A Sense of Direction

Sleepy Day. 

I woke up late. It was nice to get some sleep and I felt good. I had a cooked breakfast. 

I put on a maxi dress. It's black and sleeveless and has like a lipstick print on it. The lipstick print is white with a red cross on it. It's like little England flags that are shaped like lips. I sent my pal a selfie but without my face in it cos my face is a wreck. I think it would only worry her to see me looking tired. 

She loved my dress. 

Related: Hubby is hugging me again. This is good. I missed human contact alot. It was getting me down. 

I have done nothing of any value today. It feels strange but I have nothing in the tank. 

I went to a cleaning job but just sat in a chair nodding off. I emptied the bins and did the re-stocking but then locked up and took the dog to the park. It's important I do the job right so I'll go back and do the deep stuff like washing down surfaces and mopping tommoz. 

I am super duper sleepy tired. 

I'm going to bed for 9pm. 

Those of you that know me will know that I never do that. Midnight is my early night. 

Anyways, hopefully I will have some fuel in the tank tommoz and do some good stuff. 

N'nite Godbless. 

Drama xx

So....if you go bed early, you just wake up super early. Who knew? 

I went to bed last night super early. I woke up in the wee hours. Had summat to eat and then tried to get back off to sleep but my legs felt funny. Like, from my knees to my toes it felt like my legs were made of tree trunks. They were super heavy and it was real uncomfortable. I couldn't just get comfy. Tossing and turning in bed felt like a chore cos they were so heavy. I put on some video's but that couldn't take my mind off the feeling cos it was so uncomfortable. 

Anyway, after a couple of hours I got back to sleep and slept right through till about 10 a.m this morning. 

I felt great today. I felt like I had my full faculties. I had a spring in my step. It's a nice feeling. 

I did two cleaning jobs this afternoon. I did them really well. I am glad I parked it yesterday cos I wasn't fit for working. 

I did a couple of hours of my day job work tonight. Just to catch up. I go two file reviews done. 

I listened to Boris Johnson talking about vulnerable folk staying indoors for 12 weeks. I'm so conflicted by this. I don't reckon my boss will hold my job open. When this pandemic is done, what do I do after? It's not like the debt collectors aren't gonna come calling. I don't know what to do. 

I want to keep my Hubby safe. He is vulnerable with his COPD. I feel like I should follow the advice both for him and me. 

But the other thing is I don't wanna be stuck indoors for 3 months with a bloke that doesn't have that stuff he needs to just be normal. Think about it. I do. He can't function without it and the Government won't supply that. 

I am stuck between a rock and a very hard place. 

I am not scared of dying. 

That is all. 

D. 

Sweetheart,

I just want you to know that I am here for you. These are not normal times. You have been an immense help for me. We will get through this together. I will always be here for you xx

Hello drama xx stay safe. Its easy to go into panic mode at these times.. 

Breath 

Relax 

Take some me time 

Boo... Many many kisses??

Boo, you and Murlo are so alike it's spooky. She says that when I get carried away. "Breathe". 

Um, anyways, I've done some things. 

I can't get through to StepChange as they are busy with a reduced staff. I emailed them but now I'm wondering if that wasn't a sign from God that I should just persevere. I dunno. 

I have spoke with Auntie A by SMS. She says she loves me and I'm the closest thing her and Uncle J have to a daughter and they love me very much and totally unconditional like. I'm paraphrasing. She talks much nicer than me. 

Murlo loves me. She said so. 

A lady from Gamcare rang me. Sadly, she did not declare her undying love for me but she was very nice and I told her I would eat summat. I am gonna eat a cheese and pickle sandwich and saucy BBQ transformer crisps. 

I am wearing my favourite football shirt cos I wanna look half decent for the web meeting with my aunt and uncle and the mental health guy. Not looking forward to that at all. I'm gonna cringe so hard I might actually turn inside out! 

The mental health Nurse (P) just called. d**n I'm popular today. He was chatting about some things and had that tone that people do. You know like your a teeny tiny kitten and they don't want to make you jump or scratch them. One or the other. 

Um, that will do. Moff back to work. Got a dial in at 2 and I said I'd do a quiz so I'll have to google summat. 

Laters. 

Drama x

A Busy Day. 

Now, if I call it a busy day. I hope you DO believe me when I say it WAS a busy day. 

As I left off, it was my turn to do the quiz in the dial-in. Me and my team are having three dial-in's a week at the minute. We used to have one just once a week but when we talked last Wednesday I mentioned that I was struggling with my mental health being cooped up and not talking to anyone so I appreciated the dial-in as a chance to do that. Someone said we should do it more often then so now we are doing it every other day and taking it in turns to do a quiz. 

