This is self harming without scars

Been reading a lot about gambling addiction. I'm starting to feel different about my issues with gambling. In the past I've just assumed that if I stop gambling everything will be okay. I've never truly accepted that there must be an issue in my head that keeps taking me back there. I've lost thousands upon thousands. Six figures I assume over 15 odd years. The need for financial help from family members in the past still didn't bring an end to my gambling. I've lost relationships, moved away from friendships, help myself back career wise and don't have a lot to show for it. I've started my own business more recently and have a good foundation to build on. My relationship with money needs to change and I will now continue to look deeper and deeper into the issues that lead me to gamble as j feel this will give me the best opportunity to defeat this and not only reclaim my life but probably truly appreciate it for the first time. To be honest with people, not hiding this hideous addiction and steadying to enjoy all the positive things in life. It's not easy writing this diary but I will continue to do so. I can be open and honest here without shame. Another gamble free day today although the thoughts still creep in.

Still fighting urges at present to try to "recover"the lost money I've lost this year but haven't acted on them. Have had a nice weekend so far with friends and family doing normal things and not destroying myself by placing bets. Even the odd win is a negative as it would distract my thoughts checking results whilst having these family times. Tomorrow will be two weeks since my last bet. A stew is currently cooking and maybe accompanied by a bottle of red. I may head out to my local and socialise instead. But I'll be doing this without placing a bet. Hope everyone's having a good weekend and making the right choices.

Hi Newday, and thanks for your earlier comments !. Your so right , it's hard being your own boss sometimes ? The problem is letting go for me , handing over duties to others ! I feel as though I'm the only one that can do my job ;properly , but recently took on 2 more staff members , so theres hope for me yet ! LoL ! .

Hope the stew and bottle of red went down well my friend ?

Wishing you a happy gamble free week ......... Alan

Hi Alan

I need to also look to get some staff to help me now but know I will also find it difficult to hand the work over for someone else to do but ultimately it's what I want to be doing. I want to be overdoing operations and not having to slog away everyday. The stew was good, the wine even better. Have a great gamble free weekend yourself

Business has also gone a little bit quieter recently, right on the back of losing £11k over three months. I've blown the 20k profit I've made in the last year by gambling. Loads of money and now stressing over the drop in profits and how it wouldn't matter as much if I hadn't blown that sum. I'm finding it so difficult to get that out of my thoughts along with all the hard work I've put in with nothing to show for it.

Hi Buddy , With regard to your last post , I found that now I'm no longer gambling , I'm much more focused on my buisiness, which to be honest I'd really neglected over the last couple of years !.

Things are def improving for me and i'm sure given time and the right input , you'll achieve your goals !!.

Best wishes for now my friend >>>>>>>>> Alan

This post has been deleted as it was inappropriate

Thanks Alan. It's definitely not had my full concentration and had I not been gambling I would've expanded much sooner. I need to expand my operations and plan to do so in the new year. It's annoying as I could've done it 1-2 years ago.

I think had we not been gambling , we'd all be in a far better position both financially and emotionally ?.

Anyway we can't change whats happened only what happens to us now !.

I'm sure you'll be fine mate , just deal with each day as it happens and thats all we can do . Things will improve and in some ways they already have , neighther of us are adding to our gambling debt's anymore !!. .

Take care Buddy , and keep strong ............ Alan

Day 17, the mind is starting to clear and the odd positive thoughts are returning. No gambling today.

Glad to hear your feeling more positive Buddy ! Keep focused on what you want to achieve !!!.

Best wishes ..........................Alan

Day 21. Urges over the weekend but not acted on. Feel good for it today.

Day 1....

Back at the start again. Have been back trying to recoup losses of last year but only added to them instead. Here we go again at beating this

Feel annoyed, fed up, angry, anxious. No more gambling for me will improve my life.

Main aims are to have:more money, better self esteem, less up and downs, less anxiety. Blocks in place, every last account self excluded and determined to beat this once and for all.

From what I'm reading on other posts it seems I'm not alone in the thinking that we seem to not be frivolous with money on anything other than gambling. Glad I self excluded when I woke in the middle of the night. I've hated myself briefly during the day as I know there's no other account I can open. But I'm happy about that now. What a d**k I've been. I don't want to be a d**k anymore. And I really hope I won't