My issue seems weird to me

Hi SadKen,

My name is Hannah and I volunteer for GamCare as a peer supporter due to my experience supporting my husband through gambling harms.

Im not an expert on this and I am sure someone more knowledgable will come along and fill in where I can not, but I would have thought that sports games and slots have many many differences that could cause this. For example with sports there is a larger period of time that goes by and social aspects but with slots its just go after go in rapid succession. There is also the thoughts of the machine being 'ready to pay out'. Im wondering if there are significant neurological and psychological differences between the two regarding what is happening in the brain during them on a biological level. 

Regarding Christmas...how ruined are we talking? Maybe there is still a way through this that doesnt involve your girlfriend leaving you and Christmas being completely out of the window.

Hannah

GamCare Volunteer Online Peer Supporter

I have no money to get any presents sorted for Christmas. The shame and guilt from the last time I did this (3 months ago) is back and worse this time with it being Xmas

She’s the best thing that ever happened to me and does everything she can for us and I’ve done this. I am so tired of hating myself. 

@93u5aeimhf Hi Ken,

I’d just like to say I had this exact same problem for months 60 days ago. I used to love a football bet on the weekend, nothing too silly. If I won I’d be over the moon, if I lost I’d be a bit sad but then say to myself oh well it’s not the end of the world I’ll try to win next week. And I’d consider it myself it was semi-healthy because I didn’t really chase losses and if I was chasing them it’s with an additional bet that’s nothing major you know.

however, as you mentioned the slots. In May, I deposited some money and said I’m just gonna play this and if I lose then it’s ok. I ended up winning and then the next spin I got into a feature again and won again in hindsight this was the worst thing to happen to me. Didn’t tell anyone just kept it to myself thought get in fine not playing again. Guess what? I lost it within a week and more, that’s when the addiction took over. So since May till October 3rd, I’d pretty much gamble everyday and lose money that to some might not be a lot but to me it’d be huge I’d be in -500 overdraft every month pretty much and gamble so much money everytime.

Now, linking back to the girlfriend situation. I couldn’t hold it in when it happened in May I told her, she said if it happens again she would leave me, told my mum she cried her eyes out as she understands how much money that is and how valuable that would be for her and I just lost it within days. I carried on gambling again won big then lost it fast, then would win again etc etc and it just spiralled out of control. With the football I could bet fun amounts nothing ridiculous I wouldn’t even put a small amount on an acca but would deposit more on slots within minutes. 
Told my gf again what happened cried my eyes out, she said Rob if it happens again I’m seriously leaving.

guess what I done it again I remember on the 30 Sept after wages I was up very nicely, said I’ll stop coz I really wanted to treat her this month I ended up losing around a grand told her she said rob you need to get help seriously I practically begged her to stay. And the last time, I done it again 4 days after, my parents went away during this period so I had lots of free time on my hands, on the Saturday 3rd Oct she went to see her mum and sister whilst I stayed at home to do some bits round the house, I lost the rest of the money, and that also in hindsight was probably the best thing that happened to me because as much as I didn’t want to I took the leap and I registered to GAMSTOP, registered here, got GAMBAN for 1 year free. I didn’t want to do these as I wanted to carry on with my footy bets on the weekend but I couldn’t trust myself at all. Once she came back I took her upstairs, shut the door, burst my eyes out before I even said a word she was already getting up and trying to leave but I begged and begged for her to at least listen. It was horrible to see her pulling away, disgusted with me and wanting to end things with me because there is no future because of the trust broken etc etc. I told her every single detail, that I done GAMSTOP explained it to her, explained a plan in place that she can take a look at my bank whenever she wants to show her I’m not doing it no more, I said I’d get help, I attend the chatrooms every Monday and Tuesday they are great to connect with others. I sat my parents down and told them everything and the disappointment from them was huge. I am now 60 days gamble free and please Ken the best thing you can do is admit the problem and unfortunately as sad and unfortunate as it is you need to get on GAMSTOP and get rid of the football. You have to, because you’ll be back to betting stupid amounts to get the buzz. I promise you Ken, best thing aswell is to get on here and speak to people, and most importantly admit everything to your gf, it shows no more hiding, more honesty and a dedication of wanting to regain the trust and honesty with eachother, I have got really lucky with my girlfriend the amount of times I screwed up I don’t think any other girl would of stayed through it all, but I’m really hoping your girlfriend sees you’re trying to better yourself but Ken if you want to maximise the chances you have to go on GAMSTOP get help from here and explain all of this to her. And think would you rather do a bet on the weekend on the footy and win that let’s be honest happens what 2% of the time maybe if you’re lucky. Or would you rather have the chance of spending the rest of your life with your gf. Have a think.

