new to the site

Day 9. Arter a charity lunch yesterday and a few glases of wine, still did not gamble yesterday evening. Still feeling positive. Best wishes to all

There's a thread in the overcoming gambling section asking for stories from anyone who has managed to give up and sort out the mess they are in all without divulging the problem to those closest to them. To date there aren't any replies which is pretty telling. Most of those here in long term recovery found the real recovery began with coming clean and it's standard advice almost anywhere else you can look. You've already found over and over that what you're currently doing isn't working. What are you going to change to make the outcome different next time?

Lethe wrote:

There's a thread in the overcoming gambling section asking for stories from anyone who has managed to give up and sort out the mess they are in all without divulging the problem to those closest to them. To date there aren't any replies which is pretty telling. Most of those here in long term recovery found the real recovery began with coming clean and it's standard advice almost anywhere else you can look. You've already found over and over that what you're currently doing isn't working. What are you going to change to make the outcome different next time?

Lethe, I thought the point of this site was to support and offer encouragement to those wishing to stop gambling. I have to say that the vast majority of posts do this but I found yours rather condescending. As you will see I am relatively new to the site and I joined as I was fed up with losing money, which whilst I could afford to lose it, wanted to put it to better use. I fully understand that if gambling has put us in debt then it is only right to let your significant other know, as that also affects them, but we all have different circumstances. This is the first time I have decided that Iwant to stop gambling for good; in the past I just chose to stop or got bored of it, but would be drawn back weeks or months later. I would invariably lose and be iritated with myself for having wasted the money. So I have joined the site and find it helpful to post how I am doing and read other posts. However, my concern with your post is that if I was a negative person your comments could be construed as, what you are trying to do won't work, so why bother. Fortunately, I am generally a positive person and will continue my efforts to quit. Others have also commented that in most instances one should tell those closest to us about the problem gambling, but ultimately it is our own call. Less judgemental and more supportive, don't you think. I think that a lot of people new to the site will be vulnerable, harsh or condescending comments may deter them from returning to the forums which is definately not helpful.

You posted for advice on an open forum and I gave it. How you choose to interpret the tone and content is up to you but consider giving what's been said by others at least some more thought. If you read round the site you'll find it's often said and even more often proved that nothing changes if nothing changes.

Yes you will see all replies babapapa and lethe means very well I can assure you.

We care about you and you will see some tougher and frank talking. In that sense its better than soft platitudes Its great that you are on the forum and you must take on board what you are ready to deal with. Im sure you understand that people are going through the recovery process and they know what works and they worry for you...thats all

Its just something for you to think about and they are not designed as personal attacks so please dont get upset in any way.

You can only deal with it as you wish to. I admire your positivity and Im hoping that you will build on that. I like the aims you have set but its just that others worry about the power of addiction and like to tell you that it gets a whole lot easier for the days to rack up if the blocks and monitoring are there. Thats all really.

It may well be that you can set these aims and use a good dose of willpower. Im glad you are here and all you can do is keep talking about it and look forward to reaching your aims. I understand that its difficult to tell a partner and that is your decision to make

Joining this forum is the best start you could have made.

Best wishes

Hi babapapa

You are right in that you ultimately decide how you are going to deal with your own issues. It's your life and you will have to deal with the consequences of whatever action you take or do not take. If you called the helpline we would not tell you what to do, but we would encourage you to consider the consequences of each course of action. The 'to tell or not to tell' thread in the debates section may help you consider the options. So might reading the stories in the families and friends section.

Joydivider is right in that forum users do have strong views and they are entitled to express them here on the forum, just as you are to deal with your addiction in your own way.

We really hope you stick around and continue to find the forum useful.

Best wishes

Forum Admin

Ok maybe I was a little over sensitive. I consider myself a reasonably intelligent individual and I am more used to giving advice rather than receiving it in all other aspects of my life, so Lethes comments annoyed me as I felt there was a lack of empathy. However I do appreciate that most people offering advice have far more experience than I when it comes to what works for the majority when trying to stop gambling. So I shall continue using the forum and thank those who take the time to respond.

Hi babapapa,

I have read the posts on your thread with considerable interest.

One thing that binds us all here is a determined willingness to try and control our corrosive addictions by going gambling free, day to day, forever. I believe that is our collective goal.

What I've found most refreshing here on the Gamcare forums (and, daresay similar forums elsewhere) is the refreshing openness and honesty abound. From the stark situations we have found ourselves in, to the honest, sometimes brutally honest, and always well-intentioned advice.

As the Forum Admin post correctly intoned, some of us have particularly strong views (I included) but provided they are imparted in the right spirit, that's absolutely fine.

In my view, Lethe was making an interesting point to you, having considered and identified the vicious cycle that you had found yourself in, and offered food for thought as to how you might consider breaking it. Specifically, he talked about your potential 'coming clean', if you felt that would be constructive in your situation; it might not be. He stated, honestly, that living with secrets might not help you break your cycle in the long term. However, the point was to make you think about it.