I googled and came up with a True or False round and a Movie/TV round. I told them that whoever won would get a prize. I got a tenner Amazon voucher off of my old boss for doing good work and I will use that to pay for the prize. I felt really strange when my friend won the quiz and was super excited to get a prize. It's basically felt like I felt like I knew how she felt cos I like winning innit? Not sure I'll do the prize thing again but I am happy for her. I haven't ordered her prize yet cos I had to go to my CBT thing. 

I went to my Auntie's house after that. They had the laptop all set up in front of one of their sofa's. I felt uncomfortable. 

The video went ahead at 3.30. It was an hour long. The chap talked about the different sessions and what each would entail and he was dropping bombs. Like things that I told him in our first meeting that I had NEVER told my Auntie or Uncle and it was deeply uncomfortable. I cried at one point cos I was so so embarrassed. 

I get why it's important to do this thing to make sure I have support. Honest I do. Keeping stuff a secret hasn't helped so why not try it? However, gosh it's embarrassing. 

I did laugh my head off when he went on about session 6 it was like he was talking about the things we tell ourselves. Like looking for signs to gamble. I was laughing and smiling to myself and cos it was on video he saw that. So I just explained that I had signs. Things that I watched out for to know it was a "good" night to gamble. My gambles were fair planned and I looked forward to them. I had a mental thing where if I went under a bridge at the same time a train went over then it was a sure sign that I was gonna win. Anyway, yeah, so it's good to know I'm not the only one that did that. 

When the time was up, I scarpered outside for a cig and left Auntie A and Uncle J to finish up with him. I also thought it might be good for them to finish up without me there incase they wanted to ask ought without me in the room. 

When I came back they tag-teamed me for a good hour. They were offering advice and telling me off kind of. Uncle J wanted to set up a joint account for me with Auntie A so that they could watch my spending. I was like that's a HARD no. I said that if she's linked with me financially that will affect her credit score. If I mess up and do summat daft that deffo will affect her credit score so I will not do that. 

I said that I would be willing to set up a new account and let them have access so they can log on whenever they want and see what I am spending but it must be in my name. Uncle J was happy with that. 

They both want me to leave Hubby. They said all of this stuff is just a symptom of my situation and if I moved on from this relationship then I wouldn't have these troubles. I listened. I understood. I told them that. However, I said I don't want to talk about it anymore. 

Someone went sick from my first job. It's a 4 hour job and my boss said he'd come help but he's flakey so I just left Auntie A's and went straight to it. I did 3 hours. Boss did 1. 

I did my other 3. 

Then I phoned the Helpline and spoke to a guy that I chatted last night when i wasn't doing so well. He was way proud of stuff I have done today. It was nice to hear it from his perspective. I didn't think I'd had a great day but the way he framed it was like I have done really well making choices under stress and managing all of the above that I talked about. 

I am fair tired. Going up to bed soon. 

Drama xxx

Hello dear drama. 

Sounds like you have support there with an army of advice.. 

Stay strong and positive 

Look after you. Your health and sanity. As  for hubby. You didn't take those vows lightly.. I hope this situation gets easier for you. 

Love to you ???boo

More Sleepy Tired Than I Knew Was Possible. 

I did my day job. 

I did 4 night jobs. 

I tried to get Hubby to sort out Business Travel cover for me for the car but he didn't. Fact is I have SDP & Commuting. Hubby thinks this covers me for travelling to work. I'm like it covers me for one fixed place of work. I am currently going to 5 and the chances of being stopped by the old bill during this pandemic has increased dramatically. I need Business Travel cover which means you are covered for more than just one fixed place of work, basically any commute. Hubby tried to argue with me. I said I cannot believe you think you know more than me on this subject. You are taking the whatsit. I will sort it myself. 

Add that to the list. 

I have been to the shops to get stuff. I kept 2 metres between me and the person in front and two people filled the gap. I got them told. The guy 2 metres behind me got them told too. The guy at the tills made me step back behind a line and he took a step back when i went to pay. Everyone is appreciating that stuff is very real. This is good as far as I'm concerned. 

I have a dial in with my mentor tommoz. I have nowt good to tell him. I am kinda hoping he cancels. We shall see. 

I did some research on bank accounts today to do the thing that I promised Uncle J. 

I worked with my boss tonight and he told me he's not paying anyone who's gone off beyond normal SSP. He thinks he's exempt. I know what he's doing. He's fishing cos he uses me for free legal advice. I told him he is misinterpreting the Government advice. He thinks he's exempt because of the type of business he has. However, I'm not getting involved. He's already got me doing far too much and at great personal risk so I don't feel like I owe him any favours. I simply said I believe you are set for some battles. 

I only just got in from work and I am knacked. Soon off to bed. 

