relapse after relapse

Hi

I am back on here again , 2025 and 2026 seem to have been my worst years with gambling, i have had some luck in quitting the years before nothing to brag about as i've been an awful addict since i first place my football bet in world cup 2006, then i was hooked and i went from £5 bets all the way to £200 hands of blackjack to fuel spinning for a bonus and no amount i won was ever enough.

Yesterday i had my last £100 in my account i decided to play again and well i got hooked in ... guess where i am today £0 as i decided to quit after the win i headed back to my addiction this morning thinking oooo i can win again and well 20 years experience should of told me no no this is where you loose more than you win.

I'm writing this to try and make today where i draw the line walk away from staring at a screen watching brightlights and hoping for a scatter bonus , to stop me playing blackjack to give me enough to get a buzz of watching Australian Rugby league on a weekend morning swearing and beating myself up as the points weren't covered. I wish i did not have this addiction , where i could be right now without it. I guess i can only blame myself its me that has done this, i've let myself down my family down and im 44 years old i will be 54 once i have paid off £65000 of debt i really have wasted my life and offended those that supported me and gave me a good early life.

I think im here to express how im feeling tell myself off and try to make me change my ways, i dont want to feel this way and i want to be someone who can post i am free from gambling, i want to challenge myself to never gamble again , the buzz and excitement is nothing compared to feeling sick and wondering how to pay bills how to get through the month. The only thing is i have to keep going as i need to pay family back that have lent me money , who i have used different excused to borrow money through lying.