I’ve decided that I want to start my diary. This is give myself something on look back on during difficult days and also in the hope it can help somebody else. I’ve been reading the forums for a while but only now been brave enough to get involved.
I should start with a brief history. I think I’ve always been interesting in gambling even as a child. I used to love the arcade machines, the ones where you could win money, even though it was 2p’S and 10p’s. I used to do the lottery and scratchcards with my mum as a child.
The problem really started when I turned 18. I didn’t have many friends and although I appeared normal to many, suffered with being alone and unhappy. Unfortunately the thing that made me feel better was gambling. I would gamble online, in the bookies on the machines and in casinos. As a student the stakes started low. Even then I was constantly skint despite working more than my peers. I of course blamed this on my car and how much that cost to buy and run. I spent my whole student years in debt. Not because of living costs or anything like that but gambling activities. My love for blackjack cost me so much. Just that thrill of trying to win, sometimes managing it. Then throw some roulette, sports betting and slots into the mix just for good measure.
another factor was acceptance. I have little friends but I didn’t feel so alone when I was in a casino with other people. In reality I was gambling alone with other addicts in many cases.
I got caught in a spiral of payday loans a and credit card debt that I couldn’t get out of. Once I graduated, it just continued but bigger income, bigger debts. At the start of 2018, I hit the crunch point. I couldn’t even borrow enough money. The day I got paid I had to repay my payday loans and take them straight out again. At this time I was so alone and unhappy and just didn’t want to be here anymore.
Around that time I met the shining light in my life who is now my fiancée. Very quickly she found out about my debts. Not only did she give me emotional support but also financial support to someone she barely knew. She gave me a reason to live. She gave me a reason to break the cycle and have a better life.
Fast forward a couple of years and everything is going well. I’m completely clear of all the bad debts and just some credit cards to clear. We have a nice house (rented) 2 cars, pets and we do normal things like go on holiday and go out for meals. Not loaded but doing well.
We went through a tough spell and I relapsed. Initially it was just small stakes then they got bigger. I had a few wins along the way and as most of you will know that just fuels the fire. I would lose few hundred points, I would feel bad, tell myself that was it. I had the usual. Feelings of guilt, shame, self loathing and even suicidal thoughts. After all there’s only one person I really care about and she would be better off without me.
I don’t really know why but Sunday came and I told her everything. I just couldn’t go on. Telling her was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done and the best thing I’ve ever done. She is rightly very annoyed with me and more so upset that I’ve broken the trust we had. I’ve tried to explain it all but I just don’t think a non gambler can fully understand. She feels betrayed and like I’ve lied to her. I have. Yet I didn’t see it like that. It was just a blip, I would have a few wins and get myself out of it. Having been here before and beaten it, I feel so stupid. I just don’t understand how I let it get this far so how on earth do I explain this to someone else?
Luckily for me my partner took it well and wants to support me. I can’t describe how lucky I feel to be given another chance. Just yesterday I thought I’d lost my whole world and it was all my fault.
Yesterday I told her everything and worked out how long it will take to clear the debts. I have around £22k of debt within about £12k due to the relapse. We have a reasonable enough income and it will take 1-2 years to clear but that’s not the point. We are currently saving for our wedding in November and meant to be buying a house next year. She’s saving the money for a wedding and feeling guilty for buying small items and I’m blowing a few hundred quid on nothing. The money I’ve lost could have paid for most of our wedding or a house deposit.
So now the good news. My fiancée has agreed to support me on my journey, which I probably don’t deserve. I know it’ll be a long hard journey but I believe I can do it with her support and also from all of you.
We are going ahead with the wedding but she wants to cancel the honeymoon. I think I’m being selfish but I just can’t do it. It might make sense financially but I just don’t think I could live with myself taking that away from us. I’ve delayed is buying a house which is bad enough but I don’t think id ever forgive myself.
Today in front of my other half, I self excluded from all my online haunts and also signed up for GameStop for 5 years. I didn’t even find it difficult. I don’t want to be this degenerate gambler that puts our life on hold. I don’t want to be this person that lies.
