Oh no

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Down and out.

I started right back at the beginning of your diary.
You sounded like my OH years ago when his gambling was at "height".. (well when I found out anyway)..

You can do this you have done this. You need to do this. Not for anyone. Not for your partner family anyone but YOU!!.

Life is hard. Life is unfair but unfortunately it doesn't owe you anything. You will not get anything handed to you
I think my OH thinks the world owes him riches and financial standings because he has always worked, and harder than most.

Be happy with what you do have. Appreciate the small things in life and believe it will get better because it can ALWAYS get worse.
Stay strong. It's hard when we can't always reply fast to people's forum posts but there's hundreds of people daily crying for help.

Post on other people's. Seek advice. Read odaat 's diary. Cynical wife. Their amazingly powerful statements of love and triumph.

This will be you life. Unless you don't want this life anymore.
Do you? Close your eyes and Imagine.
Then do it for yourself. No one else can.
Good luck

Thank you so much for that and taking the time. Just needed something and was in a bad place earlier. Sorry for being so .childish .i am just so disappointed with myself. I hope I learn. I have to. Thank you.

Well it's the afternoon after the week before.

Firstly apologies for embarrassing and childish posts last night. I was in a state.

Where do I go from here. Had some emotional moments this morning with the OH. She doesn't quite know the extent of the damage yet but knows it's bad. I know I don't deserve her.

I was doing so well in one way but if I'm honest I hadn't really addressed the causes. For some if they are GF their lives seem to fit back into place. Not me. I still have lots of issues to address. Where does this self destruction come from? Why don't I allow myself fulfilment ? What is wrong with being close and open with someone? How can I be both confident and full of insecurity at the same time? One thing at a time I know. Stay GF and at least something changes for the better and life is less complicated and hurtful to others.

I will go for some counselling, hand over finances. Blockers are in place. But I know in time I must find a solution to the problem of living.

Apologies again for my petty outbursts last night. I begin again and support you all.

You have to start at day 1

Your not coming here writing for answers because everyone's questions maybe the same but everyone's needed answers are different.

My OH still isn't addressing the issues. I can see he is want for us to be ok, his actions for us to be ok. But we won't be unless he takes my feelings into consideration.

You've chosen to say yes. You have chosen to listen to the voice. Be honest. Open to your partner and communicate. Own up to the full extend of destruction your choice has caused and learn to say no.

Odaat has a diary entry where she thought she could go to the city. But she couldn't. The urge was strong. Do you know what she did? She said hell no and went home. She didn't fool herself to a coffee or walk past she said no and went to her safe place, her house.

Dark days will always follow. I'm living in the dark days as your partner.
I'm angry. Biter sad. But no amount of promises and fiction will make me feel better. He promised to talk. He did not promise to stop gambling but to talk before the idiot brain took over.
We are now lost. For how long I don't know. Forever? I don't know. Talk to her. Like you talk to us.

Like me u seem to know what you need to do and have already begun to put those things in place to ensure success. We've clocked up significant days before and we can do it again. But even better! Not giving up on giving up.

Hi Down & Out, sorry for the slow response but I'm not around so much these days. Sorry to hear you relapsed but great that you are back & I really do hope that you close all the doors this time? You started counselling, what happened? It certainly reads like you learned a lot but until you accept that for us, the thought of the return to controlled gambling is tantamount to throwing ourselves under a bus, you will forever struggle to stay safe! Did you go back to the meeting after Cov said it wasn't as intimidating once admissions to be being beaten by gambling were made.

You should not have access to your finances until you are stable in your recovery as basic damage limitation. For me it was also a huge deterrent because the way I surrendered mine meant a massive tangled web of real lies if I did gamble & whilst I was more than prepared in the early days to lie by omission, fabricating them seemed almost criminal! You need the broken triangle to take temptation away! There's no point working all the hours you do to line the pockets of unscrupulous money makers...Money doesn't buy us fun, it buys misery!

Your relationship with money will improve once your relationship with yourself does & that can only happen by facing your fears head on & addressing them - ODAAT

Hi down & out. Thanks for posting on my diary. We are quite similar in our achievements of a year keeping away from this addiction. It is a fantastic achievement and you are a winner for doing that. Now we are battling to go again. I always say the number of days does not matter as each day has to be taken with great pride for keeping away from our darksides.

Keep working on your strengths as reading this thread you are stronger than you think.

Have a lovely weekend.

Hello friends. I'm away at the moment. 17 days GF. Just checking in really. Still feeling the losses.#the last time. Wishing strength to everyone.

Hi there Down and Out, just checking in with you hope all is ok. You were the first person to comment on my diary on my return 4 and 1/2 months ago and I was just reading through it so decided to see how you're doing.

All the best

Hello again friends.

I am crawling back from under my rock after a spectacular fall. Having had a long period of not gambling I returned to it recently deceiving myself into believing that I could control my gambling and that I could even claw back some of the money I lost over the years. It worked for a while but then the bets got bigger, the compulsion stronger and I was unable to stop. From sports betting back to roulette and then hammered everything even a loan I took out in the middle of this episode of madness.

it is amazing how the brain can deceive us into rationalising behaviours telling me that I didn’t really have a problem any more after I cashed in a few decent wins. But of course I have a problem and I knew that it was only a matter of time before it would catch up with me.

Well it has now. I’m not full of pity, self-hate or rage. It’s just absolutely c**P. I should have posted before the event not after and recognised what was going on but of course I didn’t want to recognise it.

it’s great isn’t it to read through all the inspiring posts in the forum. They really do give a lot of strength.

I suppose there are others on here like me who don’t bet or haven’t bet every day but when they are in the zone it descends into the same consequence as like all compulsive gamblers I don’t know when to stop and then it’s too late.

I’ve been trying to educate myself in the last few days about the brain, how dopamine works etc and it’s really fascinating when you start to learn about it. The dopamine high is in the unpredictability of the event and not the winning or losing. It is the high of anticipation and what might happen that clouds our rationality and literally overrides the willpower and decision making that we possess. And as we become wired differently we want to return to those kicks - the urges kick in. Gambling addiction has similarities in this respect to drink and drug addiction.

To me this fits in to developing more meaningful lives through our relationships and hobbies etc and our connections with people. It’s easier said than done however and takes many conscious efforts to change. Sometimes life and situations make this hard but reading other posts is inspiring and makes me think real change is possible. Hopefully this time.

I did have therapy previously and it really helped and I’d recommend it to anyone. Certainly it helps in the process of self-forgiveness and just talking openly and honestly is very liberating for deceiving people like us!

Anyway I am rambling and just thinking out loud and trying to move forward from my recent fall.