Advice please!

Hi and welcome...
What a dilema for you..
I suppose legally if your mum is of sound mind etc...then there's not much you can do...
Totally agree that it wil all end in tears. ...
I'm wondering if age concern could help....
Give gamcare helpline a ring....I'm sure they will offer advice...
Good luck love

Thanks for the reply. And yes, my mum is of sound mind in legal terms though she's burying her head in the sand over this situation. Glad to see you're looking forward to Christmas and feel at peace with yourself. It gives me hope that things can get better.

I'm sorry to see your brother has lost so much to his addiction...
And it's terrible that your siblings won't help you protect your mum...
I don't want to scare you but if he's lost so much already ....and is still in denial about his addiction....it's not a case of if he steals from mum....it's when !
I'm truley at a loss at what advice I can give you love....please ring the gamcare helpline....they'll do there utmost to guide you...
Meanwhile....if you need a rant...a cry....or a hug....someone's always here x

Hi Ann

Thats a real dilema for you.

I was going to say would your mother live with an alcoholic or drug addict because thay are similar addictions to gambling in many ways

You say he does have a drinking problem as well.

I agree with your thinking. An active gambler with access to investments and other finances could be on a manipulative and uncontrolled path. I dont know the full situation but its very difficult if your mother is considered of sound mind.

I think you should make your mother aware how dangerous gambling addiction and linked debts are. If she has any view that heavy gambling is just silly......she needs to see it clearly for what it is. A gambler with debts will find that situation a comfort zone which reinforces further gambling

I wouldnt let a gambler get access to my finances and Ive been a gambler. I wouldnt be happy living with an active gambler

Give gamcare a ring and any other advice or support you can get

I dont know what you can do but maybe dealing directly with your brother would be better. I dont fully understand why he would have access unless your mother is very elderly or cant cope. I dont understand the arrangement there and it seems strange. Is there no family support for you?

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thanks so much both of you for your wise words. I'll certainly try the helpline - but even if there's nothing practical I can do to change this awful situation, it's such a relief to be able to talk about it with people who understand how serious this is. The worst thing has been trying to cope with my whole family's bizarre state of denial - whenever they get together they make small talk about every subject under the sun, except for the huge elephant in the room which is my brother's addiction problems. Makes me want to scream!!

Thanks again. I really do appreciate your support.

Ann

x

Sorry to hear it. FWIW, a few thoughts but these are just thoughts, take what you will.

The people to discuss this with is your mother and your brother, it's no good trying to get other siblings or friends or third parties to wave magic wands and change thinking. It won't happen. I get the head against brick wall aspect of this but state truth as you see it. Your brother has a serious gambling addiction and has been or will be tempted to resort to gambling her money. Don't get bogged down in denial.

If you wish to effectively protect your mother's position, that would involve reporting your concerns to the correct outside agencies and there will be consequences. Not from your reporting, but from what it is that you are reporting. It will be a reality check when reality is being denied. So you need to be prepared, hence the usual advice to call GC, get to GamAnon meetings and generally to get support to help you to deal with your situation.

If your mother has signed a Lasting Power of Attorney or an Enduring Power of Attorney in your brother's favour, then the agency to contact is the Office of the Public Guardian. Link below:

https://www.gov.uk/report-concern-about-attorney-deputy

If there's no Power of Attorney, then he may have access to her bank account by way of a Third Party Mandate. Or it may be a joint account. Write to the bank's head office quoting her name, address, the account number or if not, her DoB and NI number if possible, and tell them that you have safeguarding concerns and that there may be financial abuse.

Loxxie's right about Age UK, look at their website and you'll see that they have a link for concerns about elder abuse. Finally, Adult Social Services at the local council, ask for her needs to be assessed. You may also consider telling her doctor.

Hope this helps but first and foremost, look after you.

CW

Thanks so much CW, that's really helpful. My goodness, I'm NOT alone after all!! Besides your suggestions, should I consult my mum's financial adviser? I don't know if there's anything he can do but I feel he should be aware of the situation especially as I know that my brother has been in touch with him to get some of mum's investment portfolio released.

I'm sounding like this is all about money which it isn't. It just seems to me that my mum giving my brother full control of her finances is akin to handing him a loaded shotgun. I'm just beside myself with worry about where this is all going to end.

Hi,

It may be too late for the last lot but you can prevent repetition by telling the FA the exact nature of your concerns in writing. He will have compliance requirements and he should be regulated. You could ask him to confirm his authority for acting on your brother's instructions rather than your mother's.

However, if you do report, tell your mother and your brother that you have done it and why, don't get bogged down in your own secrets. If there is nothing to hide, then in theory your brother won't mind showing you your mother's bank statements. However, the reality is that you might be alienated and you should be prepared for that.

Take care of you.

CW

Thanks CW. Well I couldn't be more alienated than I already am so I'll take your advice.

