Hi everyone i'm wanting advice etc
I joined this Website as my girlfriend said she reckons it'd be good for me as she is also on it but she is the CG.
It started exactly a year ago unbeknown to me I only found out cause I had a feeling she had a problem with gambling when questioning her she was always argumentative and angry about it she does also have mental health problems the two kind of collide.
Anyway I rang up a certain company to ask information on her behalf why she hadnt recieved some money only to learn that she had gambled £2000 away i questioned her and hell broke lose things are difficult anyway with her problems but soon as i confronted her that was it. I felt heartbroken let down and lost all my trust i couldn't believe it we had not that long ago enjoyed a beautiful holiday in Spain she hid it well.
Anyway after a long discussion she said she had no problem with gambling but deep down i knew different my heart ached i started feeling really low about myself wondering why she wouldnt just admit it. Our money isnt together but we live together and we have bills.
It took her along time to accept and open up to me she had a problem, promise after promise she wouldn't do it again but i always found out she had and constant lies was happening on a weekly occurence.
This continued i started checking her phone and just as i thought more gambling I work full time my partner doesnt due to mental health but it went through me knowing all her money is going on gambling, i dont want to live my life with a CG but i loved her so much I wanted to help but she would just get angry at me then go into a mental outburst it takes its toll on me its so tiring. I become depress and feel alone i know she is also lonely as shes always home doesnt go out alone due to problems.
As this had carried on for a long time i helped her find a counsellor she wouldnt go to meetings but would have telephone counselling I was proud and thought shes finally getting help then i found out she'd lied again to me she had gambled alot but she just lied to me but was telling the counsellor.
A few weeks ago she told me she hadnt gambled for two weeks and that she thinks the counselling is helping over the phone but in my gut something was telling me different so again I found out she'd lied again i've had constant lies for god knows how long now and its really grinding me down i feel so c**P about myself, I dont tell anyone tht my partner has a problem I know what they would say.
I've told her i've lost all respect and trust for her i can't cope with the lies its hard when a mental episode happens alone without the lies and going behind my back.
Its really taken it's toll on me so much that i now cannot concentrate on my job and have had to take sick leave as well as get some counselling in place for myself then i sit and think to myself why do i need counselling when i'm not the one with the problem?
Why do i feel the need to cry all the time cause of what she is doing? why do i deserve this? what did i ever do in life to be lied to?
Over and over again this enters my mind and it sends me crazy.
She thinks I don't care shes very paranoid and insecure as i am and so are many others but i'd never do anything to hurt her and i'm finding it hard to make her believe me but i'm not the one who should be begging her to trust me i'm the one with the real trust issues due to constant lies and its making me at breaking point.
She joined gamcare exactly 7 days ago she wasnt going to but her telephone counsellor also said it would be a good idea.
I helped her with it and read some of other gamblers diaries with her shes even started her own and I am proud of her cause the past 7 days she has been GF shes also got the K9 on her laptop which only I have the password for. Unfortunately she cannot get it on her phone but she is starting to be more honest with me or at least I hope she is.
I'm really proud she has been GF and that she has started her journey here on Gamcare I really hope she sticks at it and doe succeed cause it has been tearing us apart. I do worry though i can't be sick off work forever so when I do return to work what happens then will she still stay and carry on with the Gamcare and keep up with being GF I really hope she does because all this turmoil has destroyed and I honestly cannot take it anymore i'm finding it hard to gain full trust back she does say i wish you would trust me but i can't just turn my trust back on like that.
If she reads my post in here maybe she will have an idea and understand more about how this affects me and it's affecting me mentally and emotionally. I give all my support the best I can but sometimes i'm exhausted with the lies that have happened.
I want the woman I met back the one who would tell me anything the woman who would come to me when she has a problem that woman I fell in love with.
