Recovery - Trading Addiction

I couldn't think of a good name for this diary, so we'll go with 'Recovery'.

I've posted on a couple of other threads but wanted to start my own to hold myself to account. My issue has been trading (Forex / Spreadbetting / Bitcoin), I don't have any urge to go sports betting or into a betting shop / play fruit machines but I definitely have an issue dealing with the losses as well as a compulsion.

Started about 6 years ago, fairly tame at first a few hundred quid a month and was making a bit of money. Things took a turn when I did very well on Bitcoin in 2013/2014 and made a lot money.. I think I thought I was the master of everything but obviously rather than taking that money out I thought I could make more. Promptly losing it all over a few months.

This really started the issues, I was in a bit of debt and had already pictured paying it off with my Bitcoin money. When I started losing money I couldn't handle that I hadn't taken it out when I had the opportunity (and that's really the theme here I think).

I managed to get through tens of thousands of pounds of losses, mostly incurring debt as I'd take a loan out to cover the losses.. Eventually this obviously got too much and I couldn't take another loan out or really make the repayments.

I've been with StepChange for about a year for the debt and had been alright, although tight on money. I slipped up this month though which has prompted me to come onto the forums.

I'm not sure what caused it, I think possibly a combination of not having much money and having some trips coming up for weddings along with getting paid before the bank holiday weekend so I knew there was about a month between being paid and the bills going out.

Basically before I knew it I had opened a trading account and put money in. I knew it was stupid and I had a figure in my head that was when I would close everything / take the money out.

I hit that figure on Wednesday at 5pm.. But I didn't close anything. I was thinking it'll go just a bit more, then I'll definitely be alright as I'll have that extra £100, £200, etc.

Instead the market tanked and hit my stop losses. Again, I should have at that point thought to myself that I needed to get out. But I didn't.. I immediately started opening positions to catch a bounce and trying to make back the relatively small amount I'd lost.

Obviously (I thinking objectively about it now with everything I've learnt about risk management, etc) I should have walked away (or if I could actually trade without the addiction issues left it for a few hours) .. Instead I ended up wiping the account out.

That definitely triggered something, and I think the same inability to cope with the immediate loss I had with Bitcoin, and my only thought was "f#ck I had exactly enough why the f#ck didn't I just take it out an hour ago" so I did what only an addict would do and put more money in.

I've basically drained all my money within a week of being paid, and before most of my bills are due, so it's left my in a 100% worse position than I was when things were tight. I'm going to need to have conversations I don't want to have with people I owe money to and work out payment arrangements (this is going to leave me tight on money for the next 3 months so I need something I use to track my progress and not fall back into trying to trade for extra cash when its tight).

Anyway, that's my brief story - I definitely need to think about what I can do to replace trading with something more productive. It's taken over my life for the last 6 years to the extent that I can't really remember a time before it and don't really feel like I've present in life, work or relationships for at least the last 2-3 years.

I'll post some updates as things go along. I'm also going to look at getting some counselling from GamCare when they can see me.