14 days and counting, don’t know how to tell my wife.

Hi Lazy Lunch

Firstly well done on 15 days. When you tell her it's a good point to mention and the hardest two weeks to get through. We all face that hand grenade moment and some suprise us and some don't. For me, I couldn't see anyway forward and the support I needed without completely emptying the dustbin. When you tell her, I would suggest telling the truth, not your version of the truth or want you think she wants to hear mate 

@lp5vut869c hi Stuart. Thanks for your words. It has been hard these past two weeks. Gambling had become as much a part of my daily routine as showering and breaking that cycle has been difficult. I fully intend on telling her everything, the problem is I feel selfish if I tell her when she’s already struggling. I’m worried it would tip her over the edge and really damage her mental health. However, time is running out as I’ve already started getting letters from creditors regarding arrears and defaults as a result of the dmp. It’s only a matter of time before she asks me about them. The number of times she’s caught me staring blankly into space and when she’s asked if I’m ok I’ve snapped out of it and assured everything’s fine when all I want to do is break down and tell her right there and then.

Hi,

As a wife of a gambler who kept it from me for a really long time, please tell her. He had the same excuses, I wasn't in a good place, he was worried about my mental health etc, but I would rather have known. There is a lot of support for affected others through Gamcare so make sure once you've told her, she accesses it. Being kept in the dark doesn't prevent the hurt, it postpones it and adds to it. I promise you, she would rather know and be able to help, than have you lying to her. Good luck.

I’ve decided that today’s the day. When I get home from work I’m going to tell her. Absolutely bricking it. I’ve played it out thousands of times in my head and I still don’t know how to start the discussion and every time in my imagination she reacts differently. This could either end our relationship or save it. 

wish me luck. 

Hi Lazy Lunch

I do love your username by the way. 

There is no right way to do it but I'm so glad you have come to your decision. From a point of view of not doing it completely right, there is only one truth so just be honest. Tell her how you feel. Tell her how you have struggled. In time signpost her if she wants to learn about the illness and where she can get help for herself. Ask for support but the most important thing is to clear your dustbin. Tell the whole truth, not what you think she wants to hear, not part of the truth. Anything that comes out later will be ten times worse.

Hi,

well done for you 15 days gamble free.

i totally understand you situation, I can remember the day I told my wife that I have relapsed again and had built up a considerable about of debt.

i had taken my son to a bike park with his friends and was just sat there going through it in my head constantly.

i literally got home and sat her down and told her. No waiting around just did it. She told me deep down she knew something was up. 

I have to say she was amazing, she needed time to process everything, then we sat down looked at finances and then seeked the help I needed.

You will probably feel terrible at first but then the release you get because you aren’t hiding anything and keeping secrets, will hopefully drive you to overcome this illness and never gamble again. 

im now 10 months GF and my life has done a complete 180, I’ve moved house, have things planned for the future with my family.

Good luck and enjoy Norfolk, (I’m a local lad)

Well, I’ve told her. Everything. 

Lots of tears. I still don’t know whats going to happen. She took it completely differently than I had imagined, she was very pragmatic and was concerned about finances, so I think she’s prioritising that maybe to stop her thinking about the deception. 

she’s gone to see her dad, who also a happens to be a financial planner, she asked if I wanted to come with her and I just couldn’t face telling somebody else. Especially somebody who I respect so much. He will be so disappointed and she’s still his little girl so I’m not sure what our relationship will be like going forward if my wife decides to stay with me.

All I can do is hope now. Will keep you posted.  

Hi Lazy Lunch

Alongside hope, all you can do is not go back into the fog. Stay gamble free, bite your tongue and be there for her. 

@lp5vut869c unfortunately I think it’s over. She’s has made it clear that she will never trust me enough to get a mortgage with me, that she feels like I tricked her into marriage and she would have never had kids with me if she knew what I was doing. That was hard to hear. She wants to go over finances tomorrow but I feel deep down like the love is gone and I’ll only be kept around because we have small children. All I can do is keep going one day at a time now.

Hiya

I'm sorry but no one knows the future as you know. My partner was the same and it's still tough now. Over the last 176 days I've been kicked out three times and gone for long walks if you know what I mean 3 times as well. Just hang in there. Stay gamble free and try every day to be a good person. Trust can be got back and so can forgiveness. If you don't know the serenity prayer it might help you to look it up and see if it makes sense to you. It's an exceptional way of thinking. 

Mate i am really sorry to hear your situation i was in a similar boat as my family never accepted as an addiction if u can get her to join this website it could help in understanding the addiction better the main thing u have done the right thing from the other perspective it hard to understand u have to do it for yourself who knows with time things can change i wish u well👍

@o5i3sre2tw hi, really sorry to read all these posts, but please feel some sort of relief that you were completely honest with her. 

I gambled for 5 years, took out huge amount of debt in my husband’s name without him knowing. When I say huge, I mean tens of thousands of pounds. 3 years ago in July I hit rock bottom, within a couple of days I was being faced with 6 loan payments and 3 credit card payments with no money to pay them, he was going to find out. So, I told him everything. One of worst things I had to do but suddenly my shoulders dropped so much. 

You’ve done the right thing and hopefully in time she’ll find it in herself to support you. It’s all so raw at the moment. Just be kind to yourself, this is a very nasty illness you’ve been battling. 

Take care, 

Claire x

In my post I try to say that moving caused my gambling to go out of control. That’s not true. In truth my gambling was going one way and one way only. Covid gave me a chance to reset and I did, but the second lockdown finished I was back at it. It’s not fair of me to say that moving to Norfolk was the catalyst, it didn’t help, but I can’t use it as a twisted excuse in an attempt to justify my actions. I did move to support my wife and I did struggle but I can’t sit here and say everything would have been peachy if we had stayed. I can’t be honest to other people if I can’t even be honest to myself. That starts now.