Hi all,
I wanted to share my *ongoing* story.
My husband has a gambling problem... thats why im here.
Last year my husband tore my heart out of my chest, and told me he had lost all of our money. £4000 to be precise, nothing left to pay our bills, feed our children or even to put petrol in our cars to get to work.
Stupidly, I took on his debt, and his parents helped us out with some money to repay some payday loans that he had got but were still paying it off now, almost a year later.
I felt so stupid that I was just strolling through life without realising that our livlihood was in the hands of the person that I thought was there to protect me, but in reality i couldnt have been further from the truth. And as a wife, thats still what hurts the most. He was in absoloute self destruct mode, and I thought that because the hardest thing for him to do was to admit it to me, and his parents that I could trust his word, and that when he said 'I promise i'll never do it again, im going to prove it to you' he actually meant it.
I've asked him a few times since then if hes had days where he's struggled. Or if he's even had a bet, because if he has - id rather the honesty. Everytime he's said no.... again, I was stupid to believe him.
Last Thursday I had a sinking feeling of suspicion that something wasnt right, so I started to do a littlw bit of digging around. And found a peice of paper that he had written on that showed he had maxed his emergency credit card to the tune of £1000 (he works away and I felt uncomfortable him not having any back up if the car broke etc) I wanted to trust him especially after i listened to him pour his heart out last year, maybe it was a subconcious test on my part? I think deep down i knew he would do it again.
So now were back where we started, and the worst part is that im not even upset. I dont care about the money, its the lies. Thats all its ever been about, and thats the one thing i'll never have control over or be able to change. How can i ever believe a word he says again? His salary already goes into my account, and ive asked him to close his email account and open a new one so he doesnt get bombarded with emails from bookies, but theres nothing stopping him from opening new credit cards, or payday loans without me knowing.
Im just at a loss as to how this has happened again
Hi Mrs Roberts
When he promised you that he would never gamble again he probably really did mean it...at the time. Unfortunately he is a CG and it takes a lot more than willpower to manage this addiction. It is my son that is the CG so the financial part isn't as significant to me but I absolutely agree with the lies hurting the most. Lies are what addicts do... not because they want to but because they have to to keep the addiction alive. Love and trust are 2 seperate things. You can love your husband but you don't have to trust him... specifically with your finances. Some of the wives will pop in shortly and give more specific suggestions for the finacial end.
I would suggest a Gam Anon meeting if you have one in your area. It's a great way to garner support and suggestions on how to live in your new reality.
Take Care... Reach out for all the support you can get.
Cathyx
Hi Mrs Roberts.
My husband is the CG in our relationship and has destroyed our relationship due to his gambling. I don't trust him...in any way. I have no faith in him. I don't believe a word that comes out of his lying mouth. He becomes verbally aggressive and abusive when he gambles. He is no longer the person I married. He doesn't love, honour and protect me. He lies, steals, blames me for his gambling woes, manipulates, bullies, twists everything round for his own gain....the list could go on....and on....
I don't love him any more. He know this. I left him and took our children. He promised to stop and get help. He goes to counselling but it's his last session Tuesday....as there is a 12wk waiting list for more and it will be with someone new he doesn't see the point in returning. He hasn't stopped gambling. I fact, everything he said he was going to stop doing he continues to do! He has moved the goal posts so many times it's actually laughable....I will stop gambling....I will only bet once a week....I will not exceed £20 a week....I will not midweek gamble....I will not bet on a certain sport which is a trigger for anger and frustration....the man is full of $h1t!! I am disconnected from him and our marriage....the only thing he's married to is his online bookie!!
What you feel is normal. Read stories on here and you will see that and I'm sure you know it anyway. I would suggest counselling for you if you want to stay with him. Even if you don't it will undoubtably help. Demand that he seeks help from GA and counselling through GamCare too. There are lots of other things he can do if he wants to stop this and move forward with a future together. Be strong and protect yourself in every way you need to. Do not let him make you feel guilty for doing that. It's his actions that have led to it in the first place so he will have to just suck it up and shut up! Lol
Keep posting and good luck, whatever your future holds and decisions you make they have to be for YOU not him
Sad x
Hi all!
