very sad times

I will be staying on here and shep its so true self inflicting this feeling is just awful.

Im still on my first day so alot is goin on in my head and body at the moment.

Mba

Mark.

Fella I came here on the 23 January 2012, did what I was told,attended GA and danced along without a single penny waged upon a gamble of any description, this went on for 18 months,what happened is on the 31/10/2013 all the variables were there for me to gamble and foolishly I listened to addiction whisper in my ear, our callums birthday was approaching and he had mentioned a watch brand he liked and I withdrew some cash and walked into a bookies,in truth it felt like I had never been away, like I had taken a toilet break for 18 plus months, I zoned in, the inevitable happened, trip from bookies to bank,raise stakes, repeat, repeat and repeat until I had decimated the funds in the account. all in less than thirty minutes.

I had a half an hour journey home, my mind wrestling with addiction, you got mugged,borrow the money,lost wallet addiction cried!!!

That day I cried, not crocodile tears I had before, I felt so alone in that moment, I was at a crossroads I arrogantly thought that I would never see again, my wife,kids,ma everyone thought I was cured,I had let myself be fooled into believing that it would be different, a little reward for my efforts.

I phoned sarah she met me off the train, I immediately confessed, I expected to be thrown out on my ear, I sat and text my mum,posted here and left the house got back on my bike and rode to a ga meeting. I needed help.

I got home to face the music and we talked about everything, about the fact that I had not respected addiction and she had tried to forget about it.

I confessed to callum that I had used him as an excuse to open the door and he just hugged me and said that we will get through this.

From that day I have I believe actually entered recovery,I have relentlessly puesued the path not just to remain gamble free but to find a way to live within my own skin,to take my shortfalls and seek to balance them against my strengths.

Honesty is top of the list and I don't mean in an "I told you so,let me tell you" fashion I mean that firstly I have been honest with myself, from there I can build.

I have been gamble free since that day,Halloween 2013.

It won't be easy to confess,it's not about unloading the burden of debt and worry onto another.

Fella she's your wife,the person you last see at night and the first thing you see in the morning.

Oldham is proof, he by his own admittance wasn't left with the opportunity.

Thankfully for him,recovery has founded a new relationship with his son and ex.

The longer you leave it the less truth you will be able to tell,I have walked in your shoes, yes it's raw,like an old wound that has been ripped open.

The bottom line is by one person YOU Mark.

I could write a book on bul#l#hit excuses, I think I span them all in my twenty plus years dedication to feeding addiction, it was never my fault,I could always manipulate the facts .

f**k me I told more fictional stories than Charles dickens! !

One lie leads to another. you are a church man I believe?

You have a faith,you understand worship. Use the power that faith gifts.

Shut the door on addiction.

The outcome?

Fella I wish I could write that it will all be a bed of roses, but I refuse to lie and cant say it will,but today you still pocess the opportunity.

I will leave you with a question one I have pondered all day.

If I arranged for that four k you owe,would it right things, would it gift that bed of roses?

Or would it just be another debt, a green light for more action.

We are equal in our flaw,to a man we live whilst active by the same mantra

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.

In the words of two much wiser fellow's than I

Albert Einstein 'to repeat the same thing over and over again and expect the outcome to alter is by definition MADNESS"

And finally Dave (r.i.P) a fella who rarely missed a meeting in 25 years who answered the often asked question

Why after all this time do you still attend?

The reply always the same

"I want to witness the fella who comes through the door seeking help because he can't stop winning! !"

Something very apt.

Recovery awaits you mark,it does every compulsive gambler,there's no cure or medicine that will make you all better, in my mind recovery is bigger than that

It's a gift.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Mark?

I have hopefully bumped up this thread so both sit together.

Is it the same fella writing upon the threads belonging to the same author.

One the little inner non gambler trying to fight addiction, the big strong brute, a true bully.

The other thread written by addiction itself, it reads like it sticks two big fingers up to the world.

I lived a lot like that ego for twenty years, slowly Notting the rope around my neck.

I hope that the inner Mark finds the resolve needed.

Regards Duncan

Hey Duncs and everyone else.

As always I had a slip.

However now i have told my family who have leant me money to pay my debt and i have told my wife.

I will be starting councilling and have bars put on my phone and laptop.

My wife is taking all my bank cards and taking control of the finances.

This time its real and is no going back, my whole family have told me that.

So i now feel like a different person. ....no money worries....nothing to hide...more than happy to get help and looking forward to a happy free from gambling life.

Mba

Still goin strong.

Mba

Just been to my first counselling session today.
Was more of an assessment and will have up to 12 more once my situation has been assessed.

Feeling strong

Mba

Hiya Emily,

Im on the right track now. Not going back to betting this time.

Lets hope this is your last time in quitting.

Im gonna be here for a very long time so hope to share our future milestones together.

Mba

Hi Emily,

Hope all is well.

I have in fact started a new diary which will be my final one as im never going back to gambling.

Please feel free to post on it.

Mba