Was it all a lie?

It cut me off - anyway, now I just can't believe everything he's said, done over last 2 yrs has been a lie? It doesn't make sense, he was so proud on his pins how could this have been fake? So now my dilemma is he thinks it's under control as I wouldn't have even known if I hadn't found the slip, and it's not effecting our finances, yet. What am I ment to do? He's the bread winner so it makes no odds me keeping my money separate as his covers virtually everything anyway. I'm devastated the last 2 yrs has been built on lies. He won't even talk to me about it at the moment, just saying it's no big deal. Our baby is due in 3 weeks and I'm now petrified I'll be bringing it up with a gambling addict, as our rudest had for first 7 years of her life. I just don't know where to turn or what to do. Am I being unreasonable as he does seem to have controlled it for 2 years and was very bad addict for nearly 40...

Not sure if I'd say it was a lie but I'm suprised he stopped attending GA when you moved. That would have been my 1st worrying sign. As to what you do now, would he attend the local GA meetings again? Would he seek counselling support via Gamcare? My concern is also for you pregnantanddeceived. Have you got support you can turn to? Perhaps give the Gamcare team a ring yourself. Counselling is available for family members as well. Be kind to yourself. I'm sure a few of the Gamcare family members will post soon but I just wanted you to know you were not alone. Tri x

I sometimes come up with the same bull about GA. The reason you continue going to GA long after your last bet is to remember what life was like with gambling in it. I got complacent and I suppose pushed the damage I had caused out of my head. I would advise you to come down on your other half like a ton of bricks for all your sakes.

I did have slight alarm bells when he stopped GA but then again not everyone wants/does go for the rest of their lives and I didn't notice any change in him. Before I'd always be able to tell when he was gambling.

The issue now is he doesn't think there's s problem as he's 'controlling' it. When he used to gamble, or should I say before I thought he'd stopped, it was extreme. He'd steal from me, pawn my jewellery, literally live in the bookies, now it hasn't effected our finances at all and i hadn't even noticed. Which is actually worse as it reinforces his thoughts that it's now under control. If I ask him to go GA firstly I know he'll say no but secondly he'll say he hasn't got a problem anymore or we'd have no money... Doesn't help that in about to have a baby with all this going on, it should be a special time not us arguing and me worrying about gambling again 🙁

Morning,

I'm so sorry to hear what's happening and the timing is rotten. Is there any RL support for you? Your parents or a trusted friend? And tell your midwife, you must put you and the children first. Gorgeous as they are, babies involve hormones and hard work, help and support for you is essential. GamAnon have on line meetings on Sunday's; the real thing is better when you can get there. And do use the GC helpline.

Of course it matters that he's gambling (again?)! Only an addict in denial would say otherwise, because that justifies it, allows it to continue. And any addict in denial will tell you that you're fussing for nothing, of course you're not. It is possible that he lied all along or at least for a while, to you, to GA. All lose from this but most of all he loses from lying to himself.

Unchecked, addiction is always progressive. The GA advice is that gambling is an illness that can be arrested but never cured. Abstinence is essential; for alcoholics, one drink is too many because one thousand is never enough. For gamblers, they can't win because they can't stop, one bet leads to the next, greater frequency and amounts, the net outflow of losses becomes unsustainable. There is no such thing as a compulsive gambler having controlled bets because there is no possibility of control. Therefore the first bet is the one to avoid. Whilst gambling is arrested, you can live a normal life (without gambling) but recovery does take ongoing maintenance, usually achieved via continuing barriers and meetings. My own view is that there are two elements to recovery, abstinence plus a good hard look at self to see what using was giving you, why you need it and less harmful ways of meeting the same need. I think the Twelve Steps are the best way of achieving it but it's hard work.

Did he ever hand over financial control? Install blockers? Self exclude from as many bookies as possible? Handing over financial control is a vital tool for my husband. No money, no gamble. And if you haven't seen his statements, how do you know the true state of your finances?

It's harder because you're dependent on him but not impossible. It still comes back to what you're prepared to tolerate and ultimately, whether you're prepared to let him drag you down. Not decisions for today, focus on getting real life help and support for you.

Take care,

CW

I've always had control of the finances and his wages go directly into my bank. However he takes money to work for lunch etc, not much only few quid but he just have been gambling with this as there's nothing else 'missing'. It feels harder this time as I truly believed he'd stopped, all the signals and tell tales were gone. Even his attitude towards money was somewhat normal. I just feel confused more than anything, how it can all be a lie. More though, how to make him see it's still an issue although it's not technically effecting our finances ( that's how he gaged level of the problem, or has done previously anyway as he was spending every penny we had). I just can't work out how all the things he's said over the last 2 yrs weren't genuine, I know gambling addicts are good liars but the previous 10 yrs I've always known when he was lying, not this time. It has taken me by such huge surprise. Now I feel like a mug for believing he had changed. I don't have anyone to talk to as I've burnt those bridges long ago with his gambling. Doesn't help this last 2 yrs I've been singing his praises st every opportunity to family and friends about how well he's doing! The worst part is everything has actually been ok - now I know of course I know it's only a matter of time until things spiral again but I don't think he sees that. He just thinks he's got it under control - must have for me not even knowing/realising for 2yrs. How do I tell him why it's still a problem even though it's not technically effected us in any way since he 'stopped'?

Hi,

I'd get credit reports in your name and his from all three agencies to check about unknown debt.

If you have financial control and he's gambling his lunch money, there's not much else you can do. I've heard it likened to chasing mice, it's chaotic for the cat to run round the house after the mice but the real solution requires pest control at source, to block off where the mice are getting in. The answer lies with him overcoming his addiction, going to meetings and overcoming the thought process that tells him it doesn't matter if he gambles and lies to you and him about it.

You can't blame yourself, a determined CG can be very cunning. It's devastating for you but do tell the family, their support is more important than any embarrassment. Ultimately, it's hard choices about what to put up with. In the short term, look after you.

Take care,

CW

No idea why "embarrassment" has been vetoed! Support is more important than the risk of losing face.

Take care.

Hi

Im the mum of a compulsive gambler.

Im sorry to see you're having such a hard time, and as Cynical Wife said the timing is awful.

You say you feel you're a mug, you're definetly not but it does make you feel like that when you think how on earth didnt I know. I used to say I could read my son very well, I knew when he was lying or up to something, I thought he couldnt get much past me any more. Its a hell of shock when you relise how deceitful they've been.

All this proves is just how manipulating and calculating a cg can be they are very good liars and go to great lengths to hide what they're up to. It doesnt mean you've failed he's just got better at hiding it.

Chasing mice its a perfect description , we went to great lengths to hide things, to the point where when we bought new bedroom furniture we had to make sure there was a way of locking it so my son couldnt get in. Who on earth goes into a furniture shop with this as their first thought when choosing wardrobes - we did.

As for your husband spending his lunch money, thats up to him if he decides to go hungry, Ive had the "so you'll let your son go hungry speech". I gave in and gave him the money but as always it never went on a sandwich it was for gambling.

You will never be able to reason with a cg in denial, in their heads they can justify anything and will never see your point of view. This must be about looking after yourself and children even more so than ever at this moment.

I really wouldnt worry about losing face and any idea's of embarassment, its about doing what ever you need to do to look after you. You havent done anything wrong, this is entirely your husbands doing, and Id say you're family and friends will be far more supportive than you think. I thought there was no way I could speak to my family when my son finally left, but they've been great and Im sure so will yours. Call Gamcare, I have lots of times and each time they've been great. I think you should tell your midwife, her job is to look after you and your baby and your mental health is part of that, she'll be far more supportive than you think.

This must be about you, take care.