Hit rock bottom - feel like the worst person on the earth

Your deamon is the same as mine , the online slot , I've not gambled in 4 days and I have no intention of doing so ever again , your not alone and being here will hopefully help us both

Steve

Hi pebbles - Well first of all, well done on admitting that this is something that has to stop - now. Remember that many of us have been or still are, in your situation to a greater or lesser degree. Online slots were my problem too - for me what started out as a relaxing bit of fun became an addiction which I was throwing money at - until I realised that I was using it as an escape from other pressures.

You have understandably turned to gambling in the hope that it would solve your financial problems - we have all done it. What you must remember always is that you can never win - as has been said here many times "I cannot win because I cannot stop."

Now for the practicalities: self-exclude from all your online gambling sites and install a blocking program such as K9 (it's free).

Visit this site regularly and read other people's stories - you will realise that you are not alone in your struggle. Try to join the 2014 Challenge (on the 'Overcoming problem gambling' page) - it's a team effort and so encouraging.

Seek help with your debt situation - I cannot offer any advice there, but there are many on the site who can. Molehole has given some good advice to other newcomers.

I hope things start to get better for you soon.

Joanna

Hi Pebbles

I can relate to you entirely. I have admitted to my partner this weekend that I have a problem and have taken numerous payday loans to pay these off. The irony is that we both work full time, there is no need for me to gamble, and I have caused my partner so much heartbreak as I got in this situation 18 months ago and he stuck by me. I have blocked my gambling accounts and payday loan companies this morning, but I dont think he will ever trust me again. 20 years we have been together and i feel so so bad and i cant even explain why I have done it. It is so scary to know you are out of control.

Hi pebbles,

You've done the first step in the right direction what you should be really proud of and in my opinion you really need to stop taking blame to yours for what you are not responsible. Yes with out a doubt you have done wrong just like me and many more in gambling and mistreating trust but also you have to realize that you have an illness called gambling. I've got told when I was in therapy in 2003 that my disturbed relationship to gambling did not come over me but it was always there was just a matter of time when it breaks out and when it happens it need to be put to sleep again because you can't kill it it will always be with you but with help of friends family and professionals you can stop it controlling you. I know, many wise words but how do it ? It will when you stay focused on your addiction meaning the slots will always beat you never the opposite way. I felt exactly like you once because I gambled I felt responsible for everything else. But your partner is not drinking because you gamble, he is drinking because he has a drinking problem and he has to deal with it just like you found as I hope the right way to deal with your addiction. It is a long hard way but every day without gambling is worth it you just need to believe in yourself and take on the offert help.

I wish you strength and all the best on your way in a life without gambling

Wolfgang

Hi Pebbles,

My life's a bit of a mess at the moment so please don't think I'm getting on my high horse with what I'm about to say, but two things strike me from your post - Your last relationship and your current relationship both have partners who drink too much and refuse to man up and pay their way? I'm not surprised you turned to slots - to try and find a way to carry their broke a***s and to relieve your own stress/pressure and boredom.

You are clearly not a bad person - it seems to me you are responding to a bad situation in the easiest way you knew how. I've done exactly the same myself in your position. Who can blame us?

I think maybe your gambling issues are secondary to your bad relationship choices issues? (Not my place to say that at all, so please don't take me wrong). But maybe if you spent some time out of bad needy relationships to grow in yourself then you might feel the need to gamble to escape lessens? Based only on what you write, I think any 'normal' person would be looking for easy ways out of that stress too.

You deserve better.

Best wishes,

M

Thank you for your words everyone. It gives me some comfort that I'm not alone and that we are together battling (or have battled) this horrid gremlin that is called gambling.

Molehill - I totally take on board what you are saying. I admitted to a family member yesterday about what was going on and they also said that I can't be responsible for what my partner does, that I need to look after myself first and foremost, that I can't live in my partners shoes for him. He needs to take responsibility for his own demons. They also suggested that I take sometime away especially as my partner refuses to talk through what I did.

Which is what I'm now trying to do, I've contacted the face to face counselling service on Gamcare and hope to have an assessment in the next week or so. I've also self excluded myself from the sites.

