Rock bottom

I hear you mate. So difficult to stop 

I was living extremely comfortably, now I have loans because of gambling.

It's always in the back of your mind every day.

All the best 

Dear IWillGetThere,

I am sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time with your gambling urges at the moment.

It is good that you felt able to at least reach out and express your thoughts with others who are supportive. If you are worried about someone overhearing a phone conversation you can always contact us via live chat or WhatsApp (you will get through to the same Advisors) Chat to us now - GamCare

Wishing you an easier day,

Louise

Forum Admin

Hi there,

I resonate with where you're at and how you're feeling. Its a completely irrational but irresistible urge. Are you using non GamStop casinos? 

I was here two years ago, and didnt do the right things. Thats two years of continuing in the spiral that I should have done more to prevent. 

Ive also been once round the cycle of clearing all my debts with stepchange and damaging my credit file. And am back with the same level of debt again. It thrives on the vulnerable urge.

This time ive decided enough is enough. I havent told anyone in my real life though, so kudos to you on telling your parents. My partner is none the wiser, and I am also worried about talking on the phone. However, I managed to quite easily slip out on a little walk yesterday to have an intro call with a councillor (referred through GamCare). And I am going to find a quiet space to engage in these calls, even if its on a walk. Do you think you could go out for a walk? 

All the best and happy to chat more if you'd like to

Hi

You can talk to the advisors on here through live chat so no one can here. You can also come on the 8pm chatrooms for advice etc

@12o8g9i0xr non gamstop, they're awful and will take all your money, well done for the first round and I'm glad you have reach out as well for support. It's honestly one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. 

There's so much about honestly and sharing your addiction but in some situations it's incredibly harmful and genuinely my life would be wrecked even more so thank what I have done now. 

I'm happy to chat too! Getting out for a lone walk can be hard. It's just picking my timings. 

Hi

I know you popped on the chatroom but we didn't get a chance to talk much. Try and keep coming back to those as there are a lot of people on here who can help. When you feel comfortable it helps to share your.own story through life. It will allow you to see clarity in your recovery journey as well as get things out. It will be relief to be honest and this is a safe place with no judgement. We can all resonate with anyone's story and offer support back. It's no different to sharing at a GA meeting which are built on that fellowship of friends who empathise, support and love each other

Your journey is your own journey. I am certain you will find your path and life will work out for you. You took a big step coming on here but most of all you admitted the problem to yourself and that's tough. Yes you have bumps in the road to recovery but you will soon be equipped with the tools to face those and not escape or look for shortcuts. You will soon be able to reconnect with your true self and not the addiction which takes us to a place where we are far removed and living in chaos. Your brain soon rewires to accept natural dopamine and not the rush. You will be able to dismiss urges. Most importantly you will love life again and be calm and contented. 

For all of us, this is one day at a time. There is no quick fix and it takes dedication. We can't forget the past but we do not need to live in it which is what the addiction wants. The future can not be realised unless we work solely on today. Each day I try and be the best I can. I wake up, meditate, I say the serenity prayer and write 10 things I am grateful for. Then I have a good day 

Stuart

Hi, how are you doing?

Non Gamstop are indeed the worst, that's also been my source of feeding the addiction for the last year. I too have been sat for hours, sometimes on a decent streak ... £700 - £800 deposited, £2,000ish in my balance. But my little friend who lives in my head tells me 'just a bit more, I can get to £3000 on this streak'. £2000 depletes to £1800, £1800 depletes to £1700, before you know it its below the amount you deposited, and you're chasing it to get above that marker again. Then you hit £0 ... another deposit, another deposit. I've accepted I cant win, I won't let myself win. 

Sorry to hear you know how to remove the software...this is problematic for the blockers. Have you considered removing your access to your credit card and funds ... someone you could trust to guard your money for you and send you bits? 

It's really hard dealing with the addiction. Especially when it's in complete silence and by yourself, your addiction is still lurking in the background of your mind whilst you're trying to help yourself. It's that classic angel and devil on the shoulders ... which one am I going to wake up with today. How much did you tell your parents?

I too have done the transfer money from credit card to bank. In the past I've got phone contracts out, and sold the phone to have enough money to live off for the rest of the month. It truely makes you do and seek out things that are really damaging in the long term. 

I agree, it's a lot to weigh up in sharing the addiction with those closest to you. And it is completely your choice, and it's not always as straightforward as telling them. I'm going to see how far I can get with the support available through the professionals and on GamCare initially, I'm not even considering telling my parents or partner at this stage. 

Well said, Fran, with all of those comments. There probably is no "right time" to open up to everyone, but one thing is for sure....it has to be the right time for you to do it. It will be a huge relief, but it needs timing. At some point we can't hide the lies anymore and need to open up

Hi Stewart,

So I told my partner, these past 10 days have been raw and painful but I haven't gambled. 

I'm not much of a talker but I am honestly so relived and so glad I told him. 

He was beyond angry but things are slowly getting better. 

Thank you. 

@12o8g9i0xr I told him, it's was awful, painful. I really thought he was going to leave me but things are getting better and I no longer feel that voice, that need. Being able to be entirely open has freed me from its *** (I know that sounds stupid) but I really does feel like this weight that was crushing me has lifted. I'm still very cautious and I'm worried the weight could dropped at any moment.

Hi Iwillgetthere 

Disregard my comment on the other post, so many people have similar names on here that I forget you have a diary.

Firstly and just from my opinion you should be really proud you told your partner. Having done that more times to different partners over the years I know how hard it is. It's relief first followed by devastation when we see the harm caused. The way I look at it, I can't move forward without telling everyone. It will hinder my recovery. I can't affect their feelings and thoughts about it, but if they are who I think they are, then they will be supportive.

I would give your partner time to process and recover. Affected others move slower in recovery than us. We can see instant results in ourselves ona. Day to day basis but it takes time for them to notice. My partner has only ever known the gambler for 21 years so she is meeting a new and improved version of Stuart which gets better each day. That doesn't condone or remove the hurt. I'm on day 124 and still bite my tongue on a regular basis to not argue. It's like living on a rollercoaster. I am desperate for her to be in my support network but she's not there yet and she can have all the time she needs. Hugs, kisses and closeness aren't there and I can only hope they return. All that said, it's not within my power. All I can do each day is work the serenity prayer and have the courage to change the things I can, myself, each day.

For me, recovery will be a lifetime of work, every day, a bit of recovery medicine. That keeps me present, honest, kind, loving, humble and gamble free with no complacency 

Just keep talking to your partner. If not already he will soon ask you how you are and no doubt do some research to understand 

@lp5vut869c I'm so glad he now knows. I do feel like I have to bite my tongue, be happy. I don't feel like I have a right to be upset about anything. He hasn't made me feel that way and it's more I am putting that on myself. 

I'm waiting to hear for a DRO which would be a massive relief in terms of finances. They said they would phone yesterday but didn't and he's really stressed about it. I feel so awful because it is my fault we are waiting to hear back. 

Thank you Stuart and you are going amazingly well! Your so supportive I see you name everywhere! 

Hiya

Just passionate and don't want anyone to end up as far down the cliff as me. It's an awful addiction and takes everything from you. The only addiction that convinced you that the way out of it, is to do more of it