Ready to start this path again

10 full days clear of the demon. I notice I have been eating more in the past few days - I'm hoping this will settle as I get used to my new life. No thoughts of gambling and hoping it will stay that way.

Still struggling with worries about money but I know it wil settle and I am looking forward to my next pay day as it will be the first month where I won't waste my hard earned cash on gambling.

Not been here for a few days as I have been busy at work but pleased to say 12 gf so 2 more days and it'll be the 2 week marker 🙂

No urges at the mo which is great. Still worrying about paying the bills this month but I have accepted that the money has gone and I need to move forward. Payday is now less than 2 weeks away which is great news. Feeling strong and positive.

2 weeks ago today I was in a bad place again. Admittedly it wasn't the rock bottom that I have known before and I am glad that I was able to nip it in the bud before it spiralled out of control again. The rest of this month is still going to be tricky financially but I feel so much better in myself. I feel free yet in control.

Deciding, and believing, that I am never going to gamble again has given me real peace. In the past it made me anxious but this time I feel great. I know that it is the best decision I have ever made and I am ready for the change.

Despite feeling so good at the moment I know that I need to be realisitic and alert. I'm sure the gambling demon will pop up from time to time to tempt me but I know that I don't want it in my life. Ganbling has made my life hell at times and I never want to go there again.

It feels amazing to be feeling so positive. Change is possible and gambling doesn't have to be a part of my life anymore.

Hi,

Just checking in to wish you well on your journey. It’s so difficult to it succumb to temptation but the trick is to busy yourself with something else, learn a new hobby (I’m learning guitar at the moment) and install blocks wherever possible. Willpower alone does not work, so do everything in your power to stop. If you’re really serious about stopping, you will be serious about putting these measures in place. I’m now 9 weeks in since my last gamble, and finding it easier each day. We’ve got to remember that when we think about other things, we can be healthy and free of this illness.

Wishing you well mate. Keep at it!

Thanks CG - your message is reassuring that this can be done.

I haven't been on for a while as I have been on holiday. I am 3 weeks clear of gambling and feeling much better. Although having spent more than anticipated on holiday, I have had the urge to try and "win" some extra cash - I know it'll only end in disaster so I can't and I won't go back to those old ways. I knew that this month would be a struggle but with payday on the horizon hopefully things will start looking brighter financially. Although money is a constant concern I have to say I am already feeling so much better mentally having decided never to gamble again. I know I have mentioned it previously, but in the past I have always paid lip service to one day at a time knowing that one day I would return believing I would be more in control. With hindsight each relapse has demostrated that I am less in control and the damage is greater each time (to my self esteem, my relationships, my finances). Gambling really does wreck every aspect of your life but not anymore for me. I am starting afresh and it is never too late to turn things around so I am a former gambler and from 3 weeks ago my life is getting better. I look forward to being a month clear - that will be a major milestone and then it'll be onwards and upwards. It's so nice to be feeling like this and I never want to feel the darkness and despair of gambling ever again.

I'm now a full 23 days clear of gambling. Earlier today I saw an advert for an online gambling site I had played previously (I am now self excluded) and for a moment I thought how nice would it be to have a go and win some extra cash to ease the burden, then I reminded myself that I had had several "good" wins in the past - ranging from a couple of hundred pounds to £50k and each time I had given it all back to the house. I will never win if I gamble - the only way I can win is not to gamble ever again (despite how happy everyone on the advert seems!)

I had been finding it reasonably easy to give up gambling over the past few weeks but tonight I am struggling. It's probably the burden of having very little to my name and still a few days to pay day. I have the physical blocks in place so I know I won't gamble tonight but part of me wants to. This addiction is so irrational... I recognise the hell that gambling has created in my life but part of me feels it will be my saviour. I won't gamble tonight. In the past I would have stayed up all night - gambling and trying to source money to play with but I am going to go to bed and hope the urge has passed by the morning. With every day gamble free I get under my belt I will get stronger but tonight has reminded me that I need to be on my guard and be ready to fight whenever the demon appears on my shoulder.

