Topic 3
I think this old cowboy film pretty much sums up the chaos of my addiction. It really was bad and ugly but I want to come to terms that there were times when I was present and they were good times.
I hear in lots of meetings that other compulsive gamblers struggle with the shame and guilt of their past. It reminds me of a quote, the past is history, the future a mystery, today is a gift and thats why it's called present.Â
The past is a real struggle for me and I'm sure many others so I would love to hear how you cope with it
I'm trying to come to terms with my past. I realise that if I live in the past then I'm no good to myself or others today. The past is where addiction thrives trying to suck me back in.
I can't belittle my past and forget about it but if a child runs down the stairs and slips off the last one then they child learns and doesn't do it again. For me I have to learn from my past and move forward. I have to use the past mistakes to not repeat them today. That's thoughts as well as actions. Progress not perfection as striving for perfection is not a healthy way to life today either
How does everyone else sit with their past and how do you cope with it ?
Good morning Stuart.
I have mentioned before on mine and others diaries. I try to give very little thought on my past gambling other than to set aside a moment here and there, to reflect on the devastation it caused me and how it made me feel financially, physically and emotionally. Also, this time reminds me that life is so much better now that I no longer gamble 👌💪.
As for my debt (approx 27k). I give this very little attention other than to remind myself that every month, after paying Stepchange, my debt is reducing. No matter how little, that figure continues to come down. I am happy enough with this and it is good for my mind, body and soul to continue to think about it in this way 👍.
As you mention, yesterday has gone, tomorrow is not yet here and today is a gift so just for today, let’s focus on doing our best and being at peace with ourselves for what has happened in our past 🙂🙏.
Have a lovely day 🙂.
Pink Lady 🩷🍎.
Absolutely my friend and well said. I think it's something that everyone struggles with early on. For me I only ever thought about the financial side of my addiction and that was put in a box of only affecting me. I didn't consider the time wasted and harm to myself and others. The only recompense I can offer on that is as you say, what I do todayÂ
This is a great one Stuart how many people have relapsed because of the past i am guilty and am sure many others have fallen into this trap yes it difficult and at times it will test u regardless if u think about it or not to combat this it simple u have to move forward and their no buts alot people struggle with this only a small minorty have the ability to switch the past off in terms of gambling addiction the addiction doesnt go easy so in my case i learnt to adapt like the saying goes "Water under the bridge" i believe this is what made the difference i no longer dont think about "what if"Â
Hi Taz
I agree and it's the only way forward. It's difficult to say, just forget it, but if I live in that past it's not healthy. Walking along the road to recovery is hard enough without carrying a load of baggage with me. It's good to look back and remember what I did but try to use that to power me forward to be a better person one step at a time.Â
i remember in past i would have few weeks to months bet free i would be be fine then suddently i would have a wedding or birthday pop up and this would instantly be trigger as it would lead me back to gambling i would think of all the money i have wasted in past i would rationalise the addiction by going back to it as now i have purpose i realised gambling in the lomg run would never benefit however i had this false belief to continue on this path that one relapse turned in to many relapses the other issue i had even though i wasenr in debt my mentality was i struggled to spend many time i had no issue with finances once i had time away from gamblimg the issue was because i relapsed frequently i was never able to build anything and this game to the false belief to continue onÂ
Hi Taz
I'm yet to find a flaw in gambling addiction. It's not only perfectly designed but I also think we enhance it and adapt it to ourselves. It made me believe in those brief moments of clarity that it was easier to walk back into the fog than face up to life. When I was 12 it became my safe place where it was fun and I didn't need friends. Later it was immaturity, then boredom, then escapism from stress and worries until it just became routine chaos so needed no reason. Gambling addiction won't stop until it takes everything. It starts with money, then it takes your time, then your mind, then morals, then your soul and it all leads to one of three places, prison, insanity or death. Like you, I chose to get off that road once and for all. I'm worth more than being an addict. Yes my name is StuartB and I'm a compulsive gambler but that's not all I am !
Last Monday, I made a list of everything I had done wrong in my past. I prayed and went through the list one by one, making no excuses as to why I had done those things. I just accepted, and owned it completely. I cried and said how sorry I was after each point.
It has really helped me and had given me so much more peace in my mind. I have said sorry, accepted what I have done and I am now determined to move forward and not focus on my past or thinking I am 'mad', which I did constantly.
Thanks,
Kylie.
Hi Kylie
That's a form of 12 steps work. Really well done and move onÂ
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