I seriously need some help.....

Hi W7023,

If you had a life changing illness that would soon kill you, would you tell your girlfriend? or not want to stress her out? would you worry about your self esteem and just pretend nothing is happeing. Or would you go see a doctor and get the help you need?

Like it or not you have a disease, you are most certainly a compulsive gambler. Like all compulsive gamblers we struggle to really admit we have a problem. We tell ourselves we can control it and will be diciplined from now on, we remeber the big wins we have had and this helps convince us we can win all our losses back. But it is an illusion, the only way is down once we are gambling. You have a good job so can meet your finacial commitments so can justify it in your mind, but think of all the time and money you have wasted on this addiction. Time and money you could have spent improving your relationships and future.

The fact you are on here at all at least shows you know you have a problem, now is the time to tackle it. It is not an easy road ahead but you will be a better person for it, believe me. To really tackle it, you have to get as much support as you can. We all think we can do it ourselves with determination and will power but although we start this way with good intentions its si destined to fail. Get to a GA meeting asap is what you should do first, there you will meet other Compulsive gamblers, be brutally honest with them and yourself.

I wish you all the best tackling your gambling addiction, its not easy, but then again none of the things worth while in this life are.

You're not good at it though, are you? There's no such thing as a professional gambler or even a skilled one. However much 'research' you do you are betting on random outcomes. Do it long term and the end result is always the same. Poor bookies don't exist for a reason.

You can't continue with 'discipline' because you've crossed the line into addiction. Best advice is to put every practical barrier you can in place starting with telling your girlfriend and giving her control of your finances then sign up for counselling (Gamcare offer free sessions) and get to GA. You need to identify and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion.

Hi W7023,

Welcome to the forum, and well done for sharing your story with us.

I hope by so doing, you’ll come to terms with your gambling problem, and perhaps seek professional help from Gamcare.

You seemed to be struggling with your gambling problem for some time but, you somehow manage to stay above the waters because of your good job and pay. Even with that prospects, gambling problem gets worse if you don’t do anything about it, and it can easily get out of control,

Posting into the forum is a step in the right direction; and I’ll encourage you to try and post as often as you can.

I’ll advise you to try and contact us on our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and find out from an adviser about what other options are available to help with your recovery. Our services run everyday from 8.00am to midnight.

Maybe you’d also like to install one of our recommended blocking software to stop you from accessing gambling sites. You can also request for some counselling support if that would help you to cope better, and to make sense of your gambling issues.

Once you find out what your triggers are, then you can apply some of our strategies to help you to manage your problematic gambling, and maybe stop, if that is what you want.

Our forum members are also very supportive, and I noticed you’ve got some response from some members already.

Meanwhile, try and distract yourself with other activities/ hobbies to help you to keep your anxiety for tennis betting at bay.

Thanks again for your post, and please keep going!

Best wishes,

Beatrice

Thanks guys. To be brutally honest I've just been replaying the bad losses ,they are few but they were massive which makes it even harder to take. The thing is I'm being really honest and can remember at least 3 occasions where I had a big bet on, I switched it up and it worked , as in I didn't lose anything and make a small profit....I am now thinking these obviously could have gone wrong as well.....your right even though it's sport and there is skill in comes quite clearly the best players lose from time to time and there is no value whenever they play someone poor so your on a hiding to nothing. I am so worried about my financial situation as I am obviously now 32k on credit cards yet only 10k I the bank.... but I do realise I'm in a privalidged situation with a well earning job and a lot of equity in another house which I must sell by April 19 anyway....it doesn't make it any worse to take though . To be honest on the triggers it's the thril of being able to win money back , I had about 1000 in an account for a year until this January.....which was in control making only small bets...then I lost the lot when away on a weekend, to recover I stupidly thought I'd make one big bet on Arsenal v stoke I think in the fa cup , put 3k to be under 4.5 goals.....it ended up being 5-0 to Arsenal....I then won all but 1k back that night but then the chase began and here I am now. I guess it all starts in similar ways for a lot of us . The thing is now is to try and get my head round it. I haven't gambled at all today, which has meant looking at my phone a lot less which my girlfriend always complained about. I still feel sick but have made a financial plan to be level by next august saving 2k a month which shouldn't make too many impacts on day to day life just no big purchases. I see what you are saying about telling my girlfriend and friends but I know me and I know how much damage it will do , far more than the benefits. People will just think I'm a bit of a loser as I've always been sooo Good with money, I love a spreadsheet and always know exactly how much / what I have at any point. I will however contact Aquarius which was recommended as Coincilling in my home town I guess that's the first proper step. I have sat back and realised how much time I've wasted and how much I've not "been there" in coversations with friends and family, that is precious time lost. Did anyone else start to Realise that when you loon back. Although I obviously love the buzz it's a lonely lonely life isn't it, remember staying up to all hours and just staring at tennis matches not even being able to watch them and praying for a chance to lay off the bets I'd made!! Doe anyone remember the first few days after stopping and hating themselves and being really down ????

