A Sense of Direction

Oooo I figured out how to say what I am feeling right now! 

I climbed my Mount Everest. I did it all by myself. I did that. 

BUT this is what it feels like now.....

Gamcare went before me, setting up the ladders and the attaching the ropes and leaving oxygen bottles. 

I hope that makes sense. 

Drama 

xoxoxoxo

Evening sweetheart x

I love your description of your journey, especially as you can say that you climbed Mount Everest and you know that you did that. I love that it is past tense too. You are still on your journey but you have definitely reached the summit. As for GamCare’s help, I feel that too but wouldn’t be able to have expressed it like you. It’s just a perfect way to describe the support that’s there for us. 

I just want to thank you for playing the Chase with me last night, it was such good fun ?. I liked that I picked out the bad outfits. I must be learning something!  It really helped me relax after a long day. I slept like a baby ?

I also want to say thank you for being here for me. We are like two peas. It’s really quite funny at times!

Nite n bless ??

In summary, you are awesome and I am so proud of you ??

Oh, and just to hog your journal, my new footwear has been despatched ?

One final thing before I hit the hay. My sweetheart rose is on its way ? 

A joyful heart is good medicine x

Hey, day-twin!

Congrats on 102 days! it's a nice milestone to reach, I think.

Thank-you Freda. I'm so very pleased to hear we are day-twins still. 102 is a very cool number. 

My Day. 

I got paid today. I get paid fortnightly from my cleaning job and monthly from my day job. This is my cleaning wage. It's the first time I got paid into my Monzo account. I logged onto Hubby's and wrote everything down that I needed to move over. This is the first time in a couple of years that I've looked at the bills and I was shocked at some of the things I found. I mean, I knew he was a child but his spending is unbelieveable for someone out of work. He's been shopping like it's going outta fashion and spending money online gaming that I need one of my cleaning wages to cover. No wonder we are always skint! 

I cancelled nearly all the DD's from his account and I have phoned the Mortgage company to set that one up from my account. 

Then I had a massive anxiety attack. I had sweat pouring off me and I was shaking like a leaf. It's mad. I decided to talk to the Helpline people on the phone. I didn't wanna gamble at all. Like it wasn't that. It's just having money and all these financial problems. Some of mine and some not. Just got me going. 

I decided I have done enough for today. Sorted THE absolute most important bill. I'll do maybe one a day for the next fortnight and get them all caught up and not try to run before I can walk. 

I had my CBT and one of the things they talked about was wearing a wristband as a reminder of gambling. So you can see it. I don't want one of theirs but I have put on my favourite charity wristband which reminds me of my real values and beliefs and it's helping to think when I see it, THAT is the person I really am. I help charities and volunteer and give generously. I don't throw money away on nowt. 

Anyways, that'll do. 

Big weight lifted. 

I'm okay. 

Drama xxx

Hello,

I've followed your diary with interest over the last few months (when I stumbled across it) and would just like to state that I think that you that you are doing brilliantly and that myself and others draw inspiration from it (and others diaries too). We all have our ups and downs and we have to manage them accordingly. Wishing you all the best.

Simon

Drama,

this says everything to me about how far you have come in your recovery. Today was a big moment and it is maybe not a surprise that it generated some anxiety. 

I feel really privileged to know you and I know that you know I love your values, integrity and strength. Too many “know’s” in that sentence but I don’t care ?

You are amazing sweetheart xx

Murlo knows, I knows and everybody knows that Drama knows what needs knowing because she is a very knowing and knowledgeable lady who gnaws at things knowing she will get there in the end.

Hiya Murlo check out the FULL MOON later. It is beautiful.

Yihaaa - gotta dash - places to go - people not to see!

Stephen x x x 

Hello lovely drama xxx

You take care 

Love boo 

???

Hey,

You're doing very well! Keep the clear head, peaceful heart and soul intact.We all will get through this difficult time.For now we need to aknowledge every little mercy out there...eg. no gambling incidents...That is really positive.Stay safe, committed and be kind to you

S.......xx

CBT. 

I just got in from doing 4 cleaning jobs. I am knackered! I wanna journal about permissions. It was a thing that I learnt in my video CBT session today. Like, the bit I wanna remember is what I am doing during lockdown to what I do different when the world is not so weird. Like, I give myself permission to get wellied whenever I want cos I don't have to drive in the morning or because I can afford it cos I'm working so much and not gambling so I have money but it's not healthy. I need to stop doing that. Driving isn't the only reason to not get wellied. I have put my phone on airplane mode so my cleaning boss can't get in touch with me tommorow. I have 3 cleaning jobs tommoz but I need to give myself some time to think clearly that isn't super busy and he gives me anxiety cos he makes his problems feel like they are my problems when in reality they aren't. 

This was a load of nonk but it's important to me to remember the above and just calm everything down and use my brain properly again. 

Drama. x

I sorted out some Direct Debits today. Nearly all the big ones are done now. I did not get one bit of anxiety when I was doing that. It was just like doing an admin task for work. 

I sorted out my deferral from my current Uni module. Sounds like it's gonna cost me 25% of the overall module fee which isn't too bad given how rubbish my scores were. Was a bit much doing recovery and COVID and cleaning and everything. I'm sure it'll be money well spent to start from scratch in October. I did get a bit anxious sorting this but not massively. Didn't feel the need to talk to anyone. 

That is all for now. 

Drama xxx