Kirsty if you do read this i'm so proud of you for your 7 days GF but please for your sake and for the sake of our relationship please keep it up no more lies. No more secrets. It's not only destroying me it will destroy us. I'm so proud you've finally stepped up the courage to get help and i hope it continues and you do well on your journey I am here when you need me and for absolutely anything else.
Thank you for reading and I hope I don't go on too much I just don't know who else to turn to about my own feelings and thoughts.
Melissa, Your partner is not trying to hurt you, that's the last thing she wants to do, shes dying inside for all of what she has put you through, and how something so meaningless and stupid (gambling) has put such a huge strain on the relationship.
She couldn't accept that she had a problem, but now she does, and finally she is at the stage where she knows she is fully READY and COMMITED to stopping gambling for good.
She loves you with all of her heart and soul, but gambling is an overpowering demon that somehow manages to take control over people, you need to look after yourself.
Seeing the affect it has on you kills her even more.
But at the same time, seeing this has helped her realise just how bad things have got and how much she NEEDS to change, for the sake of herself and you and the relationship.
She still doesn't understand why or how it started, but understanding that it NEEDS TO END is what is keeping her going.
You have been a MASSIVE support to her the last week and without you she couldn't have done it.
You have no idea how much you mean to her. She only wishes she could show you.
A lot of family and friends comments on here and other gambling fourums state that "Nothing anyone can do or say will help, it has to be 100% from the CG" "Nobody else can help" "It's not down to support from loved ones" etc.. But I massively dissagree.
I know that she couldnt do it without your support, She's not strong enough on her own,
You keep her going and give her reason to improve her life, so that she can improve your life too.
Don't let her drag you down,
She knows deep down that you can't trust her, and won't for a very long time, it just hurts her knowing that she is the reason that you are struggling with trust issues and she feels so much guilt and remorse for it.
But now she's focusing on regaining your trust.
She really didnt mean to lie to you, and although you dont think it did, it destroyed her inside and only fueled the negative feelings, she was just too ashamed to admit it, and scared that you was gonna walk away.
Please work together to keep each other strong and you can both be happy again, she's willing to do anything, she wants to change so much.
She is so happy and proud that you joined this site, for support for yourself,
And it means so much to her that you are willing to come on here too, to follow her story, her feelings and try to understand more about problem gambling for both of you.
Love from,
The conscience, and the clear and rational mind of the EX compulsive gambler who broke your heart
Melissa, Hi.
I was chatting to Kirsty tonight in chat and she mentioned your diary. Sorry for not getting to post on it sooner...but I am here now.
Well done both of you for joining Gamcare, it is the way to go. Well done Kirsty on your 8 days GF. Melissa you need to get yourself back to work when your ready. Kirsty can I suggest that you fill your time when your not in work at the moment, with meaningful stuff, like the gym, or a bit of volunteer work. I work in mental health, so understand how hard it is, I really do. Kepp talking to each other and keep at it, you will get there.
Julie
x
Hi Julie thank you for your message. Kirsty did mention something about chat I wasn't sure as I've not really looked at this website only a few posts etc but I think maybe it's better for gamblers rather than myself who's a loved one of a gambler. I will go back to work asap cause I know I'll end up losing my job eventually. It's just hard I let things grind me down and it's hard to trust Kirsty at the moment I'm trying really hard but I'm just waiting to be let down and hurt. I'm really proud on the other hand of her GF days I just hope she sticks it out and beats this. Unfortunately I don't think they do much for mental health not where Kirsty is concerned anyway so when kirsty has a break down it's such hard work and I get so overwhelmed and lonely unsure what to do and no matter what I do it doesn't make things any better. Kirsty is having some trust issues with me at the moment I'm not sure if it's cause she's lied hell of a lot to me and now thinks I'm the same or what?! I do try and get her to talk to me but whenever I ask she just tells me she doesn't want to talk but I'm here anyway. Like now she's on here looking at diaries which is good and hope she will pick up good tips from them and I'm just watching the voice mind boggling but hopefully we will get there one day?