Kwillo - I know how you feel about the trust issue. But hopefully you will get through it together. 20 years of being together tells me you will. maybe counselling will help you? You might be able to find out what any underlining issues are?

Thanks for the wise words Wolfgang and Baggins.

I'm still feeling very low for what I did but am looking forward to being strong and getting out of this cycle.

It really does help talking with you all. Thank you.

x

Hi pebbles - So glad to see that you are in a more positive frame of mind. Molehole was brave enough to put into words what I was thinking about your situation, namely that you cannot be responsible for your partner's problems and that you will need to take a long hard look at your relationship. To fight the gambling demon you have to look after yourself first and foremost, and believe me that battle is quite enough without fighting anyone else's demons.

So best wishes to you in your journey towards sanity and peace of mind.

Joanna

No need for any thanks pebbles, you have done a big step in your life and this is great, I'm actually not that wise but for everyone it's easier to see the problems of somebody else clearer than the own and Molehole and Joanna are absolutely right. I really wish you the very best on your way

Wolfgang

Have booked my first session of counselling in for next week. Fingers crossed this will sort out the underlying cause. Thanks Pebbles for your words of encouragement and good luck to you too. We CAN do this....

It's been a couple of months since I've been on here since I lost all my wages in April. I've been going to GA meetings and have a assessment with a gambling clinics tomorrow. I got paid today and what did I do?

Gambled every penny I earned. I don't understand why I've done this when I've put myself and others in such financial difficulty by gambling in April. This month was meant to be a lifeline on the way to recovery. I was working on my relationship with my partner who I left last month because of the different issues we both have. I feel I like I'm about to be disowned because of the destruction I'm causing. Not even sure how I will get through a month with 0 pence to my name. I don't have a large family/friend network and those I have I have disappointed severely. But not least myself.

Why have I done this again? Help, I don't know what to to.

What is wrong with me?

Hi Pebbles, welcome back to the Forum,

Firstly, well done for sticking to your earlier plans in respect of GA and the assessment - despite what has happened, you should be proud of yourself for taking these steps.

Secondly, you do know why you gambled every penny you earned my friend - I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago; I knew, each and every time.

There was a moment when you allowed all these positive feelings and hard work go out the window; there were events that led up to the moment (not a judgement on you my friend, because we have all been there), there were thoughts, feelings and emotions running around in your head - if there weren't, then you allowed yourself to "numb out" what you had been through to get to this point, and you had numbed out all the agony, heartache and sheer misery that you experienced before.

You can't allow this to happen my friend. You can't allow yourself to lapse into feeling down and letting your mind and your emotions drift; I am guessing that the urges weren't particulary strong, but you let your mind, spirit and body just float away without wanting to care about the consequences.

This doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you careless either, but urges can manifest themselves in strange ways; this is why you have to keep what has happened to you close to your chest, and you have to develop a method to diffuse the situation - speaking to someone or posting here would be a good way to do that; you should cherish that moment my friend, because you have an element of control before you start and it may not take much to "snap out" of it.

Nothing is wrong with you my friend; complancency can be as dangerous as the strongest of strong urges; I have been there - I have been there, telling myself that I can spent 10 pounds and walk out, when I had spend 19 years doing exactly the opposite; we don't want to believe the truth, we don't want to accept that we can never spend a penny of what we win, we don't want to face our flaws, but we have to, otherwise we drift, as what I am imagining happened to you.

This doesn't have to be the end of the world if you learn from it my friend. Your situation is dire, but how about if this was the straw that broke the camels back? How about if this was truly your last bet, ever? It would all have been worth it, in fact, today would have been one of the best days of your life, instead of the worst.

Well done again my friend. Pick yourself up, learn from this experience and follow through with what you have pledged to do; forget this month, but make sure next month is the lifeline - you can't change what has happened but you can use all this pain, all this worry, all this soul-wrenching heartache and misery to push you on further.

JamesP

Thank you for the words and honesty JamesP.

If I'm honest there was a strong urge for me to "just have one little go" on the slots knowing I had been paid.

I do feel it's the last straw that broke the camel's back. As I cannot continue to go round in this cycle of destruction. I think I've gone into panic and anxiety mode as many of us on here have felt straight after a relapse/gambling episode.

