so angry!

Hang on in there mate it's a long road I have only been free for21 days but you can do it

Need any help just say

Thankyou for the support everyone!

He lost all his money yesterday and last night and today he's being 'mr nice guy' saying he's seen the light and he's going to get sorted etc. Bit quick to have an epiphany if you ask me....I'm thinking this mood is just based on the fact he wants me to buy him things so he's creeping. I just can't trust him and I know this nice bloke is only temporary. He's been looking at other houses to live, whether he will actually do it or not I don't know :/ He rang his brother last night, he said to tell him the situation but then he said he'd also asked him to lend him money! Will he stop at nothing to get money out of people?! His brother luckily refused to help him financially. He said he was going to ring gamcare last night and he still hasn't. It's so much easier for me to hate him when he's angry but when he's playing at being down and wanting to try, it's so hard. It hurts and I can't even look at him. He knows the right things to say at the right time and I hate him for that.

I really feel for you GemLou. I just hope you can sort this out sooner rather than later so you and the kids can get some peace.

Best Wishes.

Hi GemLou89

Stay strong! Don't fall for the 'Mr Nice Guy act'. As you say, he is just buttering you up.

You will NOT help him by enabling him. Don't fall for the sympathy card, the Mr nice guy, or the " I'll call Gamcare tomorrow " act. Every time you, or his mum helps him financially ( this includes buying food by the way ), you enable him to gamble. He will try to wear you down, just so he can get a few $$$ out of you.

Remember that you always have the Gamcare Helpline available, use it if you think you need it.

As always, look after yourself and best wishes from Aust.

Hi
Gemlou

I can only offer advice on this from my experience. Your partner is an emotional bully, he is a liar, he is a thief, his morality has vanished, he cares about no one & no thing except gambling & how to get money with which to gamble with. In short hes an addict. I know this because i too was one for 29 years. I too would use my partner any which i could to obtain money. I forged signatures on mortgage applications, i raided her purse, stole her credit cards, emptied childrens bank accounts & rattled out £1 coins from their piggy banks because i had no cash left to buy petrol or f**s.

So how does the cycle stop?
For me it was when i had nowhere else to go except recovery. I had to realise that i had exhausted all avenues of opportunity. I had to know there were no more 2nd chances no financial or emotional bailouts. I had to understand that if i continued to gamble there would be consequences. Only by people stepping away & trying to fix me did i realize the only person who could sort me was me.

I walked/stumbled into a GA room on the 21st April 2007, i hated it, couldnt wait to get back to gambling. But i couldnt. I had all access to money taken from me, i was taken to all bookies & arcades in the area to self exclude. I was asked to make a daily plan & to keep my partner informed of my wherabouts @ all times. These were a few conditions laid out to me that i had to agree to or suffer the consequences of no wife no children no home no life.

I fought emotionally against all these things telling myself its not fair im not a child its my life, my money, i should be able to make my own decisions. Laughable now. I was behaving like a child, stamping my feet throwing a gambling tantrum everytime i didnt get my own way with everything. It wasnt my life it was addictions. It wasnt my money it was our money thats what being a family means isnt it? & i certainly wasnt capable of making my own decisions when it came to controlling my gambling.

I continued to attend GA & slowly but surely the message started to hit home. There was hope, i could change how i approached my life problems. There were people here that were doing it. They understood my emotional reactions to life, they didnt judge they just suggested there were other ways of dealing with them than escaping into the dreamworld of a spinning reel. Nearly 8 years later i still attend twice weekly & am still gamble free.

Your husband has options he just doesnt know it yet. You cant control his actions only your own. Dont enable him to gamble do not send him the message his behaviour is ok & acceptable to you. Clearly state your position & what you require from him if he wants the relationship to continue. The rest is up to him

Dan

"That is the illness, he will forget it, he will switch back to charming to get what he wants, when that stops working he will switch back to abuse again and so on and so on until the cycle gets broken."

(What an enormous head I have got, quoting myself, will make sure i address my vanity issues)

This is the vicious circle, you're dead right, he is just buttering you up, then he'll go back to abuse, then mr lovely again..... It is insanity.

We all go in circles, some are productive, repeating good advice, messages of support, we keep going here and at gam anon meetings. Every time we start from the beginning again with a newcomer, we all learn another layer, find a new depth to our understanding of this problem, find that we can articulate a bit more of the confusion we have lived in, we get a bit stronger, these are good circles. Mr gem is not in a good circle and he's hurting everyone, your instincts are right, stand your ground, he will let go of this pattern if it doesnt get him what he wants anymore.

