I am a gambling addict

I first started gambling at the age of 14, I used to save up my pocket money in a Pringles container the small Pringles container, every night my mum and dad used to gamble and I used to say awake and sit and watch my mum gamble and I used to say STOP I want the next spin and I used to give my mum £1.80 and have the next spin and whatever I won my mum used to give me the money from her handbag down next to her, I had over £30 in my Pringles pot and it got me hooked and ive been hooked ever since, I remember my mum chasing a jackpot on a slot called heaven and hell and it was around Christmas time and my mum used her mums card as she ran out of funds on her card, I kept spinning for hours and hours and when my mum went to visit my nan as I think the bank called her i called my mum and won 6 days before Christmas my mum started crying when I told her and it gave me such a great feeling inside that feeling I think ive been chasing ever since.

i fot paid £340 universal credit today and I went to the arcade and gambled it all away, I have a son it was his birthday on the 30th of November 2013 hes 12 now and I have not seen him since he was 6 thats 6 years! It’s because I used to gamble the child tax credits it was called back then and tried to hide it from my school sweetheart Amy, I used to then have to steal the actimel milk to feed my child and make up bull to hide my addiction.

I’m now seeking help ive tried going GA once a week and have failed and gambled and didn’t want to go back, this happened again n 5 occasions. Time and time again I would show up and be honest and say to the GA group ive gambled and nobody judged me, i felt the meetings was not for me because I am very emotional and I am sympathetic to people. 

the reason why I stopped going to GA was because everyone was so negative and I was taking on so much negativity and depression from the group chats that I left feeling worse then when I went in, I don’t like to be surrounded by negativity even tho I know we are all there for the same thing. 

i have reached out to gamcare and I’m hoping for some tailored support maybe even rehab, I have dont some reasesrch and rehab might not be the best choice for me as I would consider myself vulnerable and some people just go to rehab for a roof over their heads and it’s drug orientated, now this is what I’ve read online so I’m a little apprehensive on going to one of these places, I have my own flat and would like to go to a place that helps me but I’m unsure if it will be beneficial reading the reviews. 

I need to live and set an example for my son, eventually I will see him again but feel I’m not a “good enough father” at the moment.

i have taken drugs in the past I have not touched class A drugs for around 6 years ive had weed every now and then but thats if I’m with friends and there smoking it, Ofc I wouldn’t smoke weed if I had my son in my life.

I want a bright future and want to know is it possible to stop gambling as I do think i gamble to fill a hole inside me somthing thats missing like a feeling I am wanting maybe the same feeling I keep chasing when I won my mum actually hugged me and kissed me for the first time and that’s when I first felt what love was like. I love my son but don’t think I should be in his life at the moment because I need to set an example and I am not in the right place atm to be able to support him, btw I do pay child support and always have done.

many thanks I’m just wondering how to beat this illness, I feel like it’s a disease eating me from the inside out 

any advice or words of experience appreciated 

James. X