Ruined my life because of this

I started gambling at young age for entertainment and fun, probably around the age of 10 as I grew up around family and friends who gamble too. The usual it's fun and harmless until you get older and have access to more ways of gambling and money. The stakes get higher and the problem gets worse. I used it as an escape for various reasons growing up, mainly mental health. I'm not saying I've had the worst life but it should have or could have been so much different. I really hate that I've ended up like this. I'm coming up to 42 this year and have nothing to show for it money wise. I have friends and family but not a family of my own which I've always wanted, this is likely part of the reason, I've isolated myself and became very distant with my parents, bother, sisters, uncle etc over the decades. Living that double life which, some family members know but don't know how bad it is.

I've been on here many times in the past or GA, I think around the age of 20 when I started looking into my problem, I when to counciling but only saw a alcohol and substance specialist they I felt they couldn't relate at all and remember being uneasy at the one to ones trying to explain what I was going through and being told it's a choice yes it is but them not understanding the phycology did not help, I'm not saying I fully do but have recently what videos about the brain rewarding system etc which makes me understand a bit better why I keep coming back. I learn new things each time, how to block apps limit money etc and keep going back 10 steps. 

I had my own flat which my mom did help me with for a deposit, I was there for 10 years, I adopted 2 cats to help with my loneliness and depression, sold my flat just after COVID as I was planning on moving, but I didn't buy anywhere straight away as the market wasn't great,  the deposit money is gone and in now debts of 20k plus over the last few years, family helped me out numerous times. 

There's a lot more detail but too much to write.

In nutshell 

Life could have been a lot different in a good way 

Should have still had a house and not debt

Would still have my cats with me, love them to bit but it wasn't directly due the gambling with them not being/living with me.

Relationship with my parents and siblings would be stronger, I barely speak to them because of this as I'm always wanting to hide. My mom(she helps me with a lot of things, not super super close but I know the she loves me and I'm the same but don't always show it with this)is aware of the situation but still there are times when it's difficult to talk about it, but not what has happened in the last month. 

My friends have no idea, only some known I've gambled but not to this extent. 

Next few months will be challenging and could break me tbh, head is so messed up because of this, almost  3 decades trying to get through this, did and didn't really think I would end up here or in this situation, will be starting a DMP in a few months. Moments of Mads will ruining things just like that as most of you will know.

I'm putting this here as another new start and too try and rebuild again I know I will be tough and need to accept it will take time, I really need peace in my mind.

I really do hope kids these days are educated in the dangers and harm of gambling, even though haven't figured it out myself, it's unsetting seeing stories like this and more a more people getting sucked in it.

Rant over, everything mat appear jumbled but I needed to get this out there.

Gary