Husband in denial

Hi Jane, 

Firstly, I just want to say welcome! I think it's great you are here, as many people will be able to relate to your situation and I know firsthand how hard it can be to be with a gambling addict even during their recovery! 

It sounds like he may have been gambling all along, and as gambling is such a secret addiction it is very easy to hide and be in denial of the problem. I learned first hand, that if a gambler wants to gamble, nothing is going to stop them, even if there are blocks etc. in place. They themselves have to want to stop. There's also a lot of shame that comes with gambling, so when the addict tries to cover their tracks, that's when the gaslighting and blaming the other person comes into it. 

I can totally understand the fear you have over the family finances and I think it's important for transparency in this situation, so you know exactly what you are dealing with. Are you able to have access to his bank statements to find out how long this has been going on for? If there is any debt, you will need to know, especially as you have a joint mortgage. This may be a complete one-off relapse, but it would be good to find out the truth. 

It's also very common for addiction to run in families, so it's not surprising that he also has siblings who have addictions. 

I would recommend joining our chat rooms or maybe a support group for people who have been through a similar situation to you, because it could really help speak to people who have shared your experience and maybe offer you clarity, but definitely a good starting point would be to find out what the situation is and then there is support out there for both your husband and yourself.

Kind Regards,

Jade 

@pertwnj0u2 thank you so much for your reply.  I have felt at a total loss the past four days and people who understand it I suppose make me feel heard. My husband thinks he’s in control and can stop whenever he likes, but thinks the main issue is that I opened his bank statement.

At the moment I don’t know anything about finances or how long it’s been going on because he won’t communicate about it, or really at all. However, I’ve run a credit check and there’s currently no debt.

I sent him a podcast to listen to and he said he related to some of it. But is yet to say he has a problem. 

I will definitely look for support, because this is making me physically sick. This horrible limbo of the unknown is just awful. 

Thank you so much!

Hi @fyzw24gs1u,

no problem! 😊 

There are plenty of people out there who have been in a similar situation to you. When I was dealing with my partner's addiction and relapses, I would attend an online support group called WINGS, a woman's only support group for people who had been affected by another's gambling. It was a lifesaver for me, even just to speak to people who had shared similar experiences.

I personally would say that if he thinks the only problem is you, opening his bank statement says a lot. If you hadn't opened it, would, he ever told you? Is it really fair to hide something like that from your partner? It's good there is no debt because that can make the situation more complicated, but maybe there is a lack of communication there? Maybe couples counseling could be a way forward. Again, this is something that takes work from both sides and you both have to want it. 

I can feel the pain in your words, so I am sending you a virtual hug! 🤗 And I wish you all the best with whatever happens. 

Kind Regards,

Jade