A Sense of Direction

Hear Ye   Hear Ye   Hear Ye

Drama Llama Gamble Free

Ninety nights and ninety days 

This lady's been a rocking in oh so many ways

Wishing you every happiness as you continue on your great adventure

Stephen x 

Gonna try again. I already posted one journal and it didn't load. 

I am tired. 

Um, so yeah, I ate some food today. 

I had a bacon grill sandwich with tomato sauce and a ham sandwich and chomped half a punnet of small plum tomato's. It was nice. Hubby was miffed that I had more bacon grill than him but I pointed out that I risked my life going out to get supplies so I should get more. 

I also had an orange club biscuit and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. 

I saw someone with suspected virus at job no. 1. He only looked about 18 and he walked out to the ambulance. All the staff were fussing and trussed up in PPE and keeping well clear of him. I took appropriate precautions but made a point of flashing him a nice smile and head nod. Like, these aren't biblical times and we shouldn't treat someone as a leper. Poor kid. I hope he gets well soon. 

Um, I reported concerns re: the isolation room and the disposal of PPE in the domestic waste to the manager. I refused to clean the isolation room. I watched that lad exit myself and noone noted on the door that he'd been in there. I said if I cannot trust your processes then I cannot clean that room. It's a HARD no. 

She looked really shocked to hear my report of goings on in the place. I told her alsorts that I've witnessed with my own eyeballs. People, places, goings on. I don't miss ought me. I know what should be happening and what isn't. Everyone needs to follow the plan if everyone is to be safe but at the minute it feels like everyone is looking out for number one. That just won't work in the long run. Why can't folk see this is a we problem rather than a me problem? 

Anyway, I was assertive. I said it's no wonder both your cleaners have gone sick. You have some buy in for that problem because there is nothing going on here to reassure them that you care about their welfare. They are good kids. You look after them, they will do a good job. I totally appreciate why they aren't here now that I've spent the best part of a week in the environment. 

She is gonna take it up with people in the morning meeting. Good. She should. 

That is all. 

D x

Hello. Lovely you came into chat. Its busy again with various topics ping pinging about. Makes it not so easy.

Hope you are coping with all that's going on.. Please light a candle if you can for the world.. 

Take care.. 

All my love boo 

???

Bed. 

I told Callie everything. 

I don't wanna tell anybody else. 

That is all. 

Bed. 

I just opened a Monzo account. This is the beginning of me taking back control of my life. I can't wait to get the card and move my wages (from both jobs) and set up stuff like Direct Debits. I will have full control and I won't do ought daft. Uncle J is gonna have the log in details and I will have the accountability that I haven't had since Hubby has had my money. I literally don't even bother to balance the books anymore like I used to. I used to have spreadsheets and micro manage my money. Total geek level stuff. It will be good to get back into that good habit but also I imagine eye-opening in terms of how much money is spent on rubbish at the minute. 

Talking of eye-opening. I've always had a slight prescription on my left eye. Like I have to wear glasses when I do alot of screen work cos it's gets tired and winky BUT since I did them massive long days last week it's gone super sleepy and I can't get it to wake up even though I've had lot's of sleep this weekend. 

Trip to the Opticians when stuff opens up again. Work pays for that so that's good. I just have to pay for glasses. If I need new ones, I'm gonna get two pairs, one in black and one in blue. 

Um that will do. 

I'm a bit excited about the bank stuff and not being a cash cow no more. 

Drama 

xoxoxoxo

Hi Drama

Glad to hear you being more positive. Monzo accounts are great as they are so easy to set up but also have lots feature so it really helps to separate bill money from other stuff etc... I opened a Monzo account a while back and think it’s great compared to my other account I had before. 

I hope you’re having a good Sunday and glad to hearing you’ve managed to get plenty of sleep. 

Lonely x

Good to see you are getting your life back on track Drama.

You are a smart cookie with boundless energy and enthusiasm. A born leader with charisma, understanding and a fighting spirit.

It is rather ironic that our star pupil should have issues with her eye but hopefully the optician will get you sorted with appropriate glasses very soon.

I wasn't aware that all the opticians had closed down but suppose it makes sense. Wonder if the dentists are closed? That would be terrible for someone with toothache!

May I wish you every happiness as you continue on this journey of recovery. Your courage is legendary on the diaries and you are an inspiration to many of your gamcare friends.

