Enough is enough

hi you posted you deserve a reply, lonely addication ain't it. As your thread says your husband does not understand the addication. People on here do, and they will support you, I would urge counselling, you need to offload, but to the right person. In my experiance people who the gambling does not affect will offer sympathy, but don't understand why you did it, and that is it important for you to discover why you did it. I think you did it because your life was not giving you what you wanted from it, so a little buzz here and there ? I can fully empthasise with the 'black cloud' waking up feelings, it's rubbish, just get a counsellor, keep on here, remember you are not the only one, .................. then look your kids in the eyes and think i can do better for you that this.

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Hi Mum08,

Welcome I hope you've had a good day since your opening post?

So your husband knows about your gambling problem, but does he know about the £23K of debt or only part of it? I really feel for you if you want help/support from your partner and he just "brushes it under the carpet"!!! I'm gob smacked, honestly! Isn't £23K a lot of money to him? At what amount of debt would he show an interest and be concerned?

I have three children and only my wife knows about my addiction and recovery. With her support, my GA meetings and also this web-site, I know I'm in a far better place and have all the support from the people I want.

You need some support. I guess you have called the GamCare helpline. Is there a GA meeting near you? I'm so upset that I'd like to say I'd drive you there myself to offer my support! Tell the husband that without his help and support GA is the only answer and you have to give it a go. Let's hope he can cope with the kids for a couple of hours or more.

Like I've already said "I'm gob smacked" and now a little annoyed, so I'll shut-up now. I honestly wish you all the best and hope you can find help and support you need, without it I'm afraid to say that "black cloud" is going nowhere.

Please keep us all updated.

Shep.x.

Thankyou for the replys feeling a bit down today as I feel I have nobody to talk to and yes I think your right with saying I need to see a counsellor I think this will help as I have a lot of things bottled up that I would like to get out in the open and feel like speaking to a counsellor may help with this. Me and my husband aren't really getting on at the moment as I feel like he's in another world to me he concentrates all his efforts time and money on his sports car which frustrates me as I'm the one left dealing with the children household bills food shop etc it's quite lonely at times don't get me wrong I have a lot of friends but I don't feel like I can tell them about my gambling problem as yes they would sympathise if I told them but don't think they would really understand. All I want is to be happy in my life I guess that's all most people want and I know gambling is not the answer it only makes it worst. I love my husband more than anything it just upsets me that I don't have his support and would be nice if he could take some of the stress of me for once I have sat him down many a times and told him about the debt how I'm feeling etc but it doesn't make no difference I really need his support but like I said his mind is always else where and I feel like I'm not his priority I know my troubled relationship is at the centre of why I gamble that and I know after a argument or feeling lonely this is what triggers it. My children need me and I need to focus on them now and stop feeling sorry for myself although it's hard I know I can do this and get my life back on track I just need to forget about the money lost and try and move forward as its making me ill all the worrying on a daily basis thanks for reading x

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Sorry, I don't buy into blaming your husband for your gambling. It simply doesn't help you. You, not he, control what you do, whether you place a bet and then go along with the wish to cover up what you're doing. He may not behave well or not meet your expectations of him but gambling and blaming him isn't the answer. It's the equivalent of a cheating spouse saying that the person they married just doesn't understand them but the young curvaceous colleague mysteriously does, therefore what follows is ok. One of the principles of recovery is accepting responsibility for what you do, focusing on improving you and making sure that you do the right thing. Leave his issues to him.

I'm on the other side, my husband is a CG. My experience was that the problems in our marriage were not, as my husband would have had me believe, caused solely and unequivocally by my undoubted faults - I'm no saint. They weren't, as I wanted to think, the normal Mars / Venus ups and downs of married life. They were caused by my husband's addiction to gambling and the behaviour that went with it - lying to me, lying to the children, stealing from us, running up debt behind my back, mood swings, projected blame, his sheer unreasonableness, his wish to be left alone to gamble on the computer without demands from me or the children. And the problems in our marriage were caused by me tolerating it.

Your husband can help you if you both want it. Eg by taking financial control, by encouraging counselling and meetings for you, by going to counselling and meetings himself. There has to be complete honesty for that even to be viable. But he can't take the problem away and solve it for you and it's no good expecting him to. Also, he can't trust you in financial terms although you can work round that - we do.

Your salvation lies with you and the choices that you make. You're making the right ones by joining here. Overcoming the addiction is doable by you, for you, using the tools mentioned elsewhere on the forum, blocking software, SE, counselling, GA, your diary. Focus on being the best you can be and your life will improve.

Wish you well.

CW

Wow that was a bit harsh wasn't expecting that you sound very bitter if I'm going to be honest but il take your comments on board it has took a lot for me to finally open up and share on this site and your response has taken me back

I am not blaming my husband at all I am saying that I wish I had his support and I know our relationship is troubled therefore I'm trying to identify where my triggers are feel like I shouldn't of posted in the first place now

Posting is what members are here for.

All I'm saying - albeit less than gently - is to beware the addict thinking that if it's him, it's not you, therefore he needs to change, not you, therefore there's not a lot you can do about it so nothing changes. That thought process promotes the gambling.

The addiction progresses, unchecked, it ruins lives, of the gamblers and of those around them. The CGs suffer but being on the receiving end of what an active CG dishes out is bitter. My husband's path is not to be recommended but he's not the first or the last to go down it and however far down he went, he's choosing recovery at the moment.

It's doable, by you, for you, using all the tools available.

CW

Yes I understand I need to change myself and once I'm in a better place hopefully things will improve with my husband I need to not rely on him for my happiness as I need to be happy in myself first if that makes sense feeling a bit better today and more positive

Glad to hear you're feeling positive. Would urge you to go for the counselling. And GA isn't a working mans' club, worth a try. They're all CGs, so they get it.

After we had our crisis last year, I put on a lot of weight. Unhealthy, not grotesque. Easy enough to say it was all his fault that I was comfort eating, after all, he had definitely upset me and everything else was his fault! Now the excess is slowly shifting, not because he never upsets me, but because I got on the scales, got a shock and changed my eating habits. And it'll take a while but it took a while to put that much on.

OAU. Wish you well.

CW

Hi Mum, I really feel your pain on reaing your introduction. Wow, 7 years you stopped for, you obviously have great strength of character to have mananged that before. I wish you all the luck in the world in getting back there. There is lots of useful advice here, take what works for you from reading around the forum. xx

I've been reading around the forum a lot and it is a comfort to know that I am not alone in this addiction and can empathise with all the posts i have read. I'm trying to put blocks in place for when I feel my lowest which I know will happen as I've had 3 relapses already in the last few months but I never had blocks in place and sometimes will power is not enough. I have just downloaded k9 so I thought u would see if it works and yes it blocks most gambling websites but still allows me to click on some and register which I havnt done is there a way around this to completely block every gambling website or do I need to Install something else x

Sorry forgot to say I have a I phone 6 it's the only device I gamble on x