Tranquility or Turmoil - My Choice

I love the way Boro just says it how it is!

Thanks for the openness Stephen, it’s hard to admit and accept our mistakes and to deal with the pain as it mounts up  over the years. No doubt gambling numbs the hurt and of course our brains lose their rational power. I wonder if you ever thought it was useful to speak to a therapist? I found it very helpful to talk through some of the shame I had accrued over the years. I was sceptical about it initially but it really was quite liberating. I still have a lot to change and hopefully one day I will get there.

For the next few days please just focus on abstinence, if you can, one day at a time. Keep going- after all there is no fool like an old fool!

Thankyou Changemylife, Boro and Rob. I appreciate your visiting my diary.

I have had counselling through GamCare which I found to be beneficial but can't see the point in going over things again. 

From past experience I know the danger of gambling has now passed. The next major challenge will be at the end of June and if I get through that ok than things should be fine until the end of July. It just seems to be that first week of the month when I am at my most vulnerable.

Thankyou Boro for your feedback regarding access to my daughter. I went through the courts and was granted full access rights to see my daughter but the ex wife was extremely bitter. I got social services to try and resolve things but than the ex wife changed her address. It took several months for me to realise she had moved house and social services would only say that she didn't respond to their correspondence. It than took me more months to find out where she had moved to and get social services to arrange another meeting. Nearly two years had elapsed since that first meeting and my daughter was by than 5 years old. At the second meeting my ex wife declared that my daughter was downstairs in a friends car and didn't wish to see me. One of the social workers went to the car and returned to confirm this. I pointed out that at the previous meeting nearly 2 years ago my daughter was very responsive to me, so what had made her unwilling to see me now. However, my daughter had told the social worker she didn't wish to see me and so they advised me it would be in her best interests for me to stay out of the picture. 

What do you do? When all is said and done, the welfare of the child is all that matters.

I agreed not to push the matter further and said that I would write to my daughter every month, which I did until she finished school at age 18. In the final letter to her I said I would leave it up to her if she ever wished to get in touch with me. She is now 35 and from what I have heard through the grapevine, she is happily married with 2 children.

At that final meeting, the ex wife had promised the social workers that she would keep me informed of my daughters progress, sadly she never did this. However, I was able to get school reports which showed her to be a wonderful young lady who did well at school and was well liked. I also got feedback from third parties who said she was happy and well. I always paid the maintenance on time and also put pocket money in a Halifax account which I had opened for my daughter when she was a toddler.

I feel I did the right thing for my daughter by keeping out of the way.

At the time I had issues with alcohol plus gambling. 

I did stop drinking in 1990 and have remained sober ever since.

Maybe this year I can stop gambling as well.

Hi Stephen

That is truly sad. Most professionals nowadays would certainly think that tbe best interests of the child are best served by having both parents in their lives and certainly a 5 year old cannot make an informed decision. It sounds like you gave up drinking when your daughter was still about 6 so I would have thought that you would have been quite capable of being a great parent. I know gambling can really bring a man down but irrespective of that you didn’t deserve that. It must have been extremely painful over the years and my heart goes out to you. What can I say that you don’t know? Gambling won’t help and will only hinder your search for happiness. You know that it is an irrational compulsion that just diverts you from your true kind and decent self.

Thank you Rob. I am losing track of time now, I said my daughter is 35 but she will in fact be 37 in August. 

Friends tell me I should try and contact her but I understand that she is happy so why risk jeopardizing her happiness.

My problems with drink were mainly the binges I occasionally went on. Very similar to my gambling binges in a way. I had a career in the Merchant Navy until my divorce and after that went to work for the council. 

People like me can lead a perfectly good life for 333 days a year but people don't judge us on that. They judge us on the other 33 days when we might have behaved rather foolishly.

I also had a breakdown when the marriage was breaking up and swallowed a load of tablets which I realise was a selfish and  stupid thing to do. This was after drinking and gambling and I spent a few weeks in a residential recovery unit to get myself sorted out.

Anyway, I stopped the alcohol in 1990 and stopped smoking in 2001 so I should be capable of stopping gambling.

My name is Stephen. I am a compulsive ? ? ? My last bet was 4th June 2019

My gambling days are over so will not bet no more

Walking past the betting shops I won't go through the door

Bright hopes and dreams of a better life and a place where I belong

Destiny awaits me so I must keep walking on

Brick by brick Stephen. Be kind to you

S&B xx

Fair play you did everything you could to see your daughter. There are lots of dads who have not done half what you did. Id get in touch like what do you have to lose. But maybe first get the gambling Sorted but I would really try and see her once you get your head sorted 

Thank you for posting on my diary:

Sandra ... Congratulations on 110 days gamble free. That is wonderful.