Melissa x
Hi Melissa, you need to look after yourself. You ask why should you go to counselling, you don't have a problem....but you have been impacted by your partners behaviour. Trust has to be earned back, and that will take time, it is unreasonable that your partner expects you to trust again yet. I suspect that she cannot trust herself...so why should you trust her?
It sounds as though there is a lot of strain in your relationship. Maybe counselling would help you sort out your feelings, what you want from the relationship, what you are prepared to give.
I don't know if you have looked into Gamblers Anonymous, where I live there is a weekly meeting that friends/partners/relatives may attend, and those that do seem to find them useful to help understand compulsive gambling. It is also helpful to us compulsive gamblers to understand how our actions impact others. I notice that Kirsty has used this as a means to communicate her feelings to you. I know that I find it easier to write things down, than voice them out loud, maybe these diaries are a good way to help your communication with one another, or if you don't want all your thoughts to be read by others, maybe writing them down for each other.
I hope you both do get there one day.
A lot of family and friends comments on here and other gambling fourums state that "Nothing anyone can do or say will help, it has to be 100% from the CG" "Nobody else can help" "It's not down to support from loved ones" etc.. But I massively dissagree.
I know that she couldnt do it without your support, She's not strong enough on her own,
I respectfuly disagree with the above. That is a lot of pressure on your partner. You have inadvertently put the onus on your partner for your recovery and that's not fair... she has her own stuff to deal with from the fallout of this.
When you are on the otherside of this addiction all the above comments make total sense. We have all tried everything possible to try and help our gamblers. There is a saying that "if love were enough there wouldn't be addicts". Nobody is saying you can't be supportive but family and friends can't do it or want it for the addict.
Everything you are feeling is totally normal Melissa... it's neither right nor wrong it just is. What you are going through is hard and when we are in the middle of it our perspective gets very skewed. Try and get some outside support for yourself.
Take Care
Cathyx
Hi Ladies, welcome to the forum 🙂
I echo the above in relation to getting some support for yourself Melissa! Living with a CG is incredibly painful & a GamAnon group would be a great place for some real life support from people who have walked in your shoes. It's a common theme here where we the gambler have a burning need to be trusted & you, the loved ones, bury your heads in the sand for want of a better phrase, because we are able to convince you that this is vital to our recovery. This does no-one any good & GamAnon will give you direction as to how to manage these expectations. I trust myself but there's no way I expect my husband to trust me with money, not yet, maybe not ever.
Kirsty, keep working with your counsellor, keep working on your honesty. You don't need me to kick you because you are already hurting enough but keep fighting for you as well as each other. Now that you have come clean & accepted the pain, be patient & know that even when you don't feel strong, addiction doesn't control you.
Keep looking after yourselves - ODAAT
"
A lot of family and friends comments on here and other gambling fourums state that "Nothing anyone can do or say will help, it has to be 100% from the CG" "Nobody else can help" "It's not down to support from loved ones" etc.. But I massively dissagree.
I know that she couldnt do it without your support, She's not strong enough on her own,
I respectfuly disagree with the above. That is a lot of pressure on your partner. You have inadvertently put the onus on your partner for your recovery and that's not fair... she has her own stuff to deal with from the fallout of this."
I am not meaning to put any pressure on Melissa at all, All I know is that before she knew the full extent that I couldn't manage to stay motivated, but now that she does know and has said "You can talk to me, I'm here for you" I now feel the strength inside me.
Also what I mean by, "I couldn't do it without you" is more to do with the fact that I am doing this for myself AND melissa and our relationship.
I can't talk to my mother, and I dont have any friends at all, so the support from Melissa really helps me.
I am doing everything else that I can think of.
I'm on here, I speak with a counsellor, I've applied for Gamcare Group Counselling, I've got K9, I've self excluded from everything and anything else that I might have forgot to mention.
But I am really trying. Really really hard. I feel AWFUL for what I have done to Melissa, I can't change what I've done, I can only try to make it better..