God bless Drama

Stephen x 

Evening sweetheart x

I am so pleased you have opened an account and ready to take back the reins. I know you will LOVE doing all of the forensic accounting again ?. Oh, and the Monzo app is cool ? 

Just also want to say thank you for looking out for me mate. You don’t know how much it means xx

Love you ?

Bex, thank-you for stopping by. It's nice to hear from you and it's good to hear that you have positive experiences of Monzo. I tried to open a Halifax rewards account which I should be able to do with my income but they declined my application. I am sad. However, Murlo and yourself have both sung Monzo's virtues and i'm pleased cos I'll have contactless. I felt crippled with my basic account that I had before I gave up my money to Hubby. Cos I work in Financial Services, going out with mates and seeing them using contactless and I'd have to chip and pin, I knew they knew that I was in bother. We never talked about it though. 

Stephen, I believe that Dentists are open for emergency appointments only. Routine stuff is cancelled. It's a big risk for them being in peoples mouths at this time. Thank you for stopping by mate. It's lovely to hear from you. You stuck by me when I messed up and I won't ever forget it. 

Murlo, I love you too. You know that. We have to park our meeting. You have a lot on. I made suggestions. You chose to follow them up. That's all on you mate. You've done the same for me many times. You stay safe and keep making good choices. Also, just wanna remind you that it's okay to look back but don't stare. x

My Day. 

Hubby got up in a boo early this morning. He was cross that their were toast crumbs in the bed. Honestly, I cannot explain how angry mad this made me. He has sooooo very little to worry about and he's fussing over crumbs. I said if you don't want [insert your own expletive] crumbs in the bed then don't bring me tea and toast in bed. You have a buy in for that little problem. He drives me up the wall with his petty complaining. I am sick of being on lockdown with him. 

If the spare room was tidy, I would've set up Grandad's campbed in there and gone back to sleep but it was a mess cos when I'm choosing an outfit I just pile stuff up on the floor. 

I went and slept on the floor by the fire downstairs but it's not the same. I got no good quality sleep. I was miffed. It's my day off. My only day off and you've ruined my lie-in and I hate you! 

I determined to tidy the spare room so I can set up the campbed and I've sort of mostly achieved that goal. 

I also got the fire in my belly to sort a bank account that I've been putting off for fear of offending him. I don't care anymore. He is my dependent. It's my money. I can look after it. 

I rationed the news today. Just one hour. No more. I've been obsessing about it. 

I went to the shops for Sunday dinner supplies and some parents were in there with both their kids. The little boy had a dry cough. He came right next to me at the check out with that cough and I'm scared I might have the thing. I flashed his Mum a look of "really" and she dragged him back behind the line. They left by car and I can't see any reason why one of them couldn't stay home with the kids. I am sick of people not doing social distancing. It's getting on my wick.

I connected with Boo by email which was nice and I sent Murlo a picture of my spare room before and after and she was shook at all the clothes I have which made me LOL cos like really? You've read my journal often enough to know I have lot's and lot's. 

I didn't bag ought up for the charity shops cos they are shut but I did get ruthless and bin a lot of stuff that I'll never wear ever again. Sometimes I get emotionally attached to clothes because of the memories they invoke so I am proud to just let them go. 

Drama xxx

Evening sweetheart,

I will not be looking back any more. After all, there is so much to look forward to, especially when you can take me shopping and teach me some dress sense ?

Time for a bit of mindfulness and sleep ? 

Nite n God bless. Love you ?

Monday. 

I was awake early and quite refreshed. This is good. My lazy eye is still feeling weird but not looking so bad. 

I had a bath this morning and put some clean clobber on. A pair of skinny blue jeans, a navy blue t-shirt with a vintage print on it and my white hi-tops. I felt good. 

I took the dog out at dinner time and played ball. She loved it. Gee, this dog is REALLY gonna miss me when I go back to working in the office. She's so used to getting play time and fun stuff during the day. I love her and how much she smiles at me for doing simple little things. 

I went on chat at dinner but it was a waste of time. I was cooking meatballs and spaghetti in tomato sauce from scratch. It was lush. I ate a full bowl with 6 meatballs and I've saved the same amount for lunch tommoz. 

I took a picture and sent it to Murlo. She doesn't half like it when I eat so I knew it would make her happy, especially seeing as how I made it and it wasn't just summat out of a can. She was fair happy. 

