Bad week, bad night.

Where to begin. Six months ago I had never played on a pokies machine in my life, my friend came round to visit and mentioned that our friend had won $100,000 on online pokies. The second those words registered in my ears I wish she hadn't told me. I knew it wouldn't be good, I have an extremely addictive personality. One week later she had won $2,000 on a $40 deposit. Between then and now I've been enjoying immersing myself in escapism via pokies, just hours upon hours of mindlessly clicking away never winning that much, placing mostly 50c bets. Then one day I discover my game, $3 a spin.. it was like crack to me. Ever since then, I just deposit hundreds of dollars in until I get the bonus feature. Usually I win a lot of it back, but I absolutely knew that the day would come where I would be in the hole. At some point I realised it wasn't even about winning money, just the thrill of that f***g bonus triggering.

Cut to this week, I had an argument with my partner and was depressed and was at home crying for 3 days. One afternoon when it was bad I just sat there like a zombie depositing hundred after hundred dollars playing this game, completely out of control - telling myself I didn't care but making myself worse. When I finally stopped I was $930 down. This is a lot of money for me. I cried, sobbed, and couldn't believe what I had done. I never would have forseen myself to have a gambling problem.. drinking, drugs yes sure but not gambling. I ended up watching a video that really helped of a guy talking about quitting, that you really need to resolve to quit. So basically I realised that I was fed up with it and that the emotional ups and downs were making me feel sick and wanted to quit.

I lasted 3 days, until tonight. I was feeling so much better, it was nice to feel in control again of my money. Had a nice day with my partner, then as soon as he went home I fooled myself into thinking.. okay I'll just put $40 on for something to do. The first few games, I wasn't even enjoying it... felt very put off by it still. I had a good opportunity to stop right there but I didn't. Then when my $40 was gone I cannot even tell you what happened. Half an hour later I had gambled away $475 on my old fave game. Then had a full on emotional breakdown as I'm sure you've all experienced. I found it nearly impossible to stop myself from going back and putting more on but I didn't go back.

Reading other peoples stories on here has helped put things into perspective so much. I realise I'm only 6 months or so into this ugly addiction and I really want this to be my rock bottom. I know that if I had won my money back I'd be losing it again (and more) in no time. I could keep doing this for 20 years if I don't stop now and have nothing to show for it but a bunch of turmoil and debt and wasted time. If anything the emotional ups and downs are so exhausting that I feel completely drained mentally. I'm not sure what exactly I'm going to do but I want to eliminate this c**P from my life entirely. I've just been dying to get this all out and tell someone, such a relief to find this place.