For me, yesterday, day 0 was a massive step. I came clean, even though it was incredibly difficult. I admitted for the first time in my life I have a gambling problem and I have now accepted the money is gone.
So what now? I believe I have a long hard journey ahead. This is only the start. I’m finding it easy now, but that might not be the case in a week, a month or even 10 years time. My motivation is clear. Seeing the impact it had on my wife to be, the best thing in my life. I can’t put her though this again. I can’t go through this again. That’s my motivation. I have the stops in place. I intend to stop all gambling, even the occasional stratchcard or bingo trip. I’ve never been so determined. I came so close to losing everything I care about and I can’t let that happy. I’m 28, I’ve lost a good few years of my life to this addition but I’ve got a lot of good years ahead.
I’ll have cleared the debt at the age of 30. I’ll hopefully be married to my soulmate and I’ll have the life I’ve always wanted. Holidays, pets, days out, family, friends, even possessions can make me happy. Gambling doesn’t.
In my coming days I’ll be looking at the options available for further support. Whether that be attending meetings, online sessions, CBT course or just being active on the forum. I’ve got all the support available and I’m doing to beat this.
If any of you have got this far, I’m sure you can relate to parts of this. We can all beat this horrible addiction. Take responsibility, tell those you care about, use the support and join me on this journey. I intend to post updates every so often and one day look back at how stupid I’ve been but more important how far I’ve come.
Thanks for starting your diary and well done, this is brave and it will help you process things and get some clarity and something to look back on like you say .
Gambling is often an escape from thoughts and feelings and can also be habit forming when starting at a young age , you are never alone and there's always support and a lot of hope in recovery.
Well done for opening up to your fiance , this can't have been easy and it is great that she is prepared to support you through your recovery . Trust will grow back through your actions and each day can get better gambling free.
You can contact us anytime on 0808 8020 133 or via our website on our Netline service , and we can look at recovery options , further support and strategies for you.
In regards to the credit score/ debt side of things a good organisation to call would be Step change on 0800 138 1111 . They offer advice on debt and money issues and can you set up payment plans and budgets.
Thanks for posting and sharing this and take care.
Kirk
Forum admin
Day 7 - one week in.
So far, so good. It’s been a really tough week. Trying to come to terms with the damage that I’ve done and emotions still being understandably raw.
However, not only am I one week gamble free but I also haven’t felt the urge to gamble. This in itself has confused my a little but probably confused my other half more.
I still don’t feel great about myself and my actions. However it’s a week further on. I feel like I’ve accepted that the money has gone and trying really hard to think about the future. If I ever need motivation it will be seeing the hurt and pain caused and damage to the relationship.
I am still trying to understand why it hasn’t seemed too difficult. I’m telling myself it’s because of timing. The fact that I opened up voluntarily. Maybe that means i had already taken the first steps in admitting it was a problem and wanted it to stop?
I don’t think it will always be like this. I think there will come a time the urge comes back. I’m happy in the knowledge that I have the blocks in place to stop me doing anything compulsively. I’ve promised myself if I do get those urges I will reach out to someone. Either through the forums, chats or someone in person.
I’m still determined to see this journey through. I’m going to work for as long as it takes to rebuild my relationship and win the trust back. It’ll be a slow process but it’ll be worth it. I can’t cause any more pain to the one person who completes my life but also I can’t put myself back on the rollercoaster. The highs, mainly the lows, the regret, the guilt, the shame and the sleepless nights.
I plan to update my progress and give me something to look back on if I need that extra motivation. My life is good, I’m happy and I need to focus on that. There’s still a long journey both emotionally and financially but I’m ready for it.
For anyone reading, my message would be don’t suffer alone. It’s a horrible illness, that urge to get that momentary rush but it’s not worth it. Find someone you can open up to and use the support available.
it won’t always be easy, but easier than constantly feeling so worthless.
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