reborn on the 4th July

Thanks Rachael Tomso

Managed to get back to the gym this week found the motivation to go and av enjoyed it , it gives me the chance to release a lot of stress and anger thats still inside me , it surprised me how much is still in there , so much anger towards the solicitors the stress of work and still av moments with bitterness towards my friend at Work , all no good for me the positive is I'm channelling that aggression into fitness and it does help after

The solicitors will go away once over the stress at work will always be there but again when the divorce has gone through I'm hoping that will help , with my friend I'm a lot better it doesn't bother me as much but there's still moments when it hurts and thats goin to be the hardest one to get over

As always can't control any of these yet so just stick to today , been either 7 or 8 weeks since my last bet and still feel strong and determined no urges to gamble a lot of that is down to ignoring papers tv etc.. It doesn't interest me I know life is better without gambling in it

Some tough shifts coming up with work tonite and all weekend then not off till Tuesday and that could change so goin to throw myself into work for a few days any other spare time will be with jess so won't get a minute for myself

Completely shattered worked till ten Friday night then was back at just after 5 sat mornin finished bout 3 , back today at half 7 working all day then now two earlies on Mon Tues so not off till wed now , all due to my team leader putting in another 3 week sick note with stress that will be now 8 weeks I shouldn't judge but pathetic springs to mind av no doubt I could go to my doctors spin the last 3 years to him and a 4 week sick note would be mine but I won't but thats just me , I av no doubt there are genuine people off with stress and a break is what they need but not her a lot of it is self inflicted and not one person at work will give her the time of day on this one , when she does come back issues will need to be dealt with and I suspect thats why she doesn't want to come back , I av plans in place now so for me she can stay off as long as she likes

I feel the bitterness and resentment as I write and that sums up how I feel at times with work , solicitors , friend all gets to me now and again just got to concentrate on me and not let other stuff affect me

Managed to spend time with jess when I finished wouldn't say it was quality time as I was nodding half the time will get to see her for a couple of hours when I finish today , I av a week off in 2 weeks and jess starts school hols so goin to try and get away for a couple of days not sure yet , I'm hoping divorce will be through by then and it will all tie in together

The one thing I do know is I'm ready for a break , no thoughts or desire to gamble no let up on my focus with that

Hey castle ..I feel the same way with bitterness some days as you know ....I also f***** up but the price we seem to be paying for that is way in excess of the original crime...

I also get angry in work when I see people getting off with stuff and taking the P***...it's my biggest resentment of all time i would say,

The good news is that you have put plans in place for yourself so if this woman doesn't come back then it makes no difference to you.

I suppose if she is signed off semi permanently at least then you know where you stand and you don't have your expectations built up week on week and then get another sick note.

We are at the mercy of others timescales and that's the frustrating thing...I have to be careful to stop wishing time away ..

Keep posting

R and D xx

Thanks Rachael

A real tough weekend to take with the weather been as good as it was , with working all of it missed out on it all and not seen much of jess neither but survived it

3 weeks till jess goes away on her cruise for a fortnight and to be honest not give it much thought on how it will affect me , I will miss her so much as she plays a massive part in my life I'm pleased I av the week off b4 she goes so I can spend some proper time with her , the days I'm not working will be long ones so I will need to plan them well

That I can't control yet today I can and gambling doesn't interest me in the slightest long may it continue

Yo,

Here here !

Try not to think too much about her holiday , concentrate on the week you have with her first .

Remember you gong through the same thing last year , it was not easy but you got through it .

Just hoping the weather holds and that you and Jess get out about and have some fun .

Hugs to you both

Shiny xxxxxxxxx

Thanks shiny

6 days in a row now with late nights then early mornings tie that in with the warm weather its taking its toll , off tomorrow touch wood with no disasters at work today

Been making an effort to get to the gym and enjoying it which is pleasing as I couldn't find the motivation to think bout it never mind go , still need to find that balance though overeating is one of the downsides to not gambling which many suffer from the complete flipside to when I gambled food was the last thing on my mind

Still one day at a time and small steps and changes in the right direction , still no urges but won't let complacency slip I know the signs and need to keep a look out for them , deal with what I can and shelf the rest till I can and that works for me just need to stay focussed on that as its easy to forget and let the stress take over

Same boat Castle and knackered too...you're putting in some long hours....

A Rest coming soon ....xx..any holiday time booked?

R and D ...on the train xx

Hi Castle,

I'm one of those that seek solace in a little extra food. Oh well, I have given myself permission to do so if it keeps me out of trouble. Good for you for getting to the gym. That is exactly what I need. Some sort of exercise even if just walking! Knowing what the stressors are and letting off that steam before it builds up and blows. That is true progress my friend. Keep going! -joanxxxx

Hi mate thanks for your recent support. Sorry I have been cr** replying back, I am going through some tough personal issues at the moment.

Pleased you are finding the motivation to go to the gym. You really have to be in the right mind-set to commit to such activities which I am not at the mo.

Keep up the good work, I am trying harder than ever not to give up my good work under pressured times.

Work sounds crazy. Hope you got your day off today - enjoy it, relax and do nothing. Great that you have the motivation for the gym. My works a little crazy at the mo to and that's meant fitness has taken a back seat. Well played for keeping it up. I'll try to follow your lead.

Hi Castle,

Hope you have a nice and well deserved day off today. Too much work and tiredness can easy put us in a corner, so i hope you get a good rest, fresher mind and stay strong as you are:)

A little gym session always comes in hand as well.

Take care

Sandra x

Thanks everyone

Finally the divorce has come through as my new title states the 4th of July , this now gives me a massive opportunity to rebuild my life a door as closed and a new one opened , not quite sank in yet think that will come when the decree absolut is in my hands and the final invoice is paid

4th July is independence day and that strikes a chord has the last 2 years that was taken away from me and was in a big hole one that I am climbing out of

Booked a holiday for me and jess only a week in Blackpool but got a really good deal on one of the big hotels I wanted somewhere with entertainment at night its not abroad which I wanted but its an holiday and something to look forward to , I know it could be so much worse

The only way I av got through all this is by wanting that better life and not want gambling to play apart of it anymore

My true motivation is jess my beautiful daughter so today I thank u for all ur support when at 9 u shouldn't av to av gone through so much , one day I hope u will read all my diary and know I couldn't av done it without u

Hi castle

I love Blackpool, if you get weather like we are having this week you'll have a whale of a time. My little boy loves the lights not sure if they have him on in the summer.

Lovely to see the positive post :). My little boy has also got me through so much even if he doesn't know any different. Just hearing that loud booming voice in the morning makes me smile.

Hope you well,

Take care

Nic xx

Right I'm thoroughly P***** off. I gotta get a new laptop. Just wrote out a message to you and bang the laptop dies on me just as I click send. Anyway the message went a little something like this lol.

I did have to laugh at the mega messages you left me. Definitely something wrong with gamcare I couldn't get on to the site earlier.

Thanks for the support in joining the thread it is appreciated and I hope it can give you a that little extra focus as and when you need it.

Great news on the divorce coming through. As you ofcourse know I've been following your diary for a while now and the divorce does seem to have taken some time to finish up and it must be great to put it behind you and move on. Not to mention the solicitor fees and all the hassle they've given you. Great news about the holiday aswell. It doesn't matter where you go it's all about getting away for a bit and having a break from "normal" life. And ofcourse getting some quality time just you and jess.

Great stuff mate. Have a good weekend although probably full of work no doubt. Take care.

Huge congratulations on making it through that lousy chapter in your life. A new one begins. Enjoy Blackpool, Jess will love it.