I'm looking forward to my assessment tomorrow for cognitive therapy, having been on the waiting list. Hopefully this will also be a support for a gambling free life. Although I'm not sure what to expect.

I now realise the need to perhaps go to more than one GA session a week and also to give someone I trust control of my finances once I get paid so I have little access until I learn how to control my urges.

And of course stick to coming onto the forum regularly.

Can I ask what helped you most to overcome the gambling? I often read your replies and posts and feel positive at the fact that you've been through so much through your 20 years of gambling but have overcome it being free of it for 5 years.

At this moment in time it's hard to feel positive for what steps I've made before today as I feel I've undone them again in the space of a couple of hours.

But here is to a positive fresh new start tomorrow.

You're very welcome Pebbles, no worries at all,

The problem with one tiny go my friend is that there is no possible endgame with a positive solution - you win, you want more (which invariably leads to losing) - if you lose, then you cannot bring yourself to walk away without trying to win it back (which invariably leads to losing more and then spending money you don't have). There is nothing you will ever be able to do to break that lose-lose scenario my friend.

The thing that helped me most was reaching six months and then relapsing; I got a window into what life could be like - I was happier, more relaxed, more sociable and people started believing in me again. My urges came but they lessened week by week until it felt like it was second nature.

I made a critical mistake when I played for pennies in a penny arcade; I had about five pounds worth of coppers which I didn't want to carry around with me so I thought right, I will change them into ten pences, put them all in one Fruit Machine and walk away. So I lost, then I was changing up money for one pound coins, and then it drove me to going into the Bookmakers afterwards, where I lost the 500.00 I had left in my account that month. I learnt, then and there, that it doesn't matter what the stake is, it's where it will lead to, which is why it has to be zero tolerance for people like me and you my friend.

The pain, mentally and physically, was almost too much to bear after all that hard work. But, I had that window into a new life, and I knew I could get back there - I had something to aim for and that helped a great deal.

From then on, the thing that helped me most was acceptance - I am only human; I am going to have trials and tribulations in life whether I am gambling or not; other people get through it, so I have to find a way, and now I have a goal, a goal that I have attained before. I started exercising, I started doing charity work, I did writing, took singing lessons and joined a group that went on hiking expeditions - I knew it wasn't enough to give up long term; I knew it would leave gaps so I pushed myself to fill them. Now I experience genuine highs that give me happiness and fulfilment that gambling never could.

If you want to take this to the next level, then you have to be proactive without exception, and you have to accept that some days are going to be tough but that's fine if you "ride the storm" and get through to tomorrow, which is almost always a better day - find a routine, go to bed, punch a pillow, go for a run, cry, read a book, listen to some music - whatever works best for you my friend. I didn't mind my urges the second time round because I knew that getting through each one would be another step up the ladder.

Look at every aspect of your life my friend - are you happy? Where are you going? Everyone should have a dreams, goals and at the very least, a plan. Even if it all goes wrong, that's ok - as the saying goes "Aim for the Moon - if you miss, you might just catch a falling star".

JamesP

After almost a year of not touching any form of gambling following a successful bout of treatment of CBT last year.

This morning I found my self on a site and have gambled away what was left in my bank account, Got myself into a panic, couldnt understand why I had had a relapse due to how well I have done. I had recently been so happy and have been enjoying life, being active, new boyfriend and now I find myself in this dark place again this morning.

the one difference i have noted is that i haven't now got the urge to try and find whatever money I can get to try and get it back. I feel so angry with myself and am dreading telling the new boyfriend (he knows of my past) of what I've done. He is away on holiday at the moment and can't bring myself to ruin his holiday with whats happened. I'm also meant to be looking forward to a girls holiday next week, but now don't have the funds to go!

I straight away rang up and blocked myself from the online company but am now in a pickle of how I'm going to sort out my direct debits which will bounce and how on earth i'm going to get through the month, let alone how I'm going to go on holiday!

I spent so long and so hard clearing my gambling debts (payday loans) etc which finished in January, i can't beleive i would want to risk losing my hard earned money on this terrible addiction.

sorry, rambling. Just wanted to get everything out.....head is a mess.