I need help and advice! I have been on and off with my boyfriend for 6 years. He broke down a few years ago and told me he had a gambling problem and was seeing a counsellor and ga meetings. We got back together after a year gap about a year ago. He promises me he isn't gambling but....I found a log in to a website and guessed his password. He owes me money, has a go at be for asking and says I am putting pressure on him yet....when I look at his account he has gambled £1600 in the last 3 weeks - just 3 weeks. He would kill me/think I was a physco for knowing his log in but I don't know what to do any more. I'm at the end of my tether. And he is being S****y with me over money. Having a go at me for spending when I complain about money. I don't know what to do. Am I a bad person for do guessing his log in. Just know I am being lied to and being taken for a mug! Hate to post on here. But my family will say 'I told you so' I love this man. But I don't know how much more I can take!
Hi, both
Echo HL.
The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. The problems multiply when you think that it's down to you to save him from himself and that your love for him can achieve that. It can't. You can control what you do but you can't make him do or not do anything, you can't make his choice between gambling and recovery for him. It's no good you trying (probably in vain) to do for him what he must do for himself, so offer support but don't take over. The standard advice is not to protect them from the link between gambling and it's consequences.
My husband also kept his gambling going by an agressive (not physically) insistence on his privacy. Part of the manipulation that goes with gambling, I just wish that I'd realised it at the time.
Get credit reports in your name and his so that you can see the true state of the debt.
Put your own interests first and keep on doing what you are doing, get the help, support and information for you to cope with the situation that you're in. Use the GC helpline, tell a trusted RL friend, read round the forum, both sides. I find GamAnon helpful.
Look after you.
CW
PS You might start your own thread, K, scroll down to the bottom of the Family and Friends page and click "New Topic".
Hi Mrs Roberts,
Your story is so similar to mine. Exactly one year on from the 'last straw' the same thing occurred - I felt suspicious and like you found a mountain of gambling debt - £10k in 6 months to be precise. Even at that amount of money, it's not that that bothers me - it's the fact the last 6 months (and then some) of my entire marriage has been built solely on lies. I wasn't even that upset this time because I was half expecting it after the last 6 years. I just don't know what to do now though. That's my dilemma. How do I rip our lives apart and deal with that guilt (although it's not my doing), or how do I stay with him never trusting him and always suspecting. I'm not even a jealous or paranoid person and I hate that that's who I've turned into! I am in a lose/lose situation and wish I knew which way to turn!
Xxx
Mrsroberts wrote: Hi all, I wanted to share my *ongoing* story. My husband has a gambling problem... thats why im here. Last year my husband tore my heart out of my chest, and told me he had lost all of our money. £4000 to be precise, nothing left to pay our bills, feed our children or even to put petrol in our cars to get to work. Stupidly, I took on his debt, and his parents helped us out with some money to repay some payday loans that he had got but were still paying it off now, almost a year later. I felt so stupid that I was just strolling through life without realising that our livlihood was in the hands of the person that I thought was there to protect me, but in reality i couldnt have been further from the truth. And as a wife, thats still what hurts the most. He was in absoloute self destruct mode, and I thought that because the hardest thing for him to do was to admit it to me, and his parents that I could trust his word, and that when he said 'I promise i'll never do it again, im going to prove it to you' he actually meant it. I've asked him a few times since then if hes had days where he's struggled. Or if he's even had a bet, because if he has - id rather the honesty. Everytime he's said no.... again, I was stupid to believe him. Last Thursday I had a sinking feeling of suspicion that something wasnt right, so I started to do a littlw bit of digging around. And found a peice of paper that he had written on that showed he had maxed his emergency credit card to the tune of £1000 (he works away and I felt uncomfortable him not having any back up if the car broke etc) I wanted to trust him especially after i listened to him pour his heart out last year, maybe it was a subconcious test on my part? I think deep down i knew he would do it again. So now were back where we started, and the worst part is that im not even upset. I dont care about the money, its the lies. Thats all its ever been about, and thats the one thing i'll never have control over or be able to change. How can i ever believe a word he says again? His salary already goes into my account, and ive asked him to close his email account and open a new one so he doesnt get bombarded with emails from bookies, but theres nothing stopping him from opening new credit cards, or payday loans without me knowing. Im just at a loss as to how this has happened again
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