Whilst I have been here so many times before, this time it HAS to change, otherwise I will end up losing everybody around me & find myself in an early grave. Sounds abit dramatic but that's exactly how I feel, I can't carry on like this.
I have tried to stop numerous times before, sometimes for many months... But the empty heavy feeling that I'm full of being lost in life & in myself.
Something that is spose to be entertainment has taken control of me, chipping away & taking a gradual bit of me every time I choose to gamble.
I can't believe that my family are going through this again.. I can't keep hurting them in the way I do. Everytime my mum picks me up, dusts me down & sets me back on the path. This time & one day at a time I have goto stay on this path.
I have thought about many ways to escape from this, not wanting to carry on & not to feel this way, & whilst it seems like an option for a spilt second, I couldn't do that to the people that love me. I then ask myself "shall I disappear" & this does seem like an option.
Well enough of my ramblings, probably doesn't make any sense anyway.
Hi Mark,
You make perfect sense I know the feeling of absolute despair and wanting just to get away from it all. This addiction makes most of us feel empty and desperate at times. One of the early things I learnt in recovery was how low my self- esteem was and that loosing loads of money in a machine or online convinced me even more how "bad" I was.
A very important thing for you to find out is why you are escaping with gambling. This will assist you when urges start to creep in and then find something healthy to distract yourself with.
Speak to your mum she sounds like a caring lady who wants to see her son take responsibility and kick this addiction. Perhaps she can keep your money and cards for you during the initial stages as I can honestly say this really helps.
I am sure right now you feel like absolute rubbish but if you think about this feeling every time you are tempted then it can help to motivate you. Reading other peoples diaries and threads on this site can also help to motivate you too.
I can also recommend speaking to one of the gamcare advisors. This was a tremendous help to me and initially stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life.
Finally the parisitic nature of this addiction thrives on lonliness, when you are feeling alone come this site there are many friends who can support you and help to pull you along.
Take care,
Amanda
Hello Amanda, Thank you so much for your kind words, you do make perfect sense & understand how I feel.
At the moment it seems like a dark cloud that is following me everywhere, it's there when I go to bed, in the middle of the night & then when I wake up in the morning. The highs are amazing, but these lows are soul destroying.
I've been to counselling for my gambling, but find it hard to talk & get my thoughts together getting anxious which then in turn makes me want to gamble. My mum has been brilliant, she has taken my cards & looks after my money, but I still find a way. Requesting additional cards & going into the bank & getting money over the counter.
I feel like such a loser in life & as a positive person I don't want to be a gambling addict, I wonder why can be so strong in other aspects of my life, but not where gambling is concerned.
Hi Mark,
You are not a loser just an imperfect human who makes mistakes. Unfortunately this addiction entices all sorts of people there are no stereo types.
You will only start to kick this habit, once you can commit to change. You will then find what works for you to assist you in not going there.
However bad things are I can rest assure you they will only deteriorate if you continue on this path of destruction that I will guarantee. At the moment there are still highs and lows, imagine being down to your last pound winning 2000 in one hit and feeling absolutely nothing. That's were it all ends, up feeling nothing not even for wining.
Cherish everyday gamble free as this is a great achievement and not to be down played. Bad things happen to us all and gambling excessively only makes us feel worse. You can be strong and fight this addiction everyone of us here has fought hard to get there you will too, just don't give up.
Take care,
Amanda
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