My life is so much better than it was 3 weeks ago so why would I give that up now? Bog off gambling addiction - I am strong enough to say no and I mean it.

Feeling better today especially as I've noticed I was wrong with my count last night - I am now in day 25 of being gf!

Although it wasn't an early night I am glad I didn't stay up all night as I would have done in the past. The blocks are in place so I can't gamble but I recognise that I also need to change my actions so that I live a healthier life. I don't want to live on no sleep leading to unproductive days anymore. Tonight I will go to bed earlier.

Today I am going to look at how I want to improve my life - I am going to establish the areas that are important to me and how I can make changes to live the life that I want. I am finally appreciating that although I have made mistakes I do still deserve to live a full and happy life. I will update later once I have made my plans.

So I have been examining my life today and I have identified 5 key areas I want to improve.

1. Diet - eat healthier and lose weight. I am joining a slimming club this week. The aim is to get to target of 10 1/2 stone by my next birthday. I commit to attending group each week, sticking to the plan and keeping a food diary. I will start making weekly meal plans, a shopping list and batch cooking. I want to nurture my body by fuelling it with healthy, home cooked meals. I know attending the group is going to cost me £20 a month but I hope I can save (at least) that by sticking to a shopping list. I have had enough of the junk food that I put in my body and the shape that I have created through layers of fat. This will be a long road but one that I will walk alongside the path of abstinence of gambling.

2. Fitness - be healthy and physically fit. My long term goal is to run a marathon. I did one many years ago but since then I have gained approx 5 stone and I now can't even walk upstairs without being short of breath. I know I can do it if I put my mind to it so I will create a plan and aim to stick to it. Start small (probably with a couch to 5k plan) and build up my stamina and fitness. I also want to improve my strength so I will start doing body weight exercises at home as I don't have the money to join a gym at the moment. Fitness can be done for free so it will be a good way of using my time rather than gambling.

3. Work - find a career. My job is OK. I have been there a long time but I don't want to be there for the rest of my life. The trouble is I don't really know what I want to do. I need to explore what's available and what might appeal. I need to build the confidence to apply for other jobs and to do well in interviews. I will look at training/studying I can do (at a price I can afford) and look to making my CV stronger.

4. Home - have a beautifully clean, happy, welcoming home. I commit to doing at least 1 hour of housework everyday. During periods of gambling I have neglected my home telling myself I didn't have time - but I could spend hours on end gambling. Prior to gambling I was really houseproud and I want to get back to how I was. I want to have a beautiful home and I want to be able to invite people round. I haven't had anyone in my home for almost 10 years because I am embaressed about the mess it has turned into and it's about time I started turning it around so that I can build relationships with real people. I feel like I have no friends but how can you when all you do is work and gamble? Now that gambling has no place in my life I need to start building those friendships that I want and need.

5. Finances - clear the debt and start saving. I have finally faced reality and I currently owe £42,000. The vast majority of this is from gambling. Some of it came from living beyond our means but I have to take responsibility and admit that had I not gambled we would probably have cleared that many years ago. Every time I have looked at it in the past I have told myself that I can clear it within 5 years - had I stopped gambling altogether when I first joined this site I would be debt free now too but it's not the case. I accept the money has gone, I accept that I owe the money and I commit to pay back every penny. I have worked out that I could pay it back within 5 years but that would leave me with no spare money at all each month, it would leave us extremely tight so I have decided that I will take 10 years to pay it back. 10 years feels like forever away but I have been gambling for that long so if I can not gamble for that period of time and clear this debt that will be my definition of success. In the past I have been in a hurry to get it paid back to rid myself the guilt of what I have done but I now recognise that the pressure to clear the debt and still live a comfortable life has often encouraged me to gamble to ease the burden. This time I am not in any rush. Obviously the sooner I can clear the debt the sooner I will be able to move on to the next chapter of my life without the shadow of my mistakes hanging over me but this time I want to try something different and make real, lasting changes. Even if I only make the minimum payments for a while at least while I am not gambling I won't be making the debt worse so each month should look a little better; the debt a little less. Wherever possible I will make a payment larger than the minimum but I'm not going to leave myself short anymore. I am not going to live under constant pressure when I don't have to. I can live a comfortbale life and still clear this debt.