I would say he has achieved his aims! And that has to be good for you, because the more you think about every aspect of why you gamble has to be a good thing. Joydivider made exactly the same point in his post, above! Whether you agree with Lethe is a moot point; it doesn't matter in the slightest.

In my opinion, your preceived lack of empathy from Lethe is irrelevant. I must confess, I'm not a 'tea and sympathy' person either, and 'sugarcoating' will never be my style. Like Lethe (and correct me if I'm wrong, Lethe!) I prefer helping my fellow recovering gamblers with straight talking advice and suggestion. Not everyones cup of tea; but feedback generally suggests it's helpful (although, I re-iterate, not everyone's cup of tea).

Now, you might still be a bit angry about Lethe's comment (that, in all sincerity, I found hard-hitting, entirely reasonably and proportionately so, but that's me), but here's the thing.

Redirect that anger at the gambling that has previously so blighted your life (and mine, and so many others on here).

Let this be a motivation for you to keep off this insidious, nefarious and odious activity. You are on Day 14 now. Keep focussed on what really matters here - that's to keep gambling free.

And, don't forget, we are all trying to help each other here. Let's keep it respectful; direct any blame, anger, and the rest of it, at the gambling. Remember, intregrity and respect is paramount. Let's look out for and support each other 🙂

Thanks, Mix 🙂

Nail on head there. I'm not the CG in the house but walking on eggshells round him did neither of us any good at all so now I don't. CG's live in a foggy dreamworld and left unaccountable to anyone but themselves can justify all sorts. A lot here will admit a few months down the line that advice they thought harsh on arrival is exactly what they needed to hear and are grateful they listened but as always it's up to the individual to take it or not.

Just one point - I was a laydee last time I looked. Don't think it's changed in the meantime 😉

Hi Lethe and Mixer, I am really grateful for both of your posts.

Firstly to Lethe, I did initially take offence to your post and responded too quickly without thinking and for that i do appologise. I accept you have no motive on here other than to help understand why your other half fell in to this horrific situation and to help him AS WELL AS OTHERS get out of it. It did just worry me, hence my thread CARE TO REPLY that someone tentatively seeking help in the early stages, may feel that the strong words hit such a note that they were scared to return to the forum. I know that would never be your intention, and perhaps I should not have responded until I had the experience you have in what works and what doesn't.

Hi Mixer,

Many thanks for your response aswell. As you know I have joined your magnificent group of 23, which will hopefully rise, and as you say 2 weeks gamble free; Hey!! Perhaps we all feel that we are slightly different, the measures needed to fight the addiction are different for us than others. This is the first time I have tried seriously to stop gambling. I know it is only 14 days but what I have done so far has been sufficient. If i can continue and post in 20 years time "Hi Mixer 7300 days gambling free" it may be unusual without other help, but I am determined to do it.

Hi baba, don't let that determination be your undoing! I am over 2 years 'clean' from gambling, have very few urges & know I can never gamble again but something is missing, something other people working their recovery have found. Consequently, I have this week walked me & my open mind through the doors of GA with every hope that it will be able to help me move forwards.

We are all different but the program is tried & tested & my stinking thinking was never enough on it's own. There are no prizes for going it alone so if nothing else just be prepared to consider other options.

Congratulations on your 1st 14 days, keep adding to them - ODAAT

Ho Odaat, congratulations on 2 YEARS free, that is amazing. I am interested as to why and grateful that you are, still on the site. Your experiences will be invaluable to others such as me in the early stages of recovery. Does continuing to post, even after 2 years, keep you focused on what you have achieved and do you think it is esssential or at least helpful, in keeping you on the straight and narrow. Did you go back to GA this week after a break, or have you visited on a regular basis?

Hi Baba, this site has been my place of safety & the people I have 'met' here have enabled me to accept that addiction is not just about money.

Until now, I have done recovery my way with a huge helping of support both on & off the site from my now husband and people that I have met here. I don't think I need to be here to stay gamble free but after 3 decades of damage, I'm not taking any chances!

I went to my 1st GA room with day@atime about a year ago, it was a 2 1/2 hour drive & it took me another year to walk back through the doors with him and another GC member. There's a reason why there are people in the rooms that have been going for years, that they say they owe their presence in this world to their recovery program.

As has been mentioned, I had a very different take on things when I 1st arrived here. In the early days, I thought I was different, disagreed with posts I read, advice I was given & was truly grateful that @ the end of each gamble free day, I felt like I had achieved something. Recently I have accepted that I need more & having felt the magic in a GA room before, I believe that that is my best shot. I'm not sure if I would have believed what I'm writing now all those months ago so all I will say is, don't dismiss anything & try not to take anything personally.

Hi baba

No problem 🙂 The OH is getting on for three years gf now (as far as I can tell) and everything I have learned (very,very steep curve) has been very hard won over those years but it's all stuff that works and he's not alone in doing it.

ODAAT - Excellent work. Mr L very rarely misses his GA meeting. As he says it's working and he's not going to change anything that does. Guess the proof of it is in those still attending with decades worth of gf time under their belts.

Hi ODAAT and Lethe,

Thank you both for your advice, the more time I spend on this site the more I learn.

Happy holidays!!