so angry!

AND this really is time to rally your own support network, start talking, to family, to friends, dont suffer this in silence, the more public bullying becomes, the harder it gets for the bully to keep using the same tactics.

Hi Pangolin,

I told my mum the situation and she's told my dad and brothers etc, I've had my friends rallying around everyday too and offering help with the kids . They have been brilliant although I can tell most are sceptical that the break up will last as I usually take him back. I am refusing to. He rang me again asking I'd he can have the sofa so I've agreed as he's taking the girls to school in the morning. I saw him earlier and drilled into him that only he can change and that no matter how much he tells me it's all my fault, I refuse to take blame. He can't get to me and that's making him worse. If he puts one more foot wrong in my house around the kids I will ring the police. I just wish we had no need for communication as it's so much easier when he's out of sight out of mind. For the first time ever I refused to go along with his mind games yesterday about him 'killing himself' he keeps saying I'm heartless and that Im messing my life up. He's delusional. His mum knows exactly what he's doing but she turns a blind eye, she does the same for his dad. Sorry for the rambling and jumble, it's so hard to get everything out.

The only way to get it out is to ramble. A transcript of the things I have said at gamanon meetings would be totally unintelligible reading it back, so much starting to say one thing and going of on another thought and then forgetting and starting again. We are all the same.

It's easy to take them back, they're not like the average abusive partner, they only abuse as ameans to an end, the abuse itself is not their drug, so they can switch back to charming and lovely when that seems more likely to work, but that doesnt mean it isnt abuse, you have been through that experience, your children have witnessed it, it happened.

He will forget it.

That is the illness, he will forget it, he will switch back to charming to get what he wants, when that stops working he will switch back to abuse again and so on and so on until the cycle gets broken.

The definition of insanity is to keep repeating the same action expecting a different result. This insanity is at the root of why gamblers try to resolve their gambling problems by gambling more and also why they will repeat lies, thinking they will work a second time, why they will repeat bullying if it has had the desired effect last time they did it.

Keep rambling. Well done for telling your family and friends, it takes such a lot of courage to start telling people close to you, but that must have been a relief.

Hi GemLou89

Great suggestion from Pangolin re his mother, and this forum. She may be turning a blind eye, but I don't think she really knows what can, and does happen when a gambler goes off the rails.

As always, the gambler tries to lay blame elsewhere. He is trying to make you feel guilty. As you know, you have no reason to feel guilt, you and the kids are the innocent parties.

You aren't rambling, talking about problems is healthy, letting off steam here is healthy.

Good luck with your counsellor session tomorrow? I hope you let it all out. You will feel much better for it.

All the best

Good luck gem lou bloody shame what your having to cope with and put up with!! He will see the true women that you are now so stand up to him and don't give in and do what's right for you and your baby's . Don't suffer like this you don't have to. Soon as he sees your standing your ground on your word. He will soon gwt his act togher hopefully x

Hi GemLou

I'm pleased that you were able to speak to someone on our helpline and felt better. You may have been given this number already but please have to hand the National Domestic Violence Helpline number on 0808 2000 247. They can give free advice and support. Please keep posting here so we know how you are doing.

Best wishes

Rebecca

Thankyou everyone!

The councillor was fantastic, she was really easy to talk to and I got lots off my chest. He was being a bully all the way there then on the way back he was trying to be nice. He confuses me and anything he tried to promise etc I just replied it's only temporary. Everything is always based on what mood he's in so I know if he says something good, when he's mad he'll just take it all back. He's looking for somewhere else to live at the moment but for the time being he's refusing to leave our house or contribute to any bills etc. I've seen in his emails that he's also been applying for loans. I don't know how he's going to be able to financially cope with a house to look after on his own.

Thanks administration, I will keep in regular Contact on here and keep that number handy.

He went to work and then messaged me saying he's blown all his money so ill have to switch my phone bill to my account or my phone will be cut off. Then he had the cheek to ask me to buy him some f**s! I Said no so he asked me for one and I said no again. He asked me if I was being serious and I just replied that i'm it bailing him out not any way shape or form. He stormed out and I was anxious he'd be angry but he text me a sob story of how sorry he is etc. I'm still shocked he expected me to buy him things!

GemLou,

I've just picked up on this series of posts. I'm a former gambler but I've never put a wife or partner through anything quite as bad as you have described. I think he needs psychiatric help (you've said yourself he's delusional). That said, you need to protect yourself and your kids. He's obviously playing with your emotions bigstyle. In your shoes I would have called the police told them of his threats.

In my view you need to get him out of the house and quick. I'd even have the locks changed. If he came back, couldn't get in and became abusive. I'd call the police to him. You and your kids shouldn't have to endure him and his tantrums. You need to protect yourself and them.

Do you honestly think he will cope on his own ? No. Thought not. Maybe he'll go and live with his mother (see how long she'll put up with him, not long if she's anything like mine was). He could well stay with you making your lives a misery for the duration.

He doesn't sound as though he's got a pot to P**s in. Let alone afford the rent for another house. Kick him out. Let him paddle his own canoe. He'll either sink or swim. Don't make that your concern though. That's his problem.

He's making it plain how he wants to live his life.You don't have to be dragged down to the gutter with him. Maybe when he's laid there looking at the stars, he'll decide to seek the help he undoubtedly needs.

You've only got one life (and so have your children) so live it like it's meant to be lived. Not how another person wants it to be lived.

Take Care Now.

Hi GemLou89

Very pleased that your session with the counsellor went so well for you. It makes everything just that little bit easier to unburden yourself every now and then.

I am sure that we have touched on this during a previous thread, but I will bring it up again. He has said that he is going to continue gambling, he is applying for loans etc, and he is trying to get you to enable him as well. (Buying his smokes means he doesn't have to, therefore he can use any money he does have, if any, to gamble) .

Please make sure that you are protected from any financial impact of his gambling. Do you have any accounts in both names, any borrowings in both names etc.

Keep talking with your family and your counsellor. Keep the family informed. They will be able to think clearer than you, given that you are centre stage in all this. Ultimately, you are the one that has to make any decision re your situation. Listen to your family and your counsellor, ( I think Pangolin speaks a lot of sense too), then use this advice to make your decisions.

Take care

GemLou,

Pangolin and Wal1957 do make excellent posts. I've read some of their other contributions.

Whatever course of action you decide to take, Best Wishes.

MrStop are you still on line. I would really like to speak with someone.

Or is anyone online.

I've responded to your other post on new members, Empty and Lost.

Thanks I have replied to you and it really felt good to admit to someone that I am a gambler. Because I am a manager in my job I have to present as if I know the right thing and because it is in the Social Care and Housing Sector I cannot admit to any of my friends because all my friends are either work colleagues or ex-work colleagues and my parents or siblings would not understand so I often felt alone and never knew this forum even existed. One of the guys in the bookies told me to contact Gamcare and tonight I was so upset with my self. Well you know the rest of the story.