It's just a way to self-harm in false hope (for me)

There's No Win.

Just lost an accumulative total of over £3000, 

That's because, I have this ridiculous target in mind that just couldn't be met, so I guess, every attempt was ignorance of the facts, that I'm not supposed to win money. 

But, I'm just swallowing the embrace, of the fact, I'll never be wealthy; at least anytime soon. 

I see gambling for what it is (biased and based on losing), as I have perceived it before. When I look at it, (if you know me I'm an addict, and a strong anti-gambling advocate), I actually am humbled, and think very differently about the world around me, comprehending that gambling even "exists", in the world around me...

Comprehending the extent of evil it inflicts on our society. 

I start to look at life, and just think about the many people that don't even know that individuals in this world have the potential to destroy their lives through gambling. And more so, in a country and society that looks safe, and ordinary people say hello and smile at you; I wouldn't share my experience with them, to think that such evil business is in operation with the potential of doing such harm to a persons life, irrespective of I'm held accountable for having an addiction. 

I actually can't even believe, that by my own actions, such business is even available to me, in a society I once thought was just and fair. But the truth is, this stuff goes on, the businesses are aware, and nothing much is stopped on their behalf; they still want to make money - they don't care that much about the gambling addict enough to stop business for good to preventing access entirely from their most lucrative customers (5% of the population which are problem gamblers account for 60%-86% of gambling operators revenue - according to the House of Lords).

So it's pretty much down to me and 'faith'. It's so corrupt on every level, including my own decisions. I've got no choice 'but' to have faith, because with such an evil like gambling (whether it can be 'enjoyed' or not), I've just come to the conclusion something isn't right in the world. 

When I see the stories time after time of the financial devastation, brokenness, debt, relationships broken, isolation and despair; something just hits my heart deeper than anything. It doesn't even make me want to "white knuckle" my gambling addiction (which fails), I just feel I need to rest assured in divine faith. 

My experience in gambling addiction has been the darkest evil I've ever faced in my entire life. I've never felt such a fear, speaking of it, and thinking of it, or when I see a shop, or an advert, or something associated with it. Gambling honestly scares me, which is the strange thing. My experiences traumatize me, my losses, my aftermaths and consequences I've faced. The deprivation. When something so oppressive, like a bully or some kind of thing which feels bigger than you; it's as if therefore you need faith in something bigger than you also, to protect you from it, and the temptation. 

It's like there's two narratives, one side that says "desperate", "big win", "need it now", and another side saying "don't do it", "remember that past" , "endure a little more". One voice is a liar, and one voice is the truth. 

I can imagine, the millions of people suffering in the deception of "the big win" that the gambling operators sell in their advertising. Well, the big win is ultimately you, if you're a compulsive gambler like me. I'm 'their' big win as far I you continue gambling. That's how 'they' stay in business; off my money, while I lose and project myself fantasies, hopes, desperation; while simultaneously the gambling operator sells me the same lie too, and I never win - because there's nothing to win. I'm the win. 

Well here's what, today I lost and didn't go back, if I did I wouldn't be eating food today. Something I can't afford when gambling. Another thing I can't fathom - because I couldn't literally provide a service knowing potentially one of my customers wasn't going to eat tonight or feed their children; whether some can enjoy it or not. I want no part of it. I don't want people to suffer. So I'm no part of gambling. Sometimes I lose sight because I get desperate, but my last relapse was probably my last. 

Another thing that evil side likes to say is "you'll never stop", but my good side says "have faith". 

All the best to everyone stopping gambling. And my condolences to all the suffering. ❤️