So comforting to be in a place where people can actually talk about this stuff.

x

Hi and welcome to the forum, it's a difficult situation for you but under the care act 2014 your mother is classed as a vulnerable adult , local authorities and the NHS work together and have safeguarding leads in place were you can discuss your concerns. If your brother steals from your elderly mother it could be classed as financial abuse. You also have to look after yourself in all of this and you will get some good support from people on here which I think you are already benefiting from . Best wishes and I hope you can sort it x

Hi Ann, welcome 🙂

I see you've already had fantastic advice but I would like to add something that a few months ago I would not have expected to write.

As a bit of background my mother & I are both compulsive gamblers, she won't admit it but the family (my Nan) know as she has gone cap in hand so many times, I kept mine hidden. Both of us have manipulated thousands out of my Nan over the last probably 50 years for my mum & 30 for me. Mine has all been done very sneakily, inheritance, bogus needs, property deposits & I've always paid back every penny I ever 'borrowed'. My mum on the other hand has also lied, begged, stolen, borrowed, promising to pay it back, made my Nan pay way over the odds for any dinners she gets her, petrol money, every last bit of shopping she ever gets her & insists that my Nan doesn't tell me. She rarely paid her back but didn't want her worrying me apparently & so I got kept in the dark until Nan ran out of money/broke down & the problem became mine.

A few weeks ago, I came clean to my Nan & we have had a couple of very frank discussions since. During one such talk, after years of being embarrassed to be my mother's mum, to my complete astonishment, she has now forgiven her. The company that my mum is now providing my Nan is worth more to her than any pension pot!

I guess what I am trying to say is, try not to get too bogged down in the money. I can see how hard it is to see her 'killing' your brother & throwing away her legacy but sounds like you're the only sibling with your head screwed on here so you may need to think about backing off. What's more important, a relationship with your mum or trying to save her money?

You're not the enemy here but you can't help people who won't accept help so make sure you are looking after you - ODAAT

You have had some great advice and I think you have to act on your concerns.

I still dont fully understand the access to your mothers accounts. Personally speaking my parents would be very defensive about their money especially given my track record. I cant ever imagine them doing that unless they werent coping at all or were not of sound mind. My sister is an accountant and the white sheep so Its not a situation I will ever face

I can see their fears about getting older the kids taking over and they often voice it in not so subtle ways.

So its another example of the real dangers of gambling. What it does to families is drag them in to a nightmare. Its a horrendous situation because it brings all the implied overtones of people getting greedy about inheritances and sibling rivalry. I really do feel sometimes that money is the root of all evil

As others say I think you have to do something but I dont know the extent of the relationship. Again Im very confused because if your mother has her own strong mind it is up to her what she does with it. I dont have all the jigsaw pieces so she may or may not be being manipulated. I wouldnt associate the traits of a gambling with honesty though and gambling is the most irresponsible thing to do with money. Thats a fact.

Having said that I know gamblers can be and are manipulative. I have to feel some shame that I was using my parents as a back up to reinforce a gambling habit. I didnt directly mean it but thats an addictive habit and they were the go to position when skint. I understand your fears that its all too easy to see another source of money as temptation.

So its ultimately a decision thats very personal to you but there is support and you may need counselling over this. This is the misery that gambling causes.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thanks so much everyone. I just wish I could get my brother to join this forum. But he's never been able to talk about his feelings throughout his adult life. No-one in my family does. It's all stiff upper lips. Emotions are for sissies 🙁 It breaks my heart because we were so close growing up (that's us in my profile pic) and now he's gone from being a high achiever (flying to Chicago for business meetings, golfing in Florida, ski-ing in Whistler) to being a complete zombie. He was fired for "abuse of the company credit card" so I assume that was all down to his gambling. He was on a 6-figure income but no amount of money was ever going to be enough for him.

Perhaps ODAAT's right and I just have to back off because it's impossible to help someone who doesn't want help. Anyway, feeling the love here so thank you for that. I admire you for being here and confronting your issues. I know from my brother's situation what a very brave and difficult thing that is to do. And my brother's never been a brave sort of person.

x

Ann, if your brother is running scared from something, he will feel that alcohol & gambling give him strength & may not even recognise it is killing him.

I would definitely recommend getting along to an AlAnon or GamAnon meeting...These are meetings for people coping with loved ones who have an addiction & as well as practical advice, you will get real life support as you try & move forwards with this.

I'm nervous for you because I don't know where families stand with inheritance tax down the line, so think you should continue to get as much advice as you can. But I'm also thinking 'keep your friends close & your enemies closer' because you will be far better placed to protect your mum from a position of trust. Addiction may have already stolen your brother, but he may also be fighting to get out & I think you've more chance of getting through as an ally. Either way, if you have the strength to extend the olive branch to your mum, there's a good chance she's going to need you if he doesn't get help.

Stay strong - ODAAT