A year since I lost everything

I have not written on here for a long time following the 3rd start of my recovery programme but I felt I should write again. I'm not really sure what I am looking for from this, whether it be guidance or reassurance that I can pick myself up again, but I feel I share my feelings better written down than I could ever say.

For the most of the year, I have been pretty good, with the occasional slip up here and there and whenever I have slipped it has only been with the money in my pocket and not further pay day loans/money which will need to be paid back. This to an outsider might appear to be "responsible gambling" (we all know we can never do that) and I have also confessed all to the ex so she knows that I have made mistakes too.

Me and my ex wife have a very strange relationship, to outsiders, and we still appear to be best friends (whether this is purely down to our 3 children, or whether we actually care for each other still only she can answer, I know how I feel about her...). I always feel like I can ask her for help at any time, and she was the last person I could trust to help me (my brother encourages gambling and is constantly talking about it, 2 of my good friends are always playign fruit machines in the pub and my best mate has his own gambling issues!), and I have always harboured thoughts/hopes of us one day getting back together. This weekend though that all changed.

She is away with the children for the weekend, so I asked her if I could go round and do some washing while she was gone (I currently have no real home, sleeping in my dad's bungalow some nights, at my brothers some nights, on friends sofas and until it died last week in the car on occasions!) so have very limited access to a washing machine, and no money to use a laundrette. She said no to this request as she didn't feel comfortable with it, and this has really got to me. I only wanted to go in, use the washing machine, hang it our to dry and wait but no, I am not allowed to do that.

This has lead me to start to truely believe now that I am completely alone in this ongoing battle. I feel like there is no one for me to turn to and ask for help in even the simplist of things, like doing my washing so I have no idea where to turn too next.

I cannot get a place of my own renting privately as my gambling and pay day loan completely destroyed my credit rating, and when I approach my local housing association I am not eligable for any help from them as I earn too much (althought I work from home, so don't actually have anywhere to work from so end up working in the pub most days!!).

As I am writing this, I am thinking that maybe I just needed to rant out about things, so I thank anyone who has taken the time to read this long a***d piece.