I am here for me

Hi Spooly - Welcome to the site and well done for deciding on some strategies to rid yourself of this debilitating and soul-destroying addiction. You are right in saying that the struggle is 'all about me' as we are the only ones who can beat this - we have to look out for ourselves first and foremost. However in progressing in our recovery those nearest and dearest to us will also benefit - we will become our true selves again, at peace with ourselves and therefore able to live a fulfilled and sane life, which can only be of benefit to our family and friends. Also, by participating in these forums we are also helping others - it always amazes me to see how quickly a newcomer starts to offer support and advice and this in turn gives them strength.

Best wishes for your journey.

Joanna

Hi spooly,

Reading your post and not getting angry with myself over my past is very difficult for me.

Just like you have I always tried to support the people around me as much as I could the only person I forgot over it was myself ! But is this really the truth ?

In my case and I just can speak for myself, I have to admit it wasn't.

Yes I've been there for many and I might have helped many but also I did it for myself, because it made me looking good and somehow I could compensate my addiction this way.

Nobody forced me to help I've done it because I wanted to do it and therefor I did it for me to.

Just like I'm here for me because I need help for me to deal with and to control my addiction.

Best wishes

Wolfgang

Hi Joanna and Wolfgang, thank you for your replies. I wrote my post in a particularly low moment..one of those where you feel alone in the world, - the feelings are usually triggered by money worries following gambling. I am struggling right now really badly with the whole gambling thing. I always thought I was a softie as I hate confrontation, but in recent years I have discovered that I am very good at not only standing up for myself but also for others,without losing my cool or becoming abusive. If I feel alone with gambling, it really is not because nobody cares. It is because I could not possibly share the shame with anyone. I don't want them to view me differently or keep checking where their wallet is when I am around. I have learned to say no to people when it suits. I have learned not to rely on any single person for my happiness. I have learned to make my own choices. In fact the only thing between me and happiness is gambling. When I am free from gambling my life becomes happy and fulfilled. My relationships get better---easier and more fun. The constant worry about money soon leaves me. But then I go and do something stupid and blow it all!!! So yes, there is a pay off in helping people ..we feel good about ourselves. Am I looking for some one to blame? Probably not. Do I blame myself? Probably not. I know I am getting closer to cracking this thing. How can a person spend their life desperate for a win. It is interesting that I do not have cravings in work!! I think there is something in that and I know I am getting closer to cracking it. Maybe I need to become a workaholic, or at least have a sense of purpose outside work!

Hi Spooly - You are right in surmising that finding other interests outside of work will help. Starting a course of study, doing charity work, joining a club, gym, or simply getting out in the fresh air and walking - these will give you a new slant on life and help you realise that there is another world out there apart from gambling.

Best wishes,

Joanna