So these are my priorities and my goals. Each day I aim to work towards each of them - taking one step towards them and one step away from my gambling past. It feels great to be regaining control. For so long I have felt out of control but this is a huge moment in my life and I am finally looking forward to a brighter future.

Hi there,

Read your latest posts with great interest as it really sounds like you are fully switched on with what goals you want to achieve for yourself in the coming months and years. You sound exactly like me, I too want to start eating healthier, exercising more, coming to terms with debt and looking at possible careers but not knowing where to start.

It’s positive that you’ve faced up to your debts. I did the same, most of my were not caused by gambling but I could have paid my debts off much faster had I not lost £2,000 in two years. Doesn’t sound like a lot, but it is to me. I’ve lost a lot more than that over my life.

What I would suggest is that every time you feel tempted, every time you want to have a splurge, every time you have spare money floating about - put it towards your debt. No excuses. I have been doing exactly that and cleared in excess of £1,500 over the last couple of months.

It’s an amazing feeling watching your debt fall and you can dream of what might be. I have been working very hard lately, as I’m sure you have been too, and you do not want to literally throw your money away.

Wishing you every success, sounds like you have your head screwed on, don’t give up the fight mate. All the best.

Hi Samorgo, congratulations on 25 days gamble free.

I’ve just been reading your diary and just want to say how well you’re doing.

I’m (re)starting my journey again tonight and hope to be where you are in 25 days time. By which time you’ll hopefully be on 50 🙂

Well done again!

Dan

Thank you both for your lovely messages. It's great to know that there are others who are going through the same thing, who undertand what this addiction is like and who offer support so willingly. I wish you both well with your journeys - towards a gambling free and debt free future.

I haven't been on here for a few days but been spending the time sorting out parts of my life! I have had my first payday where I haven't wasted any money gambling. I did overtime last month so I have put the extra cash straight towards one of my debts and it feels great. I did have a moment the other day where I thought a few hundred pounds is just a drop in the ocean so it could be worth trying to gamble it to make more but then I reminded myself that the odds of winning £40k are so slim and the risk of losing hundreds more so high that I would be insane to even bother. It was nice that the thought passed without taking any action.

I joined a slimming club today and although I weigh the heaviest I have ever been I am certain that I will reach my target. Just like I am beating this addiction - every day I will make the necessary changes, and take the steps required, to reach my goals.

I am over 4 weeks gamble free now and so close to the one month mark. These landmark dates are so exciting. I feel so positive at the moment - long may it continue!

One month clear! There have been urges and difficult moments but at those times I have to remind myself that life is infinitely better when I don't gamble.

Not having such a good day today but I know I will not gamble so I know the day is better than it would be if I were to spend it in front of the computer hoping for that significant win and then feeling utterly awful losing the lot if I was lucky enough to get it.

I can do this - one day at a time.

Hi Samorgo,
Been reading quite a few diaries on here today and yours happened to be one of them.
Just wanted to say well done for coming as far as you have. You have put the practical things in place that will make gambling more difficult if you ever get the urge and it sounds like you have a great plan going forward.

All the best
Damo

Thanks for your message Damo. I hope you are still going strong and enjoying the lovely weather.

I havent been on here in a while as I haven't had much to say. I haven't gambled for 38 days and I'm getting used to this as my normal way of life. I have had urges but the ability and oportunity to ruin my life doesn't exist anymore. Money is still an issue but I know it will get better with time.

Congratulations on 38 gamble free days, Samorgo.

It’s lovely to hear that you’re beginning to settle into a life without gambling. It makes days like today all the more sweeter when gambling isn’t there to add stress and worry.

Keep winning 🙂

Dan