Hi, I don't really know where to begin or really why I am here. I suppose I just want any advice or information from anyone who has been through this and can tell me honestly if there is any hope that a normal life with a CG can ever be a possibility.
Last Thursday my partner of 7 years confessed he had been gambling "again " . I say again because shortly after we first met he stole money from my account with my cash card and confessed to having a gambling problem then. After him attending a few GA meetings, moving back in with his mum and doing everything I asked of him we decided to give it another go on the understanding he would never gamble again or I'd leave for good. He really did seem like a new man for a lot of years and as we were in our early twenties I just put it down to a young stupid mistake. Roll on 7 years, we now have an 18 month year old and my partner has confessed to shortly after our son was born having his first bet (if I can now even believe this was his first time, hard believing anything! ) and since then he's gone further and further down the rabbit hole, wracking up £1000s in payday loans, not paying bills, borrowing money from patents saying it was due to overspending and even borrowing money from work to pay our rent so he could free money up that way. I kind of let him have full financial control with our house and bills thinking he just wanted to manage it and provide for me and our son which I do believe he did. The pressure obviously got too much. I'm absolutely deveststed. I can't really see a way forward. He is saying that he will do everything this time to get help. He cut up his cards, gave me his passport, went to his first GA meeting on Sunday and has transferred his wages over to my account saying he doest want any money on him at all. He also is looking into therepy through Gamcare and also is speaking to a debt charity. All that sounds good but can I really ever trust him again? I've told him it's over as I just can't see a way where I can be with him as a partner without giving so much more of myself up. I just want the best for my son. So confused.
There is hope. I have to believe there's hope or I may as well not be living. I'm really sorry to hear your story because it makes me fearful, as I'm currently in my early twenties and have only just began fighting my gambling addiction. My prents now drip feed me income and I've started counselling. My girlfriend has helped pay some debts and all I'm living for is the day when I can treat her to something special to say 'sorry' and 'thank you'. There are many success stories on this website and i think if he is going to get counselling and go to GA then he has every chance of being successful. Your story shows that I can never let my guard down, because if he relapsed after 7 years then I have to ensure that I don't do that. Maybe i should never be allowed full access to my money again. I know I'm young and am in no way qualified to give advice but don't give up on him. Your son needs his father, broken homes aren't good for kids so young. You don't have to trust him financially, just keep permanent control of all of his money if he's willing, but if he is a good partner and a good dad then don't give up on him. He is ill and needs your help. My girlfriend said to me that if she needs to take permanent charge of my finances then she will, and I can live with that, but I know i will always provide her with what matters - love and affection. She trusts me in every other way other than financially and I can give her financial trust by giving her control. It's just money and it isn't worth breaking up over. I'd say that no you probably can't trust him, but just make it harder for him to gamble and hopefully you can find a way to live without that absolute trust. Sorry if I'm rambling, i'm just typing as I think, but I hope you can kind of see sense in what I'm saying. No body is perfect and as long as you can find ways to live with your partners imperfections and as long as there is a foundation of love, you shouldn't give up. I really wish your partner all the best in recovery and Im sorry you're going through such a tough period. You'll find support on this site
I feel for you, only because I know what it feels like when you have that realisation that you dont actually know them as well as you think you do. Its comforting to read stories that are so alike to ourselves, I felt like it was only my husband that could be so silly. But finding this website has shown me that so many others suffer trust and honesty issues in their relationships which is beyond our control.
Some peoples stories are worse than mine, some peoples arent as bad. But were all in the same boat one way or another which is why we write on here today.
I agree with Lego1993 trust him as much as you can with everything other than money, I made the mistake of bailing my husband out last year to the tune of ВЈ4000 and I believed him when he promised he'd learnt his lesson. I gave him an 'emergancy only' credit card as he works away, and now not even 1 year later I find out that his 'emergancy £1000' was to bet on horses again. Ive learnt the hard way. I was so desperate for him to be honest and to trust him, but he's failed again and maybe thats my fault for giving him enough rope to hang himself with, but im sure of one thing... i wont give him the opportunity to spend money without my say so again. The money can be repayed, its never been about that for me. Its always been the lies.
