My life has changed overnight

Hi sleepless,

So happy that you found this site! No way you can go through this alone. Ok, i am a compulsive gambler trying to find the way out of this addiction.
It's not about me, so i shall stop here. I am glad your husband told you about the addiction. It's first step forward,however taking in consideration how destructive/deceitful and sly this addiction is - his words won't get your trust back...nor it will feed the household. You need actions! I see he already put some measures in place to stop his next bet..please don't get fooled that this is ot..it won't be - he needs to want recovery/harmony and life you and your family deserve more than next bet! This is not easy...I'm not trying to sound negative, but dear lady...please read around the forum..broken hearts are all over the place...still..it can be done, - absolutely. Taking over the finances is good step forward...it is very wrong that his wrongdoings falling on your shoulders to sort HIS mess out, but please...now and here you need to get your priorities right. By all means be there for him, talk, express your confusion over it and pain you feel..be open....he needs to do the same. Only honesty can go a long way...honesty and commitment. There is help out there for us addicts, same as family members affected by this addiction. Why don't you ring GC? They can offer you and your husband support. There are GA meetings if he wants to take thiose steps, self exclusions, counselling.
You can do so much..beast lays within him and he needs to get his head down.
Don't get manipulated..we tend to play "our cards" when need arises...one day gamble free is just the start..he might even feel newborn after a month and think - yay "I'm cured"..no such thing dear lady..recovery requires determination, honesty, strength and full commitment.

You and your family deserves peace and calm..work at it together..it might be a long road to get the trust and harmony back but the road worth walking if you willing to make it work.

I'm sorry if i sound negative..i am just pleased to see you seeking for help and support...you truly need it...please keep looking..you and your feelings matters the most! Never forget that.

Wish you both successful recovery and finding your old life taking it slowly and content - one day at a time

Sandra x

Morning,

I'm sorry to hear what's happening, been there, it's horrible for you and you are absolutely right to put yourself and your daughter first and to assume that he has no control over the gambling. If you put him first or try to save him from himself, you'll get overwhelmed in the chaos caused by addiction.

The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. Which makes sense, the only person you can control is you. Begging, pleading and logic get you nowhere with him. He controls him and chooses between continued gambling or recovery but you can't make that choice for him.

Being a CG means having an addiction to the process of gambling. The compulsion is for the next bet, therefore the CGs do what it takes to achieve that: (I'm just borrowing the money, I'll win more and put it back before it's missed) they deny how bad it is (I can stop any time I like), they blame everything and everyone around them (if you didn't do XYZ and make me feel bad, I wouldn't have to gamble), rationalise (we need the money), manipulate (it's ok for you to buy yourself a new handbag but you begrudge me my hobby), lie. All of this is classic CG behaviour and you would be so much better off to recognise it for what it is instead of believing it. All this corrupted thinking becomes engrained and it's not easy to overcome, it's doable but long term and with ongoing maintenance, the best source of help for him is GA meetings. So beware of flashes of revelation, he's seen the truth, he won't do it again, all sorted. That's just addicts kidding themselves.

Do protect yourself financially, regardless of protests and charm, you can't trust a CG. Separate what assets you can, if you are prepared to take financial control and drip feed him minimal cash for day to day needs, that will protect you and help him. In that order. Also, get the £2 statutory reports from all three credit agencies in your name and his, just to be sure that nothing has been overlooked or understated. Beware if you get less than his full cooperation.

Get RL help for you, tell a friend or family member you can trust, I recommend GamAnon meetings, also GC have a helpline. re secrecy, gambling thrives on it, better to have it in the open, tell anyone who might give him money, I didn't spare my husband's parents.

Hope this helps, look after yourself.

CW

Forgot to say, re the debts, yes, they're his not yours, bail outs don't help. He needs to take responsibility for them, otherwise it encourages the fantasy that it's not that bad. I did bail out first time round, most people end up doing it but it's best avoided, you get no thanks. My experience was that he was eternally grateful - for five minutes.

His debts come a poor second to household needs and there's no rush to clear the slate.

Take care,

CW

Thank you all for your messages. We went through everything financial last night. I think he has only told me as everything was maxed out, he did say he considered another credit card but hasn't done that at least. His mum wanted to sort the money but I have asked that she leave that for now. He needs to see the cold concequences.

At the minute there is a lot of 'justification' happening. When money has gone out of our bank he's saying it was just to pay bills not gambling. But he's forgetting that we would have had the money to cover the bills if it wasn't for the credit card payments which funded the gambling. Really want him to go to a meeting which I've asked him to go within the next week. He's currently hiding away from his job at home whilst I go to work and try to pretend everything is ok!

X

Hi,

When the gambling came to light this time round, my husband also agreed to go to GA "next week", that was fair enough, he's going to go, he's not trying to avoid it, no rush...etc. There was a local meeting that day but my husband convinced me that next week would do.

My eldest and I spent that day at home picking up some of the pieces whilst my husband was at work, my poor eldest having finished public exams the previous day. His mates were off celebrating whilst he was stuck at home, closing down his father's account at BetOnAnythingYou LikeDotCom and installing blocking software. And he had nothing to celebrate with, his father had gambled it. I was trawling through bank statements and when I showed my eldest the full horror of them, his patience was at a low ebb and he flatly told me to contact my husband and insist that he go to GA that evening. I did and my husband capitulated without difficulty, he even took himself to a second meeting the following night. And he's attended both meetings ever since.

That was my experience. It's worth doing what you can to get your husband to the first meeting, maybe even the first few but after that it's down to him to take the help for himself.

Look after you.

CW

Hi CW

know how you feel. there are encouragments to gamble all over the place and you cant watch them all. My other half started with horses. He encouraged me to do it with him. When i got him over the horses he turned to fruit machines. which were everywhere he went, pubs, clubs, betting offices.

i felt we were getting further apart as you did. thought there was another woman at one point (but know he did not have high s*x drive for two women). Then on valentines day 2016 we seperated. He hid behind his kids, saying we couldnt go on as we were. I was watching him so close at this point he couldnt get away to get his fix. He was shouting at everyone. When we seperated i said i wanted to work on myself (as he turned me into a monster) and surgested he did the same. I watched on line where his name turned up for 2 months

(googled him). He turned up on this site. Now he cant speak to me. Shame i surpose. I have been dumped for fruit machines.

Think you have to think of your child. He has to pay his own debt off. I take it he hasnt joined this site?

Nadine x

Hello everyone, I also am a wife of gambler, and it's been very difficult for the past few years now...I understand how u all feel but in my case my husband of 15 years is refusing to get help in stead he makes promises and never ending lies.. I don't know how our marriage will ever continue. We have two children 10 and 13 years old and it s been tough on them too with mounting debts and no savings left anymore I don't know what to do...