Dumped by a gambler

Dear Annon, 

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship ending, that can be really difficult to navigate and process. There's always support here for you and your ex partner, he just needs to be ready to reach out for it.

Please do make sure you are looking after yourself through this, it's important you are protecting yourself emotionally. If you are struggling with sleeping and eating, it may be good to reach out to your GP too for some additional support for yourself. 

You can reach out to us on the helpline on 0808 8020 133 or via our live chat if you'd like some further support from us too. 

Best wishes, 

Holly

Forum Admin

Hi Annon,

How are things going now several days on from your post?

My name is Hannah and I volunteer for GamCare as a peer supporter because I supported my husband through gambling harms. My husband often pushed me away and we did live separately for a few months, so I do have some experience of this situation.

I do in my own opinion, find it not unusual for someone in the grips of gambling to act in the way you have described but the trouble is that different people have different motivations for those actions. 

I think at the time of writing your post, you maybe wanted to hear that this is normal, that he would come back and maybe some success stories of people who did in fact come back. Whilst my husband and I did work things out and he has been gambling free for 5 years, it cant possibly be known what is going through your ex partners mind. All I can say is that in answer to your question, yes there is a way back, but it highly depends on what it is that he really wants. I think the best thing you can do right now is practice self care and find ways to keep yourself distracted. Work on yourself and work through your emotions.

If he is genuine in what he is saying and really does need to be by himself to sort himself out, then it may be wise to respect his wishes and allow him to do what he feels he needs to do to get better. Whilst he is going through a hard time, please don't forget that you yourself have been experiencing gambling harms as a result of this and it wouldn't at all be unreasonable for you to seek support. Each time we forgive something, we invest a part of ourselves in them. You likely poured a lot of trust, love and forgiveness into that relationship and it is only natural to feel devastated at its loss. I myself was unable to eat for a while. I personally felt like my husband was saying that everything that I had poured into the relationship was meaningless and unappreciated. I felt like everything id invested had been thrown back in my face. I guess I even felt a bit used and thrown away, like I wasn't good enough for him to choose me over his habits. I of course don't feel the same now and I know that that was not the case, he was unwell. It is important for you to know that this is not your fault, and you couldn't have done anything more or been anything more. Any ex gambler in this forum will likely tell you that they will only stop when they themselves are ready and not a moment sooner.  If you are struggling, then please don't do so in silence and do reach out for help to the GamCare helpline as Holly said. Also, regarding Holly's suggestion of reaching out to your GP, I did this and it was really helpful. They signed me off work for 6 weeks and offered me medications to settle my stomach. They offered some other stuff that I declined. So, it was really helpful for me personally. If you need any support but don't feel able to call the helpline please reach back out here. You could also use live chat which would be much quicker. You can also be signposted to services you may need such as financial help, mental health support etc. 

Take care and if you want to ask me any questions about my own experience then you are very welcome to do so.

Hannah

Volunteer GamCare Online Peer Supporter

@r8mwut7y5e thank you for your reply , he has messaged today after 5 days of ignoring me saying he’s just not ready for a relationship and needs to sort his head and gambling / debts out I feel like 7/8 month down the line he could of decided this sooner, he also then said he is willing to meet up and would leave that up to me so am slightly confused,  I have seen the doctor and am going week by week with a sick note , am feeling slightly better but unfortunately am still shutting myself away from people . I get that this wasn’t a long relationship compared to others but it was long enough for me to fall for him

@hajgof3d79 Hi Annon,
your response is natural I would also be devastated, but it kind of seems like you are taking some blame yourself? Maybe I am wrong and your reaction is purely from sadness. But you are definatelly not at fault here. It seems he has been struggling with gambling for a longer time since he already knows and has decided he doesnt want to be in a relationship while gambling and also knows isolation helps him. If he needed help from you he could have come clean sooner or ask you to monitor his actions more.

I actually had the same thoughts not to date anyone while I was deep into gambling, so I can tell you why I was doing it and maybe it can help you understand a little.. I personally was doing it to protect the other side, because I knew i wouldnt be doing nearly enough to have a great relationship. Other thing is I didnt want to share that i am gambling and deal with it with another human who is close to me, its so shameful to be in that situation and you feel like a failure, even worse when he relapsed after longer time... so if I was in a relationship I would have to pretend everything is OK and that would be even harder than just being honest or not having a relationship.

It is a very hard to stop gambling and mainly hard to keep it up gamble free. He may lie to you again, he may manipulate, he might fake some things, living and having a relationship with a gambling addict is fragile, since they can get irritated fast and might be impulsive.
So please keep that in mind, to sum it up :
1. I think he wants to protect you, if he is calling back already dont fall for it he 100% needs more time.
2. Living with a gambler is not easy
3. Its not your fault

@mark7 thank you for your reply , I hope your good, we spoke yesterday and he said he’s happy been single untill he sorts his head out which makes sense as he doesn’t need to lie to people that he’s got no money left on Payday, am taking one day at a time and who knows in the future what could happen but your right I blame myself for everything even tho I would help him any way I could.  

@hajgof3d79 

Hi again Annon,

I hope in the days that have passed since your last post, that things are in some way feeling slightly better and you can at least eat now.

Hmmm, if meeting up means like a casual relationship or friends, then do you think this might impact your own emotional health and recovery or not? Especially if you are really wanting more than that. Maybe I have all of that wrong and i'm just being over cautious. You are the expert in your own life more than anyone else and I am sure you know what is best. 

I think you have done so well in managing to get yourself through a doctors appointment while all of this has been whirling around in your head. It's brilliant to hear that you are getting the recovery time that you need. You are showing tremendous strength in such seemingly small things, even if you don't recognise this yourself.

You don't need to minimise your experience simply because it was a 7/8 month relationship. The depth of pain isn't measured by time. Your nervous system doesn't care whether it was 7 months or 7 years, all it knows is that something important to you has gone and it is completely valid and human to be as you have been and to need time to recover. 

My first reaction to hearing that you have still been shutting yourself away, was that of concern for you but then when I had thought on it, I guess that maybe this might be what your body needs right now, like a bit of a hibernation period. As long as you are OK. How are you feeling now and how are you managing?

Hannah

Volunteer GamCare Online Peer Supporter

@r8mwut7y5e hi , it’s getting slightly easier I’ve not spoke to him in 6 days now , but I’d still love to help him and start over but I can’t make him if he won’t accept it , I’ve accepted that fact . I hope hope in the near future he gets in touch and asks for help.

@hajgof3d79 Its good to hear that you are starting to feel a little better. I hope that everything works out, that he can get better and you can find some happiness again be it together or apart. GamCare staff, myself, the other volunteers, and everyone in the forum are of course always here if you need to talk either now or further down the line. I don't know if you know but there is a chatroom for affected friends and family of those with gambling problems. You can take a look at the schedule under the chatrooms tab. I think it is on `Tuesdays but may be wrong. There is also the email peer support service where you are buddied up with a volunteer and you can talk your thoughts and feelings through. You stick with the same volunteer and it lasts as long as you need it. If any of this sounds useful for you, then don't hesitate to pop along to a chat room or to call the helpline to discuss if the peer support service is for you.

Take care,

Hannah

Volunteer Online Peer Supporter