Hi,
I'm new to this. My partner has been a gambler for a very long time but has only really recently admitted that it's a massive problem.
I work part time and study. My partner gets a benefit and works part time. Very limited income. However, he has never given me any money to contribute towards household costs or anything.
I've recently asked him to start contributing and he has said that at the start of our relationship (different circumstances) I never asked him for money. He also says he doesn't cost that much to 'keep". I've tried explaining that's not how it works but he keeps going back to me saying I didn't need him to contribute 5 years ago.
So, he's just started putting money into my spare bank account. Approx a third of his money a month. I them have to transfer a set amount to him every week. This is fine and I don't have an issue with helping out this way.
We had a big conversation recently about the gambling, him contributing financially to the household. It started off well. He knows he has a problem. He then tells me I don't understand how big of a problem it is. I've asked questions to try and understand the scope of the issue and he gets very defensive to the point he's making little digs about my lack of empathy and I must be c**P at my job if I don't understand his situation.
I suggested looking online to see what other people do and said I would look to see what others in my situation do too. He was completely dismissive. He doesn't believe in GA and said he's tried online forums etc before. He also doesn't want me looking into things as he thinks it is a waste of time.
His plan is to wean himself off gambling slowly but my logic is that if he put all his money out of access then he just wouldn't be able to gamble. By giving him money, even if it is his every week, surely I'm enabling the issue to continue? Things got a little heated and after several digs from him which I didn't respond to, he said I should give him credit for trying, I snapped back, does he want a medal. I'm aware that thus probably wasn't appropriate but he jumped on that one comment and is now blaming me for the entire situation and says I'm gaslighting him.
I find this extremely frustrating, the fact that I've struggled for money and he has never helped out in anyway, that he refuses to get any sort or help anywhere. I don't really know where to start or what to do in this now.
Hi Topaz81,
It's extremely hard to reason with a gambling addict because they will blame you for their addiction whilst wanting a medal for saying all the right things that suggest change that never comes.
I'm a recovering addict but hopefully some of the family sufferers can give you some helpful guidance.
Kind regards.
Hi Topaz81 and welcome to the forum,
It's good that your partner has admitted to having a gambling problem but it does sound as if he's not yet ready or committed to stopping entirely.
The problem with him 'weaning himself off' is that he will still be gambling one way or another. You are quite right that the best option would be for him to transfer all finances to you and abstain completely. Unfortunately, you can't do it for him. He has to really want to stop and be fully committed in order for it to work.
Protect any of your own finances that he may have access to. He should be paying his way really too. It's not fair to expect you to keep him. It also frees up more of his own money for him to gamble with if he is not paying for his keep.
I feel for you as it is very difficult living with an addict. They can be very manipulative. Take care of yourself and contact the forum advisers for support if you would find it useful.
You're not alone. There are lots of people here who can relate to your story.
J
Hi @topaz81,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for taking the time to share your story.
Sorry to hear about the difficulties you have been facing regarding your partners gambling. Problem gambling can have a huge strain on affected others and it is not fair for you to go through this. Glad to see that your post has received some support and encouragement from forum members.
We understand how upsetting and frustrating it can be dealing with a loved one with a gambling problem. I would encourage you call our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or our 1:1 Livechat, we are open 24 hours. Our friendly advisors will give you the space to talk about your situation, offer support and advice to help you move forward in a positive way.
Best wishes,
Vanessa
Forum Admin
Hi,
I am new to this site and am a gambler.
I am also a recovering alcoholic 1 year 2 mths poison free.
I have only just come to terms with I want money rather than using it all like it’s not real money until it’s all gone.
it feels like it’s not real when I use it till it’s all gone then I’m stuck !
He needs to realise himself and want help can you show him this post to show him how concerned and worried you are ?
My experience is I only got in contact this week and the ball is rolling already I have blocked all gambling sites through registering on sites Gamcare given me. I have closed accounts too for good .
I am now just struggling with scratch cards in all the shops and not buying them everyday - I have yet to master this with my 1.1 help from Gamcare which I am just booking my first appointment for.
I wish u luck and hugs and hope ge sees what distress it’s causing you .