Stay strong, turn your focus to helping him get better, dont smother him and be firm he should be a role model for your child, and if he doesnt pull his finger out and prove it soon, then he'll realise he should have done that when its too late.
Thanks for all of your comments and advice. I have now seen his credit report on your advice Half-Life and thankfully no nasty surprises other than the huge amount of debts he'd already confessed to. He sent me his log in details as soon as I said. Suppose that's one thing. Can I ask to both Half-Life and Mrsroberts how many times your partners have come clean and then re offended as it were? Do they both regularly attend GA or counciling?
All of our closest friends and family know now, and most are saying I should leave. The situation we are in is that we move house in 2 weeks and to throw him out now would mean we are both homeless as I still need him financially to pay the rent! ! I also think no matter what happens I owe it to my son to make sure his dad has the best chance of recovery and if I asked him to leave right now I genuinely believe he wouldn't have the strength to get the help he needs and I really really do want him to get help. I hope I don't sound too hard, I'm still just so angry. Think its as I already gave him one chance so long ago!! I suppose it's for him to prove in the next few months while we are still living as family and it's just one day at a time.
Lego1993 I wish you luck with everything. Your girlfriend seems like she is giving you her support which is great. My partner didn't gamble for so long on willpower alone so try nto to fall into his trap and just keep going to GA meetings which seem to be what others advise.
Thanks again everyone
I won't stop going. I know I will never be cured and even if i can get to the point where i only go to GA every couple of months then that will be great, but I won't stop going completely. Reading some of the family stories makes me quite angry. I can see the things CGs put their loved ones through and I feel angry at myself, but I also feel angry at the people that say we can't change. I understand that many people have been hurt too many times and feel that resentment, but look your husband went 7 years clean, so he can beat this, he just needs to not get complacent again. All the best and good luck
This is the 3rd time in 10 years that this has happened to us. The first time wasnt much, but was still gambling. Last year was the hardest because thats when i realised that he struggled to be honest with me, this time im not upset, which worries me. I trust that he doesnt want to lose me, but it hurts so much that he can be so easily dishonest. I struggle to keep nice surprises from him because im so comfortable with him that i just tell him everything so I dont understand why he lies. And what was sad this time was that he actually said to me 'your just so hard to talk to' personally, i dont think i am and maybe *hopefully* thats just his excuse.
Id honestly urge you to try and support him. If he is willing to help himself, and you have financial control over everything then thats a huge indicator that he's willing to stop, but he'll need your help - theres no denying that. Ive told my husband he'll be working weekends until its all cleared! Were on our first holiday alone in almost 8 years next month without the kids which has come at the right time. It will be our chance to remember why were in this together, and will be his reminder of things we wont have if he continues.
My husband, doesnt attend councilling but this is something that I intend to approach this weekend while were away from our hometown.
You'll always be suspicious, but thats not such a bad thing. That way you can protect him from himself.
Hello Danlau2014
Welcome to the forum
It sounds very difficult for you right now. Gambling and the loss of trust that comes with it can put alot of strain on a relashionship.
It is positve that your husband has handed finances over to you and he is seeking help for his problem gambling. Partners also sometimes need help and there is support for you here. GamCare advisors are available and will listen to your concerns. If you would like to talk to an advisor we are open 8am -midnight everyday and our contact number is 0808 8020 133. There is counselling available for you and advisors can help you with this process. It is free as funded for twelve sessions and services are across the Uk.
Keep posting we are here to support you
Forum admin
Hello Mrsroberts
Problem Gambling can bring with it the behaviour or lying and secrecy as a person get further into debt. It sounds like you would find it helpful to get some support for yourself as you say you would like to do so this weekend. There is counselling available for you and the gamcare advisors can help and support you to do this . When someone has a problem gambling it can also bring with it feelings of shame and it is hard for a person who is gambling to talk to those close to them. If your husband would also like to have counselling gamcare advisors can be contacted on 0808 8020 133 helpline are open 8am -midnight . Please also find a link here for some support information for yourself that can be helpful http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/partners-friends-and-family
Keep posting we are here to support you
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