Pps when you go to buy stuff as simple as drinks in a bar etc I keep thinking how much I've cost myself and how I don't want to waste money because of what I've done . Anyone else think like that, it's like anything I now spend on stuff I should just be saving to help get the money back

Hi I imagine my husband must have been on the same rollercoaster you're on. Golf through the night, tennis, football. It could be anything. Someone said on here yesterday 'you should treat your partner with respect and tell her' she probably thinks that's what you're doing. You've said she's no fool. Unfortunately when you don't want to tell people close to you it's an excuse, the addict talking. 32k on credit cards plus interest! You may well have a house but if you don't quit now I doubt you will. How will you feel selling it to pay gambling debts when you bought it as investment. Go to GA when you get back. Good luck!

i'm ok Jack - I still have access to funds so I don't need to tell anyone, I don't need real help, I can cope in secret, I have been completely out of control, racking up debts all over the place, yet I will now control this overnight, I definitely wont spend any more of the equity in my house

only it never works like that

I hope I'm still gamble free, im only early stages so far but I hope im still GF when you come back to say that the equity has gone as well. It's exactly where you are heading.

I'm a CG. My mind is racing with all the thoughts I've had over 20+ years where I've convinced myself witht he same thoughts you have said above.

All the excuses, the reasons.

I'm 40, don't own my own house, cant afford to move and have years of debt to still repay

Hi guys. Thanks for the replies again. Sorry I prob should have explained a bit better My situation isn't as bad as it sounds. The 32k I have on about 4 credit cards is all totally interest free the first, I have keep them cause it's a free way of borrowing previously that I have then just balance transferred when the interest period ends . ....I had then done this to keep cash in the bank to make interest on before this issue. As of now I also have 10k available in current account

The equity I have (100k) is in a second house I own that I l now rent out. me And my partner moved to a new house we brought together in December last year . Hence when I sell the second house in a year or so (which I have to do to recover 11k of stamp duty the govt charged me extra for keeping it) it will release the circa 100k. This is my aim to suck up the deficit I currently have then put this all into savings...it just means I'll have a bit less now. All my decisions previously have been pretty financially sound hence the ok position. I'm so annoyed and angry at myself for doing this to jeapodise that!!! It's why I want to stop now and ensure it doesn't get any more out of hand so that I can recover this. I was 36 2 days ago and I guess time to grow up. I want to get married and have kids in the next few years and don't wa t to ruin that!! I'm trying to come to terms with the losses in my mind and not overthinking the big ones and the Stupid rash decisions I made that cost soo much. Does anyone have any coping methods they use ?? Thanks for the support to date it's really helpful to hear from like minded people on this never been in this position before at all. Thinking back the biggest loss is time as well and not engaging with people when they are speaking...you miss so much cause your mind is always elsewhere , anyone else get that as well !!??

Ps I will contact ga when I get back cause I'm not nieve enough to think I can do this alone...I just don't want to put it on my partners shoulders to deal with as it's not fair. It's me that got me in this situation it's me that needs to deal with it. I haven't had the urge to deposit another load and try again and I don't keep thinking about the big wins just the horrific losses that happened where I had the option to cash out and take a small loss but stayed in and lost , it makes me sick and I'm hoping that's the catalyst I need ror recovery

You are a compulsive gambler. It doesn't matter how much you earn, how much equity you have, whether your CC's are interest free... sooner or later you will have zero. That is the nature of addiction.

This is never a quick fix (even with GA) and your partner deserves the respect of your honesty.

Cathy

Thanks Cathy. I totally get your comments and I agree I think this gets people whether they earn a lot or nothing , I have heard stories of people earning hundreds of thousands and still having the same issue. However I don't see the point of putting more stuff on her shoulders when she is already stressed with work and doing a PhD , I don't see that as fair on her when it's my problem I got into and to sort out , and to ensure I save back the 2k a month that is possible to get back to level by next august. She has her own money from her last house sale before we brought ours and I have mine seperate. We just have a joint account we add money to for bills. I have to sort this out with the help of GA and some Coincilling that the lady recommended with Aquarius . Has anyone used thy service before is it a good service ? I'm 2 days in and already not on my phone all the time checking bets and although I'm anxious and worried about stuff but still a lot less stressed than I was starting at a phone and hoping. The big test will be when I get home and speak to the Counciller I am aware this is something that doesn't go away and needs a lot of work. Does anyone have anything they do when they want to put a bet on to stop the urge ???