I’m here if u ever need to chat x
Mysis
Hi Topaz,
A CG cannot wean themselves off gambling, because the next winning bet is always problematic i.e. it gives a false sense of being on the right track e.g. 'my luck is back in'.
Like others have said, protect your finances at all costs. I can tell you from experience that a gambling addict can cross the line when it comes to needing money to feed the habit.
Of course you'll be the 'bad guy' until he really sees the bad path he's gone down. I think you need to be fairly firm though, or he (or more accurately the addict in him) will manipulate every situation to suit.
Good luck, James
Thanks for all of your responses. I had a chat with him last night and it went a little better.
He doesn't 'believe' in using the apps to block the sites online (his issue is all online gambling) because he's not a child. He also doesn't rate groups like this or GA, nor is he willing to contact anyone for help. He's said he's been there, done that etc. I've said I will help him once he's fully committed to stopping completely and not this half measure that he's doing right now.
He's also taking over paying for things that are in his name. My finances are secure and he has no access to them but I have been paying some of his bills. I've said I'm no longer willing to do this.
Part of the issue I think is that he only works very part time and it's not challenging enough. He's also just gambling the money straight away.
I've said I'm willing to support him but am not comfortable with giving him a gambling allowance weekly as this in enablement. He says it's not easy to just hand over all of his money as the idea of not gambling fills him with dread. I did ask how that would be any different to when he has no money left and actually can't gamble and could he not treat it like that.
I have never lent or given him any of my money to gamble with and I won't be in the future either. I grew up with a gambling parent and so I know how important it is that I'm in control of important bills and finances.
I also think that previously because of this I'd tried to avoid his issues or downplayed them to avoid confrontation.
Thanks for all of your responses. I had a chat with him last night and it went a little better.
He doesn't 'believe' in using the apps to block the sites online (his issue is all online gambling) because he's not a child. He also doesn't rate groups like this or GA, nor is he willing to contact anyone for help. He's said he's been there, done that etc. I've said I will help him once he's fully committed to stopping completely and not this half measure that he's doing right now.
He's also taking over paying for things that are in his name. My finances are secure and he has no access to them but I have been paying some of his bills. I've said I'm no longer willing to do this.
Part of the issue I think is that he only works very part time and it's not challenging enough. He's also just gambling the money straight away.
I've said I'm willing to support him but am not comfortable with giving him a gambling allowance weekly as this in enablement. He says it's not easy to just hand over all of his money as the idea of not gambling fills him with dread. I did ask how that would be any different to when he has no money left and actually can't gamble and could he not treat it like that.
I have never lent or given him any of my money to gamble with and I won't be in the future either. I grew up with a gambling parent and so I know how important it is that I'm in control of important bills and finances.
I also think that previously because of this I'd tried to avoid his issues or downplayed them to avoid confrontation.
Mmmm....If you think that's good enough, well OK. Whatever works for you guys.
From a GA's perspective, I don't believe that is going to solve the issue. I think he's acting like a child and playing the game. Also the very idea of a weekly allowance for a gambling addict is madness.
Sorry to come across very negative. But I have been at this stage with my wife and she is a caring person like you, who unfortunately was too trusting of me. I actually used to blame her (in my head) when I had big losses for not being firm enough with me and being easily manipulated.
Trust me - be as strict/intolerent as you need to be. He'll hate you initially, but what's the alternative? if you feed an addiction, it will never go away.
I get that totally. I have told him I won't be party to giving him a weekly allowance to gamble. Circumstances were due to change where I would have needed him to contribute to the household but I've decided the risk is just too great to do that now and have decided on an alternative. He's not happy about it. Part of the reason I decided this was because he stated that if he's contributing he has a right to know about my income and outgoings. Under normal circumstances I'd say he was right but I do feel like he wants that to be able to justify giving me less or nothing at all.
I have told him I will no longer pay any of his bills out of my income. He will now need to budget and allow for those things himself.
He's trying to use all of this as an excuse to make everything my fault which I am very aware of and I'm just not having it which makes for a very tense atmosphere at the moment.
I'm maybe being harsh but feels he doesn't want to change until he admits he needs help you may be wasting your time he is being very selfish and doesn't realise he lucky he is try not to get you down
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