reborn on the 4th July

Thanks Tomso shiny

Had a mixed day yesterday which didn't surprise me , went to see counselor and she was amazed divorce hadn't come through I had not seen her for 6 weeks and loads had happened that I wanted to tell her but in the end after half hour all was said and done , I think that just shows my level of where I am I know what I need to do she has done her work and has helped me enormously , she was their at the start of my divorce and I want her to be their when it comes through , so I av managed to book another session in 8 weeks time with the hope the divorce is over by then but then I said that last time I saw her and it didn't happen

I found myself very frustrated last night I felt as though I should be doin something with been off today , weird really has with been off work for a couple of days I should just av relaxed and enjoyed it , gave me one or two urges but not strong ones and they passed quickly , these were the first in 6 weeks since my slip , I am just putting that down to been off as that as happened many times b4

I know I can't let the pressure build in my life as I know what the results will be , the divorce is at the forefront of my mind all the time and its hard to not think bout it , there are other minor problems in my life but I can control them the divorce I can't so maybe thats why my focus is on that it all goes back to the not knowing just need to stay so patient and ride it out , it will happen it has to

castle

fella it is so great to see your resolve to not let the destruction that is gambling take advantage of your situation.

your strength is to be applauded.

And to boot you still find the time to post some wise words on many threads old and new.

my friend your situation will improve, and through your hard work i know you won't waste a minute.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Castle, I always find that whenever I have a break from work and a stressful situation that it's initially very difficult to switch off mentally. I suppose it's because you've been pumped up for do long that the body and mind continues to run on adrenalin for a little while. Ironically, just as you begin to relax its time to go back in. Another of life's little 'jokes' I guess. I'd agree with Shiny that you two are both under enormous pressure and strain at the moment, yet despite this you're both resolutely getting through it remarkably well given the circumstances, that speaks volumes about your characters.

We both have daughter's of a similar age and its fair to say that they know little about life at the moment, something I'm glad about because that's one of the naive joys about being a child. Yet when we are both dead and gone and when Jess is older, maybe even a grandmother with her big extended family I'd like to think and hope that she would 'stumble' upon this diary you have made and recorded so honestly. I've no doubt that she would be SO PROUD to have had a father like you, who under enormous pressure remained resolute and dignified, always doing the right thing.

Keep plodding on, we're all learning everyday, understanding and becoming more appreciative. Therefore stronger and better as individuals.

Keep strong

Steve

Thanks Duncan Steve

Really having to apply the one day at a time and not let my thoughts run away with me , the solicitors still on my mind all the time , still not sure what my next move is with them I will give them a few more days to reply , strange really all I really want is for them to knock the 45 court fee off and I will pay the rest I want it over , part of me wants to fight but the other knows I can't take much more of it I'm just holding it all together for each day

Really proud of myself for staying in control as another time in my life this would av flipped me and buried my head in gambling to make it go away , I just keep telling myself it won't be long now dont give in at this stage

Hi castle,

It's great to hear that you have so much determination to carry on, and you have to, because life is not easy and trows at us loads of problems different shapes and sizes, but me as well as you know, that gambling is definitely NOT the way out.

Take care and stay strong, i wish you all the best

Sandra

Castle,

Just to let you know you are not the only one who is proud of you for staying in control in such trying times. Your gang of followers are all immensely proud of you too.

Tomso.

Yo,

Too true your gang of followers are very very proud of you !

Patience is an attribute that it would appear is in short supply to a lot of CGs , but I have to say you have managed so well to cope with something which at times must seem endless . It will end , I hope with every fibre of my being that it sooner rather than later , but know what ever you will get through it , the best way you can .

Because you my dear friend have shown such amazing strength through out this . Every day I am inspired by that strength , and it most definitely helps me to find the patience I need as I long to get things sorted with the shop, and start a new chapter in my life .

You are in my thoughts , stay strong !

Shiny xxxxx

Thanks Sandra Tomso shiny

Eventually got a reply back from solicitors , apparently there's two court fees one for the consent order and one for the decreed absolut the additional work relates to checking all the info is correct or something or other , so I paid the 45 straight away as that was holding things up despite the fact that no one took the time to explain to me bout the other court fee , I replied to the email with a few home truths and went down the empathy line but said I would pay the 180 on completion , for me now just need to wait a little longer accept the money will be gone and move on from it very much like a loss in gambling no chasing my money or in a way knowing when to quit chasing a complaint I'm not goin to win

Thought of gambling av not entered my mind I think I know its that close now with my divorce I dont want to give my solicitors any added satisfaction thinking they av stressed me out more with there stalling tactics

Picked up on a post bout pride and courage on what we are doing to change our lives , I know what I'm doing is courageous and am proud but this is a long term haul for me I want that better life and thats my aim , when I feel I av achieved that I will open up more to people bout my addiction as I know thats the right thing to do with my recovery , I worry though how a gambler is perceived in general by those who dont and av no understanding of it I think that stems from my parents as I know if I told them everything and what I'm doin bout it and trying to help others on the way I know the only word they would listen to is gambling and that would relate to a bad person for them and everytime I spoke to them after that the 1st question would be av u gambled and I dont need that in my recovery I want support