Hope you get through it pal! Sending my love to you mate <3

Hi Ken, well done on finding the forum mate and for having the courage to reach out. I'm currently just over 100 days GF and for 20 years was exactly where you are - low(ish) sports betting yet going wild on slots. I think Hannah is right in that sports betting offers a delayed reward whilst slots gives us that constant fix of dopamine and slots by some distance cause the most harm. It sucks to have blown your wage (ive been there) but its done and now beating yourself up wont do you any good, you're already doing the first step now in recognising you have a problem that needs fixing and want to now stop. I like to remind myself that all wins are just future losses so whats the point, get all blocks in place (gamstop/gamban/moses) to remove access and consider giving access to your money/cards to someone you trust who can manage funds on your behalf. In regards to your GF being open and honest to those around us affected is the best approach i would hope she supports you if you chose to do this. You can do it Ken let go the past and move forward, i wish you all the best mate

I was similar like u i could bet on sports blackjack and i was fine my issue was slots and roullette which caused me issues the only way out of this u have to stop betting completely even if u dont have issues because the risk to go back to gambling to slots will be completely high their are people who will say they still bet but dont do other form of betting where the issue is however for most people even watch slot chanels is enough to cause a relapse what u can do is put all blocks in place and get all the support necessary be honest with your partner it will show u are trying to make amends it the best thing u can do at this point you have to do this for yourself 

@93u5aeimhf 

Hi again Sadken,

I asked about how bad the Christmas situation is as I guess gauging how bad the situation is regarding Christmas, would also depend on if children are involved regarding presents that had been promised, whether the household has any other income, and how far away your next pay day is. I think depending on all that, dictates how badly she will take the news. If it is just you and your partner then presents maybe don't have to mean so much. Many couples don't gift each other. Me and my husband make Christmas special in other ways. If your wider family are expecting gifts, maybe they will be more understanding than you think if you explain that you have had a spot of financial bother. You don't have to tell your wider family what really happened if you don't feel you can. 

But ultimately, no matter how bad the Christmas situation is, the longer you leave it, the worse the news is going to be taken when she finds out. I think you probably know that but it is just so hard to do. I don't know if she will stay or not as I don't know you both but I think the best chance of you preserving your relationship is to tell her sooner rather than later (assuming it is safe for you to do so) and then to try to work out how you are going to get by until next pay day.

If it helps at all, you are definitely not the only person to have stumbled in such a way. My husband has done some bad things too like spending vet fee money, no food, having me in court for council tax non payment then when I saved up the money to pay as agreed in court he spent it the day before it was due...and there have been many a Christmas ruined where I have spent the day in bed. I didn't think I could forgive him but he showed me he was genuinely sorry and that he was committed to getting better. I don't forgive easily at all, but love does funny things to people and if I can forgive my husband then maybe your partner can forgive you. 

Aside from Christmas, are you in a situation where you will have not just no Christmas food but no food at all from now until next pay day? And are you in a situation where you wont have things like gas and electricity? If you have no money at all in the household until pay day or not enough money to survive then please call the GamCare helpline and speak to an adviser if you havn't already because they likely will be able to signpost you to services that can help.  I have some links but I will hold back until I know if you actually need them or not. 

Lastly, I don't know if you have told your partner yet but if you havn't then I imagine that you may be under tremendous mental stress with the worry. If you feel at any point like you cant cope then remember that services like the samaritans helpline are there to talk to on 116 123 or shout has a text line where you text the word Shout to 85258 to initiate.

Please let us know how you get on with everything, 

Hannah