I have gambled on slots since 2008, started with what I thought at the time was a massive win over a 3 week period, I continued to gamble, lost the lot and spiralled into debt. Fast forward to 2017, I had an enormous 6 figure win, and over a 6 month period I gambled the whole lot and ended up even deeper in debt, I realised how sick I was to lose such an amount of money but the spiraling debt didn’t stop me, I tried everything to stop, attending GA, hypnotherapy, CBT and even attending a residential retreat for female gamblers, that worked for a while but the feeling and need to gamble was still there, no strategy was going to stop me. One thing did happen though, I list total interest in land based casinos, I realised I was neither comfortable or safe and the desire that had once been so intense literally just left me. Even though I believed I have only gambled small amounts on and off for the past 12 months, yesterday I realised I no longer enjoy or get any pleasure from gambling. I have signed up with and installed Gamban on every device in my house (husbands included) but was frustrated that I could not install the app on my Chromebook, as a consequence I was able to access sites. Yesterday my Chromebook broke, and I have the same feeling now about online gambling that I had a few years ago with land based casinos. Today I studied my bank accounts and what I thought were only small deposits here and there have amounted to over 25k in the past year. I am horrified to think what I could have done with that money and the many times I was deprived of going on holiday, events out, new clothes, new furniture etc, the list is endless. There is a special once in a lifetime event I want to be part of in 2 years time, it is up to me now if I can be strong enough to save the money it will cost (at least 10k) or I will continue to be zombified behind a screen whilst sending my hard earned money to a greedy casino owner who will reap the rewards of my hard work, it’s entirely up to me now to stop for good, wish me luck. I genuinely realise despite the help, support and therapy (which were absolutely essential) the desire had to leave me, it is the only way I can stop. I do believe gambling is boring and it’s fine for me to move on. It’s only day 1 with a sincere and genuine desire to stop, I can honestly say the desire has been there in the past but it hasn’t been sincere because despite the losses and debt etc I enjoyed the thrill of the slots. I will keep posting to help my new recovery journey. Sending strength to all on this rocky journey.
hi Daffodil
Well done for getting back on the road. Maybe the timing wasn't right before and I wish you all the luck. It took me 44 years of working for nothing, well working for the bookies to finally stop.
@lp5vut869c Thank you Stuart, I can’t explain how I feel today other than maybe “liberated”..
For the past 18 years almost every breathing moment has been consumed by gambling, if I wasn’t sitting behind a machine I was thinking about how and where I would have my next gamble, I could write a book detailing the dark places this awful compulsive addiction led me to. Today I have realised it is the most monotonous and boring activity, I have realised my eyesight is damaged by watching the graphics, I am bored with running out of money and being reduced to “begging” an online agent for free spins or cash (the actual Shame of it), I am sick to death of staring at an empty bank account showing pennies to my name, I am embarrassed to having to make excuses to family when asked if I want to go out for meals, shopping etc and even worse having to ask for loans to pay essential bills and buy food, I am ashamed that I can’t afford to go away on holiday, my friends and work colleagues can’t understand why I don’t go anywhere and think I must be mega rich because I don’t spend any money!! And every other negative aspect including precious time I have wasted away from my family and friends, the social events and opportunities I have missed, it’s quite overwhelming. My earlier attempts to stop were because I tried for the sake of my family, now I am doing it because I sincerely want to. I have been in this position many times over the years and deep down knew it was only a matter of days before I would gamble again. Thankfully I have developed other interests where I can now invest my time and attention to and when I am working on my hobby’s gambling is no longer at the front of my mind. After having all the therapy etc I have received over the years, I now know for myself and I understand this is not the same for everyone that I would stop gambling when it no longer interested me.
I hope you are doing well in your recovery, 44 years is a long time but fabulous news that you are now gamble free, I wish you well as you continue your journey, you will be an inspiration to others and agree, none of us signed a contract to work with these thieves, they lured us in and we stupidly fell for their evil tactics! Like you Stuart, I am so glad to have seen the light now. X
Hi Daffodil
I really do need to apologise as it's so out of character for me. My mother in law needed picking up from hospital, I had four hours sleep before taking my daughter to the station, had counselling and went to see a house as our landlord is selling, met son of his school transport and then replied with a very short text between Gamfam zoom, chatroom on here and GA meeting online on no sleep. I shouldn't make excuses but I'm here now and present and will reply after rereading your first very open share and 2nd one.
I really don't want to offer advice and I promise you if you want to talk more I can meet you in one of the chatrooms on here or talk through this topic entry but only if you want.
From my own story, I went to GA 33 years ago through intervention. I gambled before the meeting and after. It also wasn't the right room for me. At the age of 56 I walked into my second GA meeting which was a life changer. I've been to 9 different rooms since November and a lot of online. They haven't all been right for me and some I've not gone back to. It might be your timing wasn't right or it was the wrong room for you. A combination of everything I do has worked for me but im not saying it would work for anyone else. I knew I was completely broken. I knew I couldn't tell one more lie. I knew where I was heading so I stopped. I don't want you to suck eggs but in case any of the below works for you, this is what I do and work to a routine
Gamcare, reading and posting on here and going to chatrooms
Counselling which I got free of charge through Gamcare by speaking to the advisors
Gamfam zooms
Get evive app gambling recovery
The modern meeting online
GA live and online meetings.
Listening to podcasts on recovery, gambling but also drink and drugs even through I haven't had a problem at all with them
Walking and exercise
Working on my mental wellbeing and retraining my brain
Journaling
Connection and speaking to people being open and honest
I write a daily topic on here under a film story
Two items that really helped me on here, I wrote out my life story on here called my story and also a letter saying goodbye to gambling called dear bookmakers. It was so good to get it out and share it with other people.
@tuc5nbpql4 i resonate with alot of this stuff i remember visiting family and i couldnt buy the kids ice cream it felt humilating after blowing £100s just before i visited them i use to be in hiding and just avoiding friends and family some of the people knew and couldnt understand why i kept repeating the process i had time when i did go out with friends and i would lie to them however i was able to keep this face up fortunately as i lived at home i always had food but life was generally miserable i did improve in terms of finances as i realised i would lose everyrhing so i started taking advice from other people who gambled to pay bills etc i would give one of my close friends who knew about my addiction to save some money which i would later regret has i would always have some short fall sadly i manage many years doing this until my last relapse i took a loan out to gamble which i never did before it was the worst thing i did at the time but ended up being the best thing to happen to take my recovery seriously i made my decision on that day if i continue on i wont be able to come back from this it was the first time i felt fear and i was just numb after i didnt feel anything for the next couple of days it was like a tradegy it was the same night i joined the chatroom on here and recently hit 1000 days in terms of how i feel it the same as i did on day 1 i have also become more aware and catious in my approach and even getting these urgues from time to time disgust me i know its not a healthy approach and i am still trying to balance everything out however this addiction is not a joke and i would rsther take extra precautions then no precautions at all
@tuc5nbpql4 thank you for sharing - I totally resonate. Feel like I’m reading my own thoughts. I’m also a woman and I feel there is almost an added layer of shame that I can’t ever get over. You’re not alone, I’m right there with you. Back to day 1.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
