Will she understand and forgive

The longer the debt lasts the better, a constant reminder. Remember it's not about the money, it's about the feeling. Compulsive Gambling is an emotional illness. The money is gone.

Know that gambling is an emotional not a financial problem. Wanting to use is wanting to use, the money is just an excuse.

In the real world, people earn a living, they don’t win a living.

If you focus getting help and support for the emotional aspect and not allow the finances to distract you, you’ll put yourself on a better path.

CW

That makes sense

I have only been to 2 councillors session but she makes me realise alot off things and my girlfriend said since I've stopped gambling my moods have changed for the better.

Is this really what happens??

My husband had dreadful mood swings. They didn’t immediately stop when he stopped but over time it’s much better.

How is he now? If you don't mind me asking how long did it take you to really trust him again. I don't think she will trust for ages.

To be honest I don't fully trust myself yet

400+ days, mood improved but not every day. The longer you gamble the longer to recover. Not working recovery it takes longer. Focus on self improvement. You don't get better overnight. My cg has no money, doesn't trust himself. From past mistakes I've made I would never trust him with money.

Seriously merry go round?? What if I feel like I can never trust myself with money.

You're not going to win it back. You've tried and seen how it always ends. It's better for you and your focus to experience the consequences of what you've done. Mr L's credit rating is still on the floor thanks to the defaults he accrued and the DMP he took out. I like it that way and am not looking forward to the day the defaults fall off.

re. moods - I saw glimpses of positive change relatively quickly even taking into account the disastrous position he'd left us in. He still feels guilty and stupid but that's where the value of his regular GA attendance comes in. He says he can't change what's happened. Just what happens today and going forward.

re trust - he's still uncomfortable around cash. Doesn't carry it routinely. I look after everything else which is a relief to him. He can look at the accounts any time he asks (he never does) but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again. He accepts the lack of financial trust as one of the consequences to the way he behaved.

Yes seriously. You have to ask yourself that question not me. Some cgs manage money. It's your choice. The problem is when you gamble you lose all respect for money, it becomes a means to an end. Would you give an alcoholic alcohol? When you work on your relationship with money then you may wish to manage money. My counsellor thought I was unrealistic but I have experienced what my cg did with money. Complete devastation, debt for over 10 years, no savings. Would I give him more? Why would I? You ask questions and then you don't like the answer. It's whatever works for you. You asked 'help me' because you think the only way out of debt is to win. The only way out of debt is to surrender, let you girlfriend manage the debt. Work hard, let it go, see what you can accomplish without gambling. You have to accept you cannot win and that your gambling was due to something else.

Hi Tommyb. I have followed your story so far and I have to thank you as you gave me a push to finally open up to my wife and close family members after years of keeping my addiction and recovery attempts a secret. I had been living a double life for the past 4 years almost.

Bluescreen makes some great points, one's which I am trying to follow and would promote to anyone else. Try not to focus on the length of time to be debt free. 2 years is not that long, not if you have your girlfriend's support and can have a normal life with less stress and mental battles and no longer chasing to try and win back the debt (which we both know would never happen). When I stopped gambling for 18 months, I had a plan to repay debts in 4-5 years. I was focussing too much on the financial side which ultimatley led me back to gambling as I saw it as the only way to speed up the debt repayment. Like you in the end, I was only gambling to try and get out of the mess I created which made things so much more destructive as I knew I had to gamble big to have a chance of clearing the hidden debt. After relapsing it may now take me an additional 6-8 years. That doesn't include the time I have already been paying debts for 3.5 years.

Having people now to help me manage finances actually is a relief. Look at it as a positive. It's another layer of protection in place stopping you going back to a life that we have decided is no longer for us. As someone wiser than me said it's like 'paying forward' for a better life. A kind of tax for the benefits you'll get for the freedom of living a gamble free life.

It's good to hear hear my story has helped you.... It's good to repay the favour as alot of people on here really helped me. I hope you are doing well and stay strong. It's so hard. I'm 18 days gambling free today so every time going well so far. I know it's not going to be easy but I'm just taking every day at a time.

Now when I look back telling my girlfriend was the best decision I have ever made in my life. I actually was a the point off depression... I actually got to the stage where I felt like my head was going to go. It's not healthy for the mind living with such a secret and if I add any advice with anyone with this terrible hidden secret addiction I'd tell them to own up ASAP and talk to someone before it's too late. As I said I have a lot of people on here to thank for really helping me and pushing me in the right direction to get better.

SO THANKS

Hello tommyb,

Well done to you for all of your efforts and the progress you are making.

I wonder if you'd like us to move this thread to the 'Recovery diaries' section, so that you can update it there from now on, as 'New members' is usually used for introductions, and this has become a well used thread for a few months now.

Take care,

Forum admin.