Hi yes we've heard it all before. I'm wife of cg and everyone lied to me too. I hate them for taking away my choice. Plus it will help you stop, it is part of recovery to be honest. Your relationship is based on lies and you're worrying about your self esteem, what about hers? This won't go away, this is for life. Your gf has every right to know if you are financially involved in a house together. You ask for help and advice, then make excuses. We are telling you to help you.

w7023 - I shall refrain from posting on here after this as I don't think you want to hear it/ think you are doing the right thing by your other half and I couldn't disagree more. I do just want to say though that I don't think any of those suggesting you should tell her are saying that so that she sorts out your mess. You are quite right, it is your mess and you need to sort out the finances and your addiction.

It's more that your relationship is currently built on lies which can't ever be a good thing.

A great post on f&f by Alan asking for feedback from f&f members and the response was pretty clear, all were hurting from the financial mess they found/uncovered/got told about and most had a level of debt to go with that BUT the most damage was the lies, the deceipt, the dishonesty.

Anyway, all our journeys are unique and we ultimately have to make our own choices and hope that we make better ones than we used to as active gamblers

I wish you all the best whatever you do and I hope you find a way of controlling your addiciton

regards

Hi Mate..I do need understanding your situation as it's hard to tell your loved ones about the Gambling..it can only be your decision. I did not tell my family or wife ssvthis would break her heart as coming from a poor background. However my urges have totally gone. My coping strategies are to focus on something positive. Like getting fit and joining a gym..very good streets releiver. I've also downloaded some old school games such as Connect Four on your phone to keep me entertained. This will get better..I had borrowed 30K to play online roulette which I lost..now will take me 5 years to pay off. Keep up the Gambling Free days.

I have so much in common with you,,,,I have been a fool,,I have a beautiful girlfriend 2 beautiful kids and I've messed up big time gambled since I was a kid but in the last 2 years I've gone from having 10 grand in savings a property with a lot of equity to being 20 grand in debt,,,the feeling of guilt I wake up with everyday is unbearable is getting me down big time,,my girlfriend hasn't got a clue about anything,,and I can see where your coming from trying to deal with it without her ever finding out I also earn decent money and might just scrape through this without her finding out, still own a a rental property and on paper I'm ok for money but gambling is getting on top I can't stop,, I always knew I couldn't be trusted with apps but 2 years ago I got one and I estimate I've lost 50 k since,,I'm in deep need to stop now !!!!!

Thanks again for all your responses. I do get how people would say it's the right thing to tell her but we are only linked to our main house, and i don't have any other loans / debt with her. Also I may have not explained that well , but my main reason for not telling her is the stress it will cause her which she doesn't need right now with her PhD and about to start new term at uni, not because I'm ashamed to admit it.. My situation isn't great but it could be a lot worse , I can be totally debt free in 7 months saving 2k a month and selling a few guitars etcI'm not sat here with the itch to gamble, just sick at the lost money and what could havebeen done with it. I still have 100k in my rental house that is mine so I suppose there are savings there for my future still for wedding/kids eventually.

Raj and Jamia its very comforting to know there are people in very similar situations .

Raj how much were you in debt if you don't mind me asking? I know it's all relative but interesting to know how you've coped. Did your family ever suspect anything ? Positive coping mechanisms sounds a great idea, I'm a solo acoustic artist in my spare time playing gigs in town etc, I've let that slip so I suppose I should refocus on that ! Plus the gigs pay ok so would help with the Repaving, have you gambled since / how longs it been ? I bet you feel much better for it?.

Jamia9 really sorry to here that mate again it's comforting to know your not alone in this and I feel your pain!!! What were you playing sports / roulette etc . I don't have any kids myself yet but I guess if I was in your situ I would be thinking about the lost time with them which would hopefully make me stop as well as the money. I keep thinking how disengaged I've been with friends, my family when I've see them, my GF, and even at work ! Looking back I've spent hours In my day gambling , even during meetings, I run a sales team and the product bit comes quite easy to me hence I've tried to combine the two. What a joke though, that's the job that will help get me out of this. Does that ring any bells with you. ???

Did everyone hit a point of realisation ? Something that triggered them to say enoughs enough ? I'm hoping that's what hit me the other day , in my deluded brain when I was at -18k I went 3 months where I won back 2k better smaller , and for some reason I was comfortable with that and fairly happy !! Im guessing thats because at the time things appeared to be going well.... and I was comfortable financially....that doesn't take away from the stack of time and focus I spent doing it though I guess and your always that one or two bets away from disaster..