Need to get my life together

Hello.

I am new to GA but not to gambling. I have gambled on and off for about 10 years.

Like many, I have promised myself and my family numerous times that I would stop. I tell myself that there is nothing I can gain from gambling, that it's behind me and come to terms with my losses.

However, somewhere along the line I forget all that, I block out the past experiences and start up again. It always starts small, but quickly escalates into reckless gambling behaviour.

At the time of writing this post I have just lost all the money I had gambling online. I feel sick and totally consumed by these thoughts. I have other things I should be focused on, but can’t get my head together to do any of them.

During my latest binge I had many opportunities to walk away having lost nothing. When I’m up I feel invincible and the money I win is never enough. When I’m down, I can’t handle the loss and go chasing. What I realise now is that it’s not about the money. Winning money or chasing money is just an excuse to keep gambling.

I know that at some point I will come to terms with this latest binge and become motivated to put things right. It’s interesting that all of my gambling binges result in motivation to get my life together - something I seem to lack normally. The frustration, guilt and shame I feel becomes my fuel.

I know there is a part of me which craves the chaos which gambling provides. I have no reason to be depressed. I have the opportunity to live a great life but my state of mind is not allowing me to do so. So, by throwing it all away gambling I get the opportunity to start again and am forced into feeling motivated and driven. The problem is this drive is short lived and I soon go back to feeling how I was and this is when I am vulnerable to gambling. This is very scary to me and something I feel I must address as soon as possible.

Thanks for reading. Any thoughts or advice would be very welcome.

P