Boro .... Well done on self excluding from the betting shops. The fobt machines are lethal as we both know to our cost. We need to do everything in our power to keep away from them.

Hello Diary .... My weekly state pension went in the bank today and I haven't gambled. It covers 2 direct debits for next week and the week after that my pension will cover my monthly debt repayment. Early days but a good start to my gamble free life.

Such a crazy situation to be in!  8 years ago I took early retirement and had money coming out of my ears with redundancy payment, some savings and part of my pension in a lump sum. 

I would be having the time of my life now if I had never got involved with fobt machines.

At one point I even went taxi driving for 6 months but I was just giving most of takings to the bookies! What a loser!

Hi Stephen,

Reading your posts about your daughter truly broke my heart..I didn't and still dont have much to say. Feel your pain but also feel your good and caring nature.

We all make mistakes in life. That's how we learn I suppose. Some are truly important and extremely painful. You sound like you had the package dished out to you for sure.

I just want you to remember that it's never too late to make things right. Healing takes time but please do not give up. You say your daughter is happy and living fullfilling life.. I cannot speak for her but guess the gaping wound is still present...Dad is a massive part in our lives...and always will be. 

I would like to hear one day that the contact has been made. 37 is young age..I find 30's the most awakening time, time to accept and deal with pain. Not sure why now, ..maybe matured enough to start going through those drawers.

She loves you deeply. The bond of parents - children never tires or breaks. Truly doesn't.

Please be kind to you...and please do not give up hope.

Little by little, let yourself heal. ...as they say, if we won't try we will not know..may be sometime you can make that contact again and reunite with her. I think you would both benefit from it.

Now I blabbered for long enough. Even for me it don't make much sense. I don't think I passed the message on clearly but I hope that you read this as it was intended.

Stay safe, keep making the right choice. Today is still young....

S&B xx

Thankyou for those kind words Sandra, I replied on your diary earlier.

Hello Diary ... I am still very upset about my recent gambling and need to put it behind me and move on. However, that is easier said than done because my finances have suffered a setback and it's really annoying me because it was so unnecessary.

This is how I always feel after gambling but no doubt my spirits will rise over the coming days and weeks.

Hi Stephen,

Hope today was a good day in your world and you're embracing the healthy way of living!

Cannot say the same about myself and only now almost recovered from last night's fiasco.

Interesting you're mentioning chimps paradox here. It's fascinating that there is such model out there to aid us understand ourselves better. 

The chimp won yesterday and I went on truly childish and "tree hanging" adventure. Now, i guess we all know I have problem with alcohol. Yesterday the monkey gone wild making me "prove the point". Sounds aboslutely ridiculous today (all the headache given as icing on the cake) but in a way, that monkey showed me that i am ohhhh so wrong. Bad decision indeed...monkey had it's craziness and all came back to calm and clear again.

It's interesting how mind controls our actions. Today I thought..."we talk to ourselves more than other people and so, saying good things about us must be priority". Mind is such a powerful tool...the day brings and ends with it. Train it the right way, you can be your best friend...dont look after it enough -world starts crumbling from under our feet.

Look at that!!! Post hangover thoughts lol..to be fair im still shot to the ground but hay ho...how can we learn from our mistakes if there are no lessons in life.

Another good point made - life is the best book we were offered to read by the universe. Couldn't find more knowledge elsewhere.

On that note - Thanks for your posts and "chat" last night...and listening to my raving music lol...?✌

S&B xx

Thankyou for posting on my diary Sandra.

Always impressed by your attitude. Your bucket is nearly always half full and you try to look for the positive in everything. Your courage, compassion and humour always cheers me up.

I am pleased to say I am well and truly back on the straight and narrow. Its as if a black cloud that had been hanging over me has now gone. 

I felt real sad and stupid when I stumbled and fell down

Alone on the side of the gamcare road looking like a clown

Well that is all behind me now for I am gamble free

Calm, composed and courageous is the way I want to be

It might be wet and windy but that don't bother me

My heart is filled with sunshine for I am gamble free

I cannot change what's gone before so now I must move on

With courage, strength and fortitude I smile and sing a song

Keep it up mate