Mr P wasnt going anywhere, even though he often said he was, he didnt have enough money to get a bus let alone another home. I used to wish there was a lost property box for people, one that I could just leave him in, like when my eldest kept putting her school shoes that she didnt like in the lost property box at school and one day someone else took them and then she didnt have the ugly shoe problem anymore (she was 8), a lost property box for people was what i needed and i didnt mind which one of us went in.

He changed went he went into recovery, but so did I. Our joke now is that hes addicted to gambling and I'm addicted to b******s and isnt it a good thing we gave up at the same time.

This is hard, be very very kind to yourself and your little ones, but especially you, enjoy every moment you can enjoy.

Thanks again everyone!

Pangolin the part about lost property made me laugh so hard! 🙂

He's been mr nice guy all day and Is keeping it up. He's given his mum his bank card etc but still refusing a councillor. He admits that his moods are going to change yet he's not willing to see anyone, he's such a cop out. He actually seems happy that he's moving out! Makes me angry that he gets to call the shots when we just get left behind with the hurt. I need to be strong because my mind track goes into thinking would it just be easier to carry on as it is, it's just so much energy and anxiety 24/7 it's almost unbearable. He's acting like we're still in a relationship almost, he truly is delusional. I can't be angry in front of the kids so I have to play the happy family card so this is obviously giving him the wrong impression. It's a no win situation at the moment. He thinks he's at rock bottom but I don't think he's there yet at all. I'm just wondering what his next avenue is going to be because at the moment he thinks moving out and a new job is the answer but I warned him he's going to crash sooner or later without any help and spiral down the same route and his answer was simply "I know".

Hi gem,

I hope you get things sorted you seem a nice person and I know this seems selfish but I never really (so far touch wood) reached the depths your partner has.I have hopefully stopped before that point.And one thing I gave learnt from GA AND ADD meetings,depression meetings is that there is always somebody in a worse position than you.So I know it's hard but try and find some positives from a seemingly negative position.I am sure you will

All the best favdoc

Hi favdoc,

There has been a turn around and he said he's ready to get help, im not sure if he's doing it as a last resort to get me back but his finances are in his mum's hands and he's really trying from what I can see. This is what makes me love him but at the same time im scared it's all going to come crashing down again. He's seeking a councillor again tomorrow so this is a step in the right direction. He is my husband and I love him more than anything I wish I could take it all away for him. Even through my anger im lost without him and miss him terribly when he's in destruction mode. I can't and won't ever fully trust him and if he doesn't seek help I won't be hanging around to watch him crash again, im not emotionally capable of that. I'm sticking at my councillor and hopefully she can help me sort my emotions because I don't want to take him back just because I miss him and im lonely. I want him to pick himself up and look after us a little.

Hi GemLou89

Watching a loved one crash and burn is definitely not easy. Only you will know when 'enough is enough'. I am glad that you are benefiting from seeing your counsellor.

You wrote..."I don't want to take him back just because I miss him and im lonely. I want him to pick himself up and look after us a little."..... I think you have nailed that. Draw a line in the sand, and stick to it. If he wants to stop gambling and thus retain his family, he will have to put the effort in. It is the only way he is going to sort himself out. Only he can do it.

Best wishes

Hi Wal1957 🙂

So far he's doing ok, his mum has his finances and if he wants anything she goes with him. He's been extra attentive and he's joining the gym as something to do/ a distraction. I'm not getting my hopes up at all but im trying to be supportive. I'm asking my councillor about him getting one when I go on wednesday so hopefully he can start one asap. My moods are still up and down but im trying not to show it im trying to be positive.

Hi GemLou89

Another sleepless night for me. Reminds me so much of how little I slept when I was gambling. 🙂

At least he is getting involved in a hobby/pastime with the gym. That is a good sign. We all have to fill in the time, gamblers especially. The less we have to do, or amuse ourselves with, the worse the urges are. I am also very pleased that his mum seems to be taking this seriously.

We all need support at some time or another, whether a gambler or not. Your support would be welcome at this time if he is genuine in his efforts. Any support that you give should be on condition of him being honest and open with you and his mum, and his seeing a counsellor and/or attending GA.

Still, it's good to see him show some positive signs.

All the best

Hi gem Lou89 good luck its a hard process doing it myself if you need support or advice I'm here

Hi Wal1957,

He has my full support as long as he sticks to his word and goes to a councillor. He's going to the gym, cooking meals and helping around the house. I more than anything want to believe he wants to change but it's not that easy. If I'm back here ranting in a few days or weeks then so be it, at least I'll know I tried!

Thankyou Chris, the same applies to you too, well done on your progress 🙂