A Sense of Direction

Day 112. 

They're racking up now! They fly by once you hit 100. Like I don't hardly think about gambling so much. 

I've had a better week cos I've made better choices. I've engaged with my new mental health nurse and she's calling me on Monday to catch up again and talk about safe-guarding. No idea what that's gonna entail. I got anxious before our call today but not during or after. Dunno why I wind myself up so much.  

I'll try not to be messy this weekend. There's nowt doing so I might do some painting or other craft stuff. I've loads of supplies that I haven't even touched in maybe 18 months so maybe this is an opportunity to reconnect with my creative side. 

Have a great weekend all! 

Drama 

xoxoxoxo

I've had a great week! I had a guy knock on my door and offer to quote to do my back yard. He said he'd give me a price. He give me his card and I said I'd text him. He quoted me £200 and I accepted the price. He came and did it yesterday with his Dad. I reckon they under-quoted but I've promised them repeat work and I reckon they are happy with that. 

I have my back yard back. Somewhere to sit out in this isolation. This is great! 

I was able to do this cos I have control of my money and I am budgeting and being sensible. 

Today I cleared all the junk outta my kitchen that was blocking the back door. I have sided 3 sacks of junk and I can now get out into my yard. I haven't been drinking so hard. I feel like I am calming down. I haven't had any triggers so that makes it easier. I am still doing good stuff though. 

I am looking forward to CBT on Tuesday and telling the counsellors and my recovery buddies about my good choices. 

I have been eating better. I even had some veggies and healthy stuff today. 

I am way happy. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

I live chatted the people who gave me a number. I called the number and got cut off. I am not meant to reach out for this type of thing. It's a sign. Every time I try, I hit a brick wall. That is all. I am done. Stick a fork in me. I am no longer feeling brave. 

120 days. 

That's 2 times what I ever used to be able to do. Glad I haven't given up on recovery. I managed to get out today and make that call. I feel better for it. Finally just talking about the thing that plays on my mind at night. Feeling a bit melancholy now. Not sure why. 

I will talk to my counselor lady about it on Tuesday. Not that the bloke isn't nice but I prefer chatting to her. 

I have done my CBT homework every single day this week. That is good. I have been taking action. Haven't written it in my activity log but I can remember. I'll get away with not writing it down cos we do the class by video so I'll just tell them. 

I have eaten every day too. That's a Murlo thing. She gets right happy when I eat so I make sure I have at least one good meal a day and nowt beige. 

Um, that'll do. 

Drama 

xoxoxoxo

Hey sweetheart xx

I am sad to say I don’t visit the diary pages so often now but I am blessed to be able to connect with you in other ways.

That said, there is something about making a proper mark in your diary that says how immensely proud I am of you. We lived your 60, 90 and 100 days together and now you are at 120 days ?. No idea where I am at, I just know I remain gamble free. That’ll do. 

All I would say is that your recovery is much more than not gambling. I am seriously proud of you. So glad our paths crossed x 

If it wasn’t for you I would still be dreaming bird tables. You will know what I mean ?

And yes. I love it when you eat ?

love you  ??

I love you too. I just wanna be a positive influence on your own recovery. If I ever thought that wasn't the case, I would let you go. I know you are having fun and enjoying the little things that life has to offer. I sense that. I remain your recovery buddy and believe that is a good thing right now. 

Sherrie. x

Congratulations Drama on your excellent progress in recovery. You are putting a great deal of time, effort and hard work into rebuilding your life. I have the utmost respect and admiration for you.

Pleased you have got your back yard cleaned out but was somewhat alarmed to read you gave the job to a stranger and his dad because I understand that most of the recycling centres and waste tips are closed due to the coronavirus. 

It is the householders responsibility to check that those removing waste have a "Waste Carriers Licence" and also to ask them where it will be disposed of. 

Many honest people have received hefty fines when they thought their waste would be disposed of legally when in actual fact it was fly-tipped and subsequently traced back to the householder.

Sorry if I have misunderstood your post but felt I should bring this to your attention.

Take care dear friend.

Wishing you a lovely Sunday.

