I'm a bit different...

Fair play for unburdening yourself. Always a difficult thing to do.

I’m no therapist so I can’t offer any insight to what troubles you.

But, I do hope you get some peace and understanding.

Hi Kylie

It was good to see you on the chatroom last night and it was so brave of you to post this morning. I am so glad you did and I hope you can feel good about it. Carrying those thoughts and not opening up is never a good situation to be in. Firstly you aren't alone. You are in the right place. There are people on this site with 20 years gamble free. We are all here to support each other. Many are struggling to stop addiction, some come each day to affirm their sobriety, some to give back to the community and remain present. Everyone is on here for the harm the addiction has done to ourselves and others.

There are a number of points you raise that I can resonate with. I am only 138 days gamble free but I lost my job as MD of a company I built for 26 years....read between the lines as to why, and I am saying that because i doubt anything you have done is unique. That's not to belittle it, but to say you are in the right place, I can assure you. 

I can hear you loud and clear about addiction manifesting in other routes. I gambled for 44 years and my addiction now tries to get me back to gambling (solution not problem) by encouraging shortcuts in life, reminding me of my past so I drop into self pity, becoming self centred, selfish, intolerant of others, impatient, greedy, inconsiderate and arrogant. In those states there is a pull to a solution rather than face up to the life ahead and whatever that leads to.

I don't know your circumstances and if you have received any counselling but through a referral on here, I received free counselling. With this counselling and through my GA meetings online and in person, I have learned that it's not about gambling. The problem was with Stuarts thinking and not facing life. Through various stages of my life I have escaped, felt lonely, felt not enough, been unhappy, immature and it's led me to the addiction. I now work everyday on improving that, one day at a time to be the best I can each day. If I do that, this is the solution and I don't need another one. I would suggest talking to the advisors on here and see if there is some help you can get or on the NHS through your GP.

Chatrooms, zoom meetings like Gamfam, in person GA meetings build a sense of community for me. To know I am not alone. To know that if I'm not in a good place I have people I can reach out to...people who understand....people who have been there....people who are always there for me and me for them.

Please keep coming back to the chatrooms and posting on here. Try reading some of the forum entries. They help to know you really aren't alone. The 8pm chatrooms are a family ! It's a tribe and we are very close knit which you are part of now that you came on last night. The lunch time chats and the extra ones that are themed aren't as busy but still worth going to. I go to everyone I can, along with a live or online GA meeting each night.

There is a fantastic meeting in America called the Modern Meeting which you can access via the get evive app. It's 1am UK time tomorrow morning but it's an incredible community. You don't have to share if you don't want to and you will be surrounded by people in their first week and many over 5 years. There is so much love and support in the room from all ages across the world.

The way i look at my past is that there were some awful things due to my own problems that led to gambling. I can either live in that past or use it to fuel me today. The past is history, the future is a mystery, today is a gift which is why it's called present. 

You are and always will be an addict it doesnt go away because youve stopped for ten days or ten years, its part of us all now.

Im over 1000 days now but i remember my first day here and how it opened my eyes to just how many people had been in situations and done things that i had done and that i didnt need to feel so crippelingly alone.

Just last night i was thinking about how my life might be and who might be in it if i hadnt lied cheated stole or alienated them. 

But you cant sit in those thoughts and feelings, you can come here as i did this morning and saw your post, and now im writing to you and we both feel better 

Crazy right? Lol 

I also babble, sorry about that 🙂

Thank you @djnugget @soomaroy and @Stuart... I really appreciate your words of encouragement and thoughts.  I have read and re-read them.  I am in the right place and hopefully I will be able to go on the chat this evening. Thank you again.

Posted by: @kylie66

↑

Hello,

My name is Kylie, which is actually my longterm nickname.  I am not sure if I should be here as I have been GF for a  long time and have no urges to return, at the moment.  However, saying this my addictions, just now manifest in different ways now. 

Gambling has wrecked everything for me, I was once the heart of my wonderful family but in secret I was someone else entirely different - always have been.  My husband found out by coming across a note book, where I had written  down all the money I owed.  It was shocking amounts.  Long story short, he stayed within the family unit for two years, however he had lost all his love and respect for me, he didn't trust me at all (rightly so - he payed off over the two years the debts I had accumulated) and decided to leave, he explained this was the reason why.  I was devastated.  Life after that has become very difficult and lonely, just full of further, different addictions. 

I am a dishonest person, who has spent so many years lying, deceiving and pretending to be someone who people 'may' like. I truly do not know who I am and never have done.  I just put on a mask daily.  I would be hugely embarrassed to tell you some of the things I have done.  It's almost unbelievable.  I should be locked up.

But deep down, real deep down, I know I am kind and compassionate. I love animals and would do anything to help them.  I have animals that visit daily for food - birds, squirrels, hedgehogs, stray cats and a fox at night.  So I know that I have some goodness in me.

I am just exhausted with my life, my lies, deceit and the thoughts of how I ruined it, in the pursuit of a 'happy life'.  Why did I gamble,  when we had plenty of money, not sure what I was hoping to get from it? 

My memories of my life, haunt me, I let down my children so so badly.  I wasn't a great single Mother, though I have done my best to make up for that over the years that followed. 

Not even sure what I want out of Gamcare, perhaps it's to be around people that understand addiction, how it works and what it does to you.  Perhaps to try and move on from my past? I am not sure.  Even in my mind now, I am thinking "I'm mad for posting this".  Scared of rejection and perhaps people rolling their eyes because I am GF at the moment.  Then I feel bad for writing that line.  I am just sorry for everything.  I hate myself.

Sorry if I have babbled on.

Kylie.

 

 

 

Posted by: @kylie66

↑

Hello,

My name is Kylie, which is actually my longterm nickname.  I am not sure if I should be here as I have been GF for a  long time and have no urges to return, at the moment.  However, saying this my addictions, just now manifest in different ways now. 

Gambling has wrecked everything for me, I was once the heart of my wonderful family but in secret I was someone else entirely different - always have been.  My husband found out by coming across a note book, where I had written  down all the money I owed.  It was shocking amounts.  Long story short, he stayed within the family unit for two years, however he had lost all his love and respect for me, he didn't trust me at all (rightly so - he payed off over the two years the debts I had accumulated) and decided to leave, he explained this was the reason why.  I was devastated.  Life after that has become very difficult and lonely, just full of further, different addictions. 

I am a dishonest person, who has spent so many years lying, deceiving and pretending to be someone who people 'may' like. I truly do not know who I am and never have done.  I just put on a mask daily.  I would be hugely embarrassed to tell you some of the things I have done.  It's almost unbelievable.  I should be locked up.

But deep down, real deep down, I know I am kind and compassionate. I love animals and would do anything to help them.  I have animals that visit daily for food - birds, squirrels, hedgehogs, stray cats and a fox at night.  So I know that I have some goodness in me.

I am just exhausted with my life, my lies, deceit and the thoughts of how I ruined it, in the pursuit of a 'happy life'.  Why did I gamble,  when we had plenty of money, not sure what I was hoping to get from it? 

My memories of my life, haunt me, I let down my children so so badly.  I wasn't a great single Mother, though I have done my best to make up for that over the