Ready to start this path again

Milestone 1 achieved - 24 hours gf!!

I feel good reaching this mini milestone - so many more to go but I am officially one day clear! This feels like a good moment - I can make these changes. I can be abstinent from my addiction and I can make changes in my life. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to make changes for the good. I want a better life and this time I am going to make the right changes and I won't gamble again.

Hi samorgo,

Thank you first of all for your comment on my page, and I’m sorry to hear that you slipped up. But remember, every single minute, hour, day that passes without gambling is a step in the right direction.

Try to reward yourself with either little purchases, or clearing a bit more debt every day you don’t gamble. Install blockers on your phone like gamban, or K9 on your PC. Relinquish control of your cards to a trusted family member and live on a drip feed cash supply.

Before you know it, you’ll be able to clear your debts, and have a nice pot of money aside for treats and for spending on things you really want.

Wishing you luck on your journey, this addiction will not beat you!!

Thanks for your mesage CG - the support is definitely appreciated.

Another day gf here - 2 whole days - yipee. Aonther step along the road to recovery. I need to learn to make my days more productive but as long as I remain gamble free I am moving forward.

I am concerned that I have been here (many times) before and that I can easily return to the hope of clearing the debt with one big win once the pain of loss subsides. This time does feel differently however - I think I have finallly recognised that I don't have any control and will never have control. I cannot gamble because I cannot afford to lose, nor can I afford to win, as we all know it'll lead to further disaster and destruction. I have won £50,000 in the past and gambled the lot thinking I could win more - if that isn't a sign of lack of control what is?! This relapse was no where near that figure but means that money will be tight for this month. It makes me feel sick that I have done it again but I feel that I have finally learned my lesson and that I am ready to change. Every time I have relapsed it was in order to try and make things better - to clear the debt that gambling has caused - but each time it has made it worse. I don't want this to be my life. Working so hard to clear the debt, living fruglly to the point where my husband is fed up of me but then wasting £££ "trying" to make things better. I am fed up of the secrecy, fed up of the lies and fed up of the miserable life that I have at the moment. I am powerless over this addiction and I am ready to accept this as fact. I have only one choice - never to gamble again and to avoid it one day at a time.

I am not giving up this time. I refuse to give up giving up. I can do this. 2 days clear and counting...

In one hour and 22 mins I will be 3 whole days clear and I am feeling good. I have spent a lovely day with my husband today and reminded myself that we can have a much better life without gambling - it only leads to loneliness and misery. I am still preoccupied by the thoughts of debt and guilt but hoping with each day I will feel stronger and looking towards the future I know that month by month things will get better. I have realised today that in the past I was always so impatient to pay back the debt (in order to lose the guilt) but now I know I will always carry the burden of guilt (altough I'm trying to see it as bad choices made by a good person) and I can relax and take my time with the debt. Debt isn't nice but if I continue to chip away at it it will clear and by not gambling I have 100% better chance of clearing it (even if it does take me several years) rather than adding to it. Recognising that I don't have to rush has made me feel better - as long as I keep up the repayments and don't create any more in the hope of clearing it it will decrease and my happiness will increase.

I'm back to work tomorrow but I am determined that I will make the most of my evening (something I haven't done in a long time). When I report in tomorrow evening I will be recording what I have achieved because I can do this - I can make changes - I can be happy.

1 hour 14 mins to 36 hours!!

Morning diary - not feeling so positive today. With bills having gone out of my account after the bank holiday weekend reality has set in. This month is going to be harsh but I can make it and this time I am not going to make it worse by trying to win repayments! Only just over 3 weeks until the next pay day - I'm not kidding myself that everything will be rosey then but it'll be a massive step forward.

Although I feel down today I know I will not gamble. It's day 4 and there are so many more to go but I know that I've got this and for today I will not gamble (I also know that i will never gamble again). If I am ever tempted all I need to do is remeber how rubbish I feel at the moment - I never want to feel this way again.

Onwards and upwards - in the words of that idiot MP antagonising Russia - "Gambling should shut up and go away".

Good luck samorgo you are doing brilliantly in what is very early days yet. Take care

Thanks Samba this journey is definitely made easier by being able to share it with others who understand.

Feeling a bit better this evening - definitely not gambling today 🙂 10 mins to 4 full days gamble free...

I managed to escape from work only 1 hour later than I should today. This is a huge milestone for me. In the past I have worked way above and beyond my contracted hours (often working more than a week extra a month) partially to earn extra cash to pay back my debts (or, in reality, giving me more money to gamble) or as a form of punishment. I have also realised that I did it as I had nothing in my life other than work (getting money in) and gambling (blowing the hard earned cash). I now want to find hobbies and create interests that make me a more rounded and whole person. Maybe I worried about being at home on my own in case I were to gamble more but I now know that I am strong enough to resist (and I have the blocks in place) so I don't want to be enslaved to my job anymore. I want to be "normal": have a "normal" job, a "normal" regular income, "normal" interests and hobbies, be able to hold "normal" conversations. I hate gambling and I don't want it in my life anymore. I wish I had never experienced it in the first place but what has passed is past. I can't change it and I'm at peace with that now. I just need to maintain this strength to build a better future.