I do eat me you know. I love my food, just when I'm stressed my appetite is the first thing to go. I can't help it. I can't eat when I'm not hungry. It's like impossible to swallow. Anyway, enough about that, I did eat today. 

I completed one file today. That is good. 

I had a dial-in with my team at 2pm. I did a quiz and I got the best score. That made me happy. I ditched the call about 2.45 cos I got a call from the MH team running my CBT. It was a guy checking I know what's doing for tommoz. I told him I have the link for the zoom meeting and I'm fairly confident with online stuff cos I do it alot for work. 

My cleaning boss asked me to call him. That made my heart sink. I was determined to be strong whatever he asked for. I did enough last week and physically, I don't think I could cope with a week like that again. He wanted me to go to a place for 6pm tommoz to meet a Doctor and shmooze him cos the contract is up for renewal. I said no. I said I have a video meeting at 4.30 that might take 2 hours. If it finishes early then sure but no, I cannot guarantee I can do that. 

When I went to the first job tonight the practice manager was right pleased to see me. She said she was worried cos she hasn't seen me for over a week but also she kinda suspected I was still doing their clean cos it was still being done to a high standard. I told her about my week last week and all the bad things I'd seen in other places and how people are going off and quitting left, right and centre and I don't blame them cos they have a right to be scared. She was pleased that I am happy with their processes and not worried about cleaning for them. It was a good chat. It's good to say this is a scary time but we're all in it together. It was also good that someone actually cared whether I was okay. I don't get that from my actual boss. 

I did my 3 jobs tonight. It was easy cos they are keeping the place so clean during the day that my load is increasingly smaller to bear. Strange that isn't it? That it takes a pandemic for people to care about cleanliness. 

I am gonna try and hit the ground running in the morning so I can do some study in the afternoon. It's a plan. 

Drama 

xoxoxo

Oh! I forgot. My Dad called when I was on the dial-in and asked me to call them. I called as soon as I could after the dial-in and speaking with the MH guy but Dad was still like, do you ever return your calls?! I was like Dad, I am AT work. I can't help that I'm not available. I tell you, they never bother with me but when they want me, they want me exactly when they want me. It's not fair. 

Anyway so he said Mum was in the bath and could I call in half an hour. I said yes. 

Mum called me back sooner than that. 

She just wanted to chat about Corona and fears and stuff. She wanted to make sure I was safe and not cleaning. Um, yeah sorry about that Mum. I told her it's my plan to take 14 days self-isolation when the stink hits the fan. I said it's not a bad plan. I don't wanna end up in Hospital if and when people are having to make difficult decisions. Truth be told, I don't wanna end up there at all. 

Mum has bought me a new dressing gown. Like white towel material but with a hood. She wanted me to pick it up. I declined. I said look Mum, you are way vulnerable. My car isn't clean, I go cleaning every night and it's a state. I wash and change my clothes every night to be safe but I just don't wanna risk giving you ought. Please hold onto that dressing gown for me and I'll pick it up when it's safer. She said she would. I dunno that she will. She has a habit of giving stuff away if you don't go get it straight away. 

I want it. Cos she got it for me. I know it was bought out of love. She wants me to have summat cuddly to wrap up in the end of the day. If she gives it away, I might even cry. 

Really really that is all. 

I love my Mum. See she can be nice. This is why I am* conflicted. Cos when she is good she is very very good. 

Drama x

Oh and I got an upset tummy as soon as my Dad called. Took a fair while to calm down. Really really that is all. 

Evening sweetheart,

I was smiling the biggest smile reading about your outfit and meatballs ?.  You DEFINITELY rocked that look today and I loved the “oh it’s only something casual that I threw on” comment. You will have to teach me ?. As for the meatballs, I am always happy when you eat because I know you don’t eat so much when you are stressed. And it looked awesome....

Not surprised you came top of the quiz tbh - you could definitely be a chaser I reckon. 

as for the surgeries, don’t underestimate the influence you will have had on them keeping them a bit cleaner  I know you have been kind of coaching them for a while.

As for your dad ringing, I am really proud of you mate. I know you will know why without me saying here. It’s just another sign of you growing in strength in your recovery and rediscovering as you so beautifully put it before.

On top of all you have going on, you have been here for me in my hours of need and I cannot explain how much that means. You are a very special person and I am blessed to have you in my life xx

Ans yes I am soppy. Soppy is good ??