Stephen x 

Nice work DL

Best

Stephen, I researched the firm and they seem like good lads with a well-established business. I don't doubt that they will dispose of the garden waste responsibly. As for the household waste, i got rid of that in the council bins near my cleaning jobs. So many firms are shut that the bins were way empty and I only disposed of appropriate stuff. Like I have some old electrical stuff to get rid of but I will put take that to the tip when it's open again. 

Don't worry mate. I am not as green as I am cabbage looking. 

I am still gamble free and I appreciate everyone's support and stopping by my journal. 

Drama. 

CBT Update. 

Had CBT today. We talked about our activity diaries from the last week and the things we did to reward ourselves for not gambling. Mine was good and bad. There was getting my backyard back. Clearing out rubbish from the kitchen. They asked about the reward part and I was like now I can walk through my kitchen, turn the key in the door and just get out in the fresh air and peace and quiet and enjoy the sun. That is a BIG reward. 

I also cleared the dining table of like 2 years worth of mail. Credit card bills and chaser letters and alsorts of junk. The reward there was that my and Hubby can sit down to eat our meals at the table again. I am inspired to cook cos I know it's not just tv dinners in front of the telly. I am mindful to eat because eating at the table is pleasurable to me. We have conversations that are meaningful and talk about my work or his little projects and it's nice. It's a good feeling. 

I shared that with my extra work during COVID I am looking to buy a new PS4 cos my old PS3 is on it's last legs and it might be nice to play games after work. 

I'm also thinking about putting some of my money in a Monzo Pot so that when this COVID thing is over, I can go visit my friend in America which I have been planning on doing when I got my next big win but that never really happened. 

I am happy with my activity and reward chart. 

We chatted about gambling triggers and it's funny how mine have changed. I got upset thinking about that. It's like I'm more awake to what really upsets me now compared to the meaningless triggers I used to have. They are real meaningful now. Like I know deep down what sets me off and I also know where I can nip things in the bud before they grow that big. My task for the next week is to write down when I am triggered and think of alternative solutions that don't involve gambling (or other risky behaviours). 

I haven't done ought super risky this week. I know what has been leading me down that path and I'll stay mindful about it. 

Um, that will do diary. 

N'nite and Bless. 

Drama xoxoxox

Dear DramaLlama,

Thank you for sharing how you are progressing through your CBT. It is a pleasure to read that you are making positive changes to your environment for you and your  husband. 

Take good care,

Best wishes Fiona, Forum Admin 

Hello Drama ?hope you are feeling good and enjoying the day.

Many thanks for sharing your CBT update with us. It struck a chord with me and I have been giving myself a good looking at.

I have always found your posts to be inspirational in many different ways. For instance, I still follow your advice about breaking things down into small bits so they become more manageable. That has helped me a great deal ?.

Best wishes 

Stephen x 

Day 137. 

Knackered. Worked 9am-11pm yesterday and 9am-Midnight today. Had CBT this aft. Cried twice. Got some homework but cannot remember what it is I'm meant to do. I'll email them tommoz for a reminder. 

Last weeks homework was super hard. Tried to gamble on Saturday but failed. I forgot you can't gamble using credit cards anymore. I am way grateful that the government changed them rules. 

Got 5 cleaning jobs for the next 3 nights. Super done in. I am failing in the day job cos I'm so tired. 

Moff to bed. 

D. 

986 days to go. 

Before I knew it, I am now in 3 figures until I am debt free. Given I'm in charge of my dosh now and chipping away at debts more frequently this figure is not set in stone. I can make it smaller. It's way within my power to reduce that number. 

I was just curious tonight as to how close I am. It's like when I was 4 years away from debt free and it seemed too high a mountain to climb. I just wanted to die. Now it's 2 and a half and it feels better. More manageable. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

People can give you advice. Lend you an ear but ultimately it's on you to fight these mental battles that stop you wanting to do recovery. I might make me'sen a little count down calendar now I am less than 1000 days till I am debt free. 

I am gonna get myself a VW Golf when I am debt free. I've always wanted one. A proper boy racer car in blue with cream leather seats and the best stereo in the world! 

I am gonna get a new kitchen and fancy doors and windows for my house. 

I am gonna get my law degree and have a brilliant career. 

I am not gonna gamble. 

Drama. 

You can and will achieve anything you set your mind to sweetheart, of that I am certain ?. I love you mate, thank you for everything xx