I have read of some of the diaries on here and it has picked me up. I will overcome this blip and things will get better. 4 days without wasting money, time and emotions. Onwards and upwards to day 5.

I've had another rough night's sleep 🙁 I slept OK for the first couple of nights but the past 2 have been horrendous - tossing and turning and feeling anxious. I'm guessing it's related to the money issues but I know these will pass as things improve which they definitely will while ever I don't gamble. If I'm honest the urge to gamble is there but I know I cannot give in unless I want to ruin my life altogether which I do not. I can do this - ODAAT.

Day 5 done and dusted and no gambling here. Getting to work killed the urge I was having this morning. Overtime this month should make things a lot easier next month and from then on things should start getting better as I will not be gambling and might even get to start saving! I haven't had savings since I was a child so building up an emergency fund is the first thing I want to do. This is a real goal of mine so each day gf is a step towards achieving it. 2 more days and it'll be a week...

Day 6 and feeling stronger today. Tomorrow will be one week - a real milestone. I must be honest though I am excited and worried in equal amounts. One week is an achievement and one I should be proud of but I have so often gone awry at this point thinking that I can have one last bet ("this time I will have control etc"). At least this time I know the truth - I can never gamble again. I have no control and I will destroy my life all together if I give in. Just for today however I will not gamble so that I can take a step further along the path to inner peace and a better life.

Another day over and no gambling. Can't say I haven't thought about gambling and I am acutely aware of the adverts that are on TV and the radio. The gambling devil is whispering to me "go on, one go isn't really going to harm... sign up with a new site and get the welcome bonus... you'll be quids in as you know now that you once you get to the point where you can withdraw you'll be up on your deposit and so just take their cash... go on it'll ease the burden this month...it's free easy money" - well bog off gambling devil I don't want to know. You have ruined my life for over 10 years and enough is enough. You may try to lure me in with the thought of "easy money" but my life is anything but easy when you are around. I'm sure you will turn up from time to time trying to persuade me that I'm clever (at least 'cleverer' than those who keep losing), strong, lucky and able to be in control - you might be right but if I am those things I will use those chracteristics to live a better life not to waste more and more money and building more and more debt online. I'll admit that I am smart and strong - I am smart enough to recognise that I don't want or need you in my life (in fact the smartest thing I have done recently is to rid you from my life) and I am strong - I can, and will, overcome this. I am human and I have my flaws but I know that I am not a bad person. I may have made bad choices but they were mostly for the right reasons. I started gambling trying to improve my, and my husband's, life but was soon in your grip and you weren't willing to let me go. I have paid the price for allowing you to dominate me but I have woken up and I am no longer willing to be your victim. 6 days ago I was in your grip once again but that will be the last time you will ever control me. I see clearly now that I have an addiction, I now understand that I will always have this addiction but that doesn't mean that I have to act on it. Many people on this site have shown me that a great life can be lived despite the addiction as long as I remain strong and abstain. I will never gamble again because I want a better life and I want to be happy. I can achieve the life I want without you and know that I never will if I let you back in so farewell and good riddance.

One week down so many more to go!! Feeling good and strong today...

Well done on one week gf, glad your feeling strong, we need to be strong to beat this!

Thanks TFHS.

I have been in this position so many times before and ultimately thought that I could gamble in a controlled manner. Maybe I felt that these companies owed me something and that it would give me some of my money back. I certainly haven't been playing for enjoyment anymore.

This time definitely feels different. Maybe I have finally accepted that I am an addict. I now know that I can never gamble again because it will only make my life worse. In the past the thought of never gambling again would make me feel anxious. I would say I won't gamble today but I knew that my brain took it to mean that I may gamble tomorrow, or next week and that would settle the anxiety for the day. Now I can happily say that when I commit to not gambling today I am also commiting to never gambling again and I am at peace with that. I don't have the anxiety anymore - I feel free.

Acceptance of no more gambling feels great but that doesn't mean that gambling isn't trying to tempt me. I just need to remember how badly gambling has affected me and my life. I don't want that lifestyle anymore. Hopefully as my finances improve the pull of gambling will diminish. Certainly the only "positive" I can see in gambling at the moment is the chance to win money to clear my debt but I am clear in thought enough to know this is a false promise. Gambling offers me nothing more than that so I have no reason to even entertain the thought.

I now that I have lost so much more than money through compulsive gambling but doing it again is not going to give me any of that back so I won't waste any more time or emotion on it. I am disguisted with myself for having wasted so much of my life staring at a screen rather than really living. It's now time to move on and rebuild the life that I have lost. This makes me feel happy - happier than I ever felt gambling.