Break evenÂ
Great film, big loss to the acting community and I was struggling to come up with a title for this topic l, love the film so used part of the title.
I was listening to Adams podcast on the modern meeting and he mentioned something which got me thinking. I've heard the wording for 44 years and a few times in recovery but not given it much consideration.Â
How many times did I say to myself, just get me back to break even. The relief on the times it happened was immense but what is break even. In action I thought it was just to break even on the money for that day.....there's another point, it was always about that day, not what I lost on previous days so maybe one day at a time represented my gambling as well lol.
When I came into recovery it wasn't until I went to my second GA meeting 33 years after the first one (some might say it takes me time for things to sink into my brain 😂) that I started to realise it's not the money when I answered the 20 questions.
Now my addiction told me that it was only ever about the money. It also convinced me it was entertainment so breaking even mean free entertainment ????
So as I look back in recovery what does break even really mean in gambling ? Ok so on those occasions I didn't lose any money but what about the wasted 8 hours upwards per day ? What about the mental torture losing money I couldn't afford just to get back to where I started the day ? What about the lies I told as to my whereabouts, what I was doing on the phone or to get the fuel to play (now that's another oxymoron...play sounds like fun). Did I break even on harm to my mental health ? Did I break even on harm to others ?Â
So I never broke even, ever but just let my addiction make me believe otherwise.Â
Maybe they should make an infomercial for schools....this man spent 15 years actually gambling over 44 years. Show the harm. Show my financials. Show a picture of the damage to my brain. Maybe none of the kids would gamble then ?Â
No regrets though, I intend to work to be a better person each day. Day 185 of total honesty.Â
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