With my job I deal with large amounts of money and high valued stock if I told everyone at work I'm a compulsive gamble and even explained what I'm doin bout it , my fears are what would it look like if money went missing would people whisper her a gambler it must be him maybe thats just me its my opinion we can be stereotyped on the outside world as such as yes there are people who do bad things through the result of gambling but it doesn't make them a bad person but people with no understandingmay not share that view

Ultimately I can't worry bout that its all circumstancial and I will always do what's right for my recovery , I know one day I will be honest with everyone and be proud of the fact that I changed my life around from the depth of despair

Hi Castle,

Thanks for dropping in the other day. I really appreciate your support. I think you are right. It is up to you to decide when the time is right to "come out" as they say as a recovering cg. I choose pretty carefully who I talk to. I agree, I don't need folks throwing my shortcomings in my face when I am trying my damndest to improve. Be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished so far Castle, I am! -joanxxxxxx

Yo,

Yes I agree with Joan , I like you have not told my work . I know that it would cause me a lot of problems .

And only a select few know some of the sh it I. Got myself into .

Funny my post was more about , see the positives in what we are doing , stop hating ourselves and celebrate the courage we have to do something bout it .

Obvously we all interpret things slightly differently .

When and if the times right I believe you will tell if need be , if not like me that ok, it's working in my recovery as it is yours .

Shiny xxx

Thanks Joan shiny

Sorry again shiny it was a positive post , I think at the moment I'm strugglin with positivity something I av noticed in myself , with work its a struggle we av a new strategy goin forward and I'm finding it so hard to buy into as in my view its not realistic but then I shouldn't be thinking that I should look for the positives in it , my constant battle with the solicitors has drained me and will be glad when its all done hopefully then my perceptions of life and work will change and see the positives and not the negatives

hey Castle

You know what ? ..and I hope you take this the right way ..it would never even enter my head to think that if money went missing to doubt you or Shiny and it made me feel sad that you may think people would...

I read that and also Shinys fears and it shocked me to think that people would think that of you and in my head i got all protective and thought if amyone ever said anything about Shiny and Castle i would slug them....It made me see the whole anonymity thing in a totally different way for you folks on here...

I guess in weird kind of way I have made a difference in my head between people in recovery on here as being nice and my ex as nasty...no matter what I read I don't see you folks in the same way at all and see you all as like me struggling with day to say stuff..

When I rant on my diary it's at one person specific and not everyone else on here...although some days it may come accross as that.

Just to say ..for what it's worth I'm on your side...and I know this is nearly at an end for you Castle and that you may soon have some relief and closure...

Selfishly I hope when that happens you still stay on the forum ...

R and D xx

Thanks Rachael

Think its just my personal fears I know for me if I am ever goin to live life with the acceptance of always been a compulsive gambler then I want to be proud and courageous and not fear what people think , with 4 relapses and one only 7 weeks ago it doesn't give me the confidence in myself to say yes I am a compulsive gambler but hey look what iv done bout it then for someone to ask when did place ur last bet only to reply 7 weeks ago ! For me I need that long period of no gambling more control in my life , that may well not come and well indeed not tell many more people

With work 2 people know and they both know me and know how much my job means to me and no way would I jeopardize it any way , I av two outlets in life jess and work take one away and my life would feel over , thats where I am right now but now I av an opportunity to move on with my life and create more outlets

With gamcare and this site I will always be around its my support and I need it even if life Gets so much better I will still need here I will never forget how much this site and the people on here av helped me

Hey Castle ...

Yes ..the outlets are crucial and mine as you know is work and my doggy..

Also the site as a way to discharge the contents of the old noggin as otherwise It would be a whole cesspit of resentment, and its great to know that others understand and feel similar too...

I think all of us put huge pressure on ourselves especially with where we are and where we want to be..and I'm not sure "moving on " is the right expression any more (am going to write more on this on my diary today ) ..

Some of my friends say things like "aren't you over this yet"or "are you STILL on that forum" ...in that tone...I think I use the wrong language in my own head somedays ....in fact one of my fears is if I get too over this it will come back and bite me all over again as I'm afraid to "fall asleep" again now I've woken up..

Walk on ,Walk on with hope in your heart ...and you'll never walk alone ..you'll never walk alone again.

R and D xx

Castle,

I, like you, crave that long period without gambling. We have both had it and relapsed and we know the benefits we experienced through that long period. As a compulsive person I find myself constantly wanting what is out of reach rather than just trying to live for today and patiently building the time.

I always harp on about wanting to quit smoking and have the chance to stop every day but don't. I constantly think how good it would be to be a year smoke free and a year gamble free. In truth, I have no patience and never have. Even as a baby my mum said my lack of patience was brutal. I have to learn to be patient and just deal with one day at a time something I talk about but rarely practise.

I think we will both conquer our issues and will one day soon be side by side celebrating a year long milestone. There I go again looking to far in front but I suppose everyone needs targets. For me, I need to get it into my head that if I don't gamble today and don't gamble tomorrow then I will be in the process of reaching that prolonged period of abstinence. We both read DMac's diary and I think one of the best things he teaches us is the importance of living and enjoying one day at a time. Through this practise he is now 17 months strong.

You are 7 weeks in be proud of that my friend.

Tomso.