I'm sorry
Knowing that melissa is there for me, it gives me strength and relief inside.
It just helps. If you think I'm putting pressure on Melissa then how do I stop?
Do I not talk to her about it anymore? Because if I do that she will think I'm keeping things from her.
I don't know what to do
Hi Melissa
Just to say counselling and Gamanon may not be right for every affected family of a gambler. No harm in trying either or both if you want to but no need to feel you haven't done everything possible if you don't. I've never done either - I leave the 'official' stuff to Mr L who did/does both (GA rather than Gamanon in his case) but what I did do was read everything I could google about the addiction and then some. Understanding what you're up against is key.
Don't feel pressured to trust either. It's absolutely fine not to. Mr L knows I don't trust him financially and never will again. He doesn't say much about it or pressure me to do so. He knows it's him that created the situation so he just has to get on with it as one of the consequences to the way he behaved.
Hi Kirsty
My advice would be to be led by what Melissa wants. If she wants to talk about it, let her. If she wants a break from it (it can be completely overwhelming for partners especially in the early days) go with that too. Answer any questions she has honestly and patiently even if you think you've already covered it. There's a mass of information to take in and process for partners and alongside that there's the practicalities and responsibilities of having to protect their own financial position. Show her what you're doing to limit your access to cash and gambling.Get her involved in things like looking after the finances, seeing credit reports, setting passwords. Action speaks louder than words.
Also, expressing that I wish I could be trusted, is not me trying to put pressure on Melissa to trust me, It's my way of acknowledging that it is me who has destroyed the trust. I obviously shouldn't be saying that, I didnt realise the impact it would have, like I didn't see that it is putting pressure on Melissa. But obiously after reading your comments I now know that I am saying the wrong thing. I just want to put it out there that I am Not in any way trying to force trust.
I know that I have completely messed up, I know that it is completely my fault. I WISH I didnt destroy the trust, that is probably the more sensible way of putting it.
I was stupid enough to think that my gambling wasn't going to have any bad effect on my partner because our finances were separate. To be honest I thought it was just about money, needing money to gamble, gambling to try and get money, losing all my money due to gambling.. So because our finances are separate I just thought that It was my problem and that Melissa would be okay.
I'm still VERY new to all of this, I've only just really fully accepted that I have an addiction, and since then I Have been GF and done all that I can.
I'm feeling like I'm a sh***y person now, because I just seem like a stroppy little kid, expecting miracles and putting pressure on the one person who means everything to me.
I think it's best if I unsubscribe to this, and maybe delete my comments too, so that I don't see what others opinions are? Because maybe I can't take it. I thought I was doing really well, but I'm not, I'm just messing my partners life up and she doesn't deserve it.
I'm so happy knowing that Melissa can seek support and advise on here, but at the same time hate myself because if it wasn't for me being so stupid and selfish she wouldn't need to be here in the first place.
Thanks for reading
Lethe wrote:
Hi Kirsty
My advice would be to be led by what Melissa wants. If she wants to talk about it, let her. If she wants a break from it (it can be completely overwhelming for partners especially in the early days) go with that too. Answer any questions she has honestly and patiently even if you think you've already covered it. There's a mass of information to take in and process for partners and alongside that there's the practicalities and responsibilities of having to protect their own financial position. Show her what you're doing to limit your access to cash and gambling.Get her involved in things like looking after the finances, seeing credit reports, setting passwords. Action speaks louder than words.
Thank you so much xx
Don't unsubscribef Kirsty cause you've done well on here. Just take the comments on the nose everyone is entitled to their own opinion but don't unsubscribe cause of it you've done very well and without this I don't think you'd manage so keep it up I want you to stay on gamcare
Melissa love I don't mean come off the whole website, I just mean Unsubscribe from this thread.. So that I don't see what others are saying to you. I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and that's good because it's helping me see things from different points of view, and understand things more. But I don't want to put pressure on you and I'm so sorry that I have been
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