Good Morning.... well maybe not good! But we are here (me writing, you reading) and that is a good thing, the reasons for us all being on this page are not so good, but still being here (alive) is a good start and being here for help is even better.
I have visited this website a fair few times over last couple of years.... and today I have registered, and that in it's self feels good.
I am a delusional gambler!!! As in I can go weeks / months without betting and although I know I have a problem...my way of rationalising "I can't have a problem as i can leave it alone for ages"! also because I think, "well the bills ARE paid so I am not that bad,"! BUT I AM! Not one person knows about my problem...i cannot tell them! Yet! maybe never! Not sure what to do.
I have lost lots of money over the years... at christmas i blew my £1000.00 bonus online gambling, that was devestating for me and i swore i would never be so stupid! I am an accountant by trade, I fully understand the odds (and that they are against us) and that bookies are businesses to make a profit, but even that was not enough to stop me! I went 12 weeks without gambling after self excluding(that is again another issue I have with websites but that is for a different thread!). I then set limits because i am so sensible (delusional) that worked for a while. Last night ;-( all the money I had been saving is now gone... approx £3k in total in 4 hours!! Because I stupidly joined a new site set no limits and same old routine, few wins to start.... then chase chase chase till its all done! I really feel the sites are fixed... or am I a sore loser? Seems each new one, its all wins to begin... then the fall! I just wanted to die... crying and angry and alone, my heart was beating so fast and hard I thought i was having a heart attack, part of me wished i was. So now what??? I am so sure I NEVER want to do that again... but I was also sure of that in December. I think I can control myself but i clearly cannot. I don't want to tell my family as i am the positive, sensible, ingelligent one, I am ashamed and embarassed and now skint., I had so many plans for the money, my family wont know its gone as they didnt know i even had it! I am stuck in a wirlpool in my mind and the smiles on the outside hide a desperate stupid fool on the inside.
Welcome to a great place for support....
Read...read...read...take all the advice given....use it how you choose.....take one day at a time...and enjoy the ride....lots of bumps along the way....but the freedom from addiction is yours if you want it....good luck...stay close to here...x
o*g Lush, I can relate to everything you say. A year ago I had no debt (finally after clearing it all) and now a year later I am over £30k in debt. It's the bl@@dy slots that get me every time. I have one particular game that I love, and the adrenalin when you're winning on it is immense, but then comes the losing (19 times out of 20). I have self excluded from so many sites, but then go and join others. I can't get Gamblock on my iPad : and even if I did, I'd start using my phone or something instead. YES, they let you win after you've deposited about £100, but then you think "oh this £500 (For example)could turn into a thousand if I keep going. You tell yourself you'll stop when you get to the amount you originally deposited, but you don't because you think you're bound to win again, and you may as well keep going. One time I had over £2,000 in winnings, but because you get the option to cancel your withdrawal, I thought I'd have another bash to see if I could turn it into something bigger (not that I even really cared about the amount, it was just the buzz of winning I loved) and by the end of the night I was back to ZERO pounds, and then put even more money on to try to win back the original £2,000
Sometimes it's just about getting back your losses. I was getting so annoyed that these companies had taken a couple of hundred from me and not let me win that I was certain I was due for a win, and just kept depositing about £50 a time. Next thing, you've deposited about £600 and STILL have nothing to show for it, cos even if you win £300 back, you're still chasing the original amount you lost.
It's a mugs game. I'm so done with it. my will power is apalling and I can barely go a few days without a quick go on the slots. As a result, this month I had zero money week after pay day with 3 weeks to go. I had to do extra work for an agency to get me through the month (I am a nurse). so those days I slogged my guts out was literally because I poured my bank balance into the pockets of the greedy betting companies. I am ashamed of myself. I had to write myself an A4 list of the reasons I must never bet again, and remind myself how much extra work I have to do for the next 4 or 5 years just to pay back some stupid debt that I have NOTHING to show for. GRRR. I can rationalise why I need to stop and I am the most determined I have EVER been to stop, but sometimes this little demon eats away at me and tells me to have "one more go". I truly hope you come up with your own list of why you need to stop too. I have lost track of the days spent feeling like P**P just because I blew my salary and now can't do anything for the rest of the month. it's a gut wrenching feeling and it makes you feel rock bottom-low. I don't know what the solution is, but finding alternative ways to spend my time other than on gambling websites is a good start. Good luck. let me know how you get on xxxxxxxx Suz x
My recovery is not going well.......
Lush
Forget the money its gone. A lot of people join with all intentions of stopping gambling, but fall into the same trap of 'maybe this time I will win'
Remember why you read this forum, and the reason you want to stop. Think about the darkness within that spreads after every episode. It does not get better. It eats a little bit of your soul every time.
You can stop. Its not easy. Move past the money and try and figure out what makes you want to gamble.
If you can *** an understanding of what pushes you to do it, its easy to find a solution to stopping.
How do you feel when you want to gamble, are you sad, or stressed ? I would always gamble when anything that required an emotional response surfaced. If I was unable to handle a sitatuion, I would gamble. I fould my cause and make a conscious effort to deal with the problems in front of me instead of running away.
Everyone is different - any addiction normally has a cause. Find yours and the recovery will get easier
Good luck
Excellent analogy 21246pjc. I think that many of us focus too much on the money. Money lost or won. Speculative winning desires and lack of funds.
There has to be an appreciation and understanding of the triggers and reasons for gambling beyond just: making money, escapism or feeling the buzz. Obviously a cg. may lose control or relapse due to pressures and events, or even just something as simple as a falling out with a partner, or friction between work colleagues.
Therefore recognition of the thought patterns which could turn into triggers will give us the edge in helping to maintain a strong and definitive strategy.
Wish you luck Lush.
The thought process and the feelings about your heart beat are so relatable. Last December when I was winning and gambling for the first time my heart beat was going crazy but in a good way. Flick a month on to January 16 and it was going crazy but I wished too that it was a heart attack after what I had lost.
It's not really about the money but if your on here after a big loss (like me & most people probably) then its about coming to terms with the losses and trying hard to move on.
Wish you well.
R
R
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