Oh and I got Boo's email so I'm gonna write her summat nice at the weekend. 

That is all. 

Drama xxx

Aww busy bee drama xx 

Stay safe. We miss you in chat 

Love boo 

??

Good things and Bad things. 

I chatted a guy on the Helpline last night. Wanna say about the chat but without saying. Just so I remember. I told him a secret that I refused to tell a lassie the other night. I just wanted to get it out of my brain. I think I will be safer for having done that. I felt better. 

I slept in today. Not too late but I was late for work. I think sleep was just what I needed though. 

I had system troubles so got next to no work done today. I had a call with my mentor today. He is WFH and cos his wife called dibs on the desk, he's in a spare room with a garden chair and garden table. I found this hilarious because he's SO high up the reporting line and he's int back room with garden furniture. I suggested it wasn't DSE compliant and he really should sort that. It were funny. We chatted about my recent reporting line changes and how I felt about it. I lied a bit and said it was fine but I don't wanna come across as a moany person. I explained the problems we had with some specific work that the new managers don't understand the importance of and it's hard to be understood. He listened and understood it really well. He meets with the Chief Executive of something or other on a regular basis so is gonna bring it up. Imagine that? Summat little old DramaLlama said is gonna find it's way straight to the executive. 

I went on chat at dinner for a spell. It was nice and I'm super grateful to the person who mentioned my studies cos I had forgot about them in all this business. I emailed my tutor whilst on chat and asked for an extension on my next assignment so I now have two weekends to try and get it done instead of one. 

I had a dial in with my team at 2pm. My mate T had his daughter prepare a quiz which is just the cutest thing ever! She sounded adorable. The questions were fantastic. I did not get them all correct but I really enjoyed the interaction and the sound of children being happy. Like everyone had their kids on. It was cute. 

I had 4 jobs tonight. 

The first one I have done for 3 nights now so it's getting easier because it's up to my standards. I am cross that they are disposing of PPE in the domestic waste. Also that I've been cleaning a COVID isolation room and noone told me that is what they are using it for. Putting aside my own safety (and I don't, I'm way careful in EVERY room) but I not knowing what I was dealing with meant I put others at risk cos I used the same equipment for that room as the rest of that area. It's just not on. I reported my concerns to the manager. I will be mindful for the rest of the time I do it. 

Job no. 2 was easy peasy. It's tiny. 

Job no. 3 seems like they have realised the importance of cleanliness at last as they have sprayed everything and washed it down all day. It's obvious as soon as you walk in. It's gleaming. I am very happy. 

I got to job no. 4 and as I put the key in the door I said a prayer to God and said please can the alarm be off. Guess what.....?

The alarm was off!!!! Hahahaha. Jesus loves me. I am very happy. 

I am home. 

On the way between jobs no. 1 and my house for tea and toast before I went to job no. 2 I heard a song on the radio. It's called Blinding Lights by The Weeknd and it's got an 80's vibe to it. I love it. I cranked up the radio. I smiled and I sang and danced my b**t off in the car (whilst adhering to all applicable speed limits and paying attention to the roads). 

It's not been a bad day. 

I will be on 90 days come midnight. Isn't that cool? That's a whole 30 days past 60 and 3 times 30. Think about it!!!! 

Drama 

xoxoxoxox

Evening sweetheart x

I love that you sound so happy today even though you have had a day that would send most of us into orbit. Just the way you find little things in your day like the alarm and the awesome track to be grateful for. You have such a big heart and anyone who gets to share what you have to offer is blessed. So that’s me then ?. 

90 days at midnight. What can I say....I remember 60 days like it was yesterday. I got to share in you reaching that milestone. It was great fun and a real privilege. I am seriously proud of you. Every day you grow. I love it that 90 days has kind of crept up on you and suddenly it’s here. I just want to enjoy the moment with you ?

I love you mate and I cannot thank you enough for your friendship and support. It means the world to me x

Yes I am a soppy (insert word) tonight ?

???

Murlo, you make me so happy. 

I just wanna share the thing I just said to you on the Twitter. 

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. 

Recovery is what happens when you are busy rediscovering yourself. 

Your real self. 

Recovery is awesome. 

I am getting all of the feels. 

Love you from 

Drama 

xoxoxox

You did it mate, 90 days gamble free ?. You rock ?  I am seriously proud of you xx

Thank you for for letting me share in your special moment sweetheart,  I know this day is such an important milestone for you.

I love that you are so happy on this special day, I love that your recovery feels awesome. I love that today has pretty much crept up on you. I love that you are making the days count, not counting the days. 

In summary I guess, I love you ? ?

Sleep well sweetheart xx

Well done drama,.. 

Hope you are super pleased with yourself. 

Take care. 

Love boo 

??