Hi everyone.
I'm 9m 15days free. Apparently I've saved over 10 grand in that time!
I wanted to update everyone as I often pop on here for thoughts and inspiration.
I started gambling 6 years ago when I'd just had a baby in the middle of COVID and my wife had brain surgery. I felt stuck, lonely and utterly overwhelmed and gambling became a way to keep awake at night feeds and soothed that sense of overwhelm. Sounds nice. Apart from 5 years later I was gambling hundreds a day on online gambling, loosing my marriage because I was so absorbed in it and stealing money that I couldn't pay back. I led a double life- happy bubbly mum of 3, senior nurse and looked like life was sorted. Inside I felt constantly itchy, agitated, irritated and anxious- desperate for that fix of a big win.
The day I told my wife and parents changed all of that. All the grubby secrets were splayed open, all the times I'd lied, all the debt we were in... I'd worked with addicts before I knew the tick box of what I needed to do: absolute honesty. I never realised how hard that would be or how exposed id feel.
At first, that was it- the marriage was over, we were done.
9 months later I've had gambling support, been stepped up to and received psychotherapy and the hurley group offered us couples counselling.
I also got diagnosed with ADHD. This helped a lot- realising the dopamine hits that I chased were so important for me to self regulate- but that I needed to find some thing that didn't destroy my life.
Something's I did: downloaded and blocked everything to stop me gambling.
Downloaded Pokémon go! Weird but the little perks when I found Pokémon helped me transition.
Gave my wife my wage.
Admitted that the gambling might be the cause but my absence from family life was also an addiction to my phone.
Long walks. The long walks have been so important. I come home full of peace and calm. I sleep and I eat better.
I know I'm a long way off, but I'm also proud of how I accepted the help, the steps I've taken and the openess to change those parts of me that weren't so great.
Knowing I've got ADHD, I see the impulsivity I have now. I feel like I can see myself a lot clearer and I know what sets me off and what calms me down when I'm over or under stimulated.
I hope everyone out there accepts help, it truly saved me.
Hi Rachel
Thank you so much for opening up on here and being open & honest. I hope that the ADHD diagnosis, although a label helps you, but it sounds like it has. Congratulations so much on 9 months plus. You are so right and about help and support. Whether it's this community, counselling, GA or anything. I so resonate with you talking about walking. It's been a life saver for me and should be compulsive for anyone in recovery
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One year GF today.Â
It's hard to put into words what this year's been like. I feel like I've been stripped down and have had to build myself up brick by brick. It's been freeing but I've had to look at who I am and what I've done with unflinching honesty.Â
I am so grateful to be gamble free. The terror of being found out is a feeling I'll never forget, and whilst the shame still sits heavy on my chest, I've learned how to be kinder to myself and to find a really deeper sense of who I am and what I need.Â
Start the ADHD meds tomorrow, it's not a fix, but the way my brain impairs me might be reduced slightly.Â
Thoughts and love to everyone struggling. It's such a journey, but life after gambling is meaningful and alive and freeing.Â
Hi Rachel
Well done !!! That's incredible to get the one year up and you must be so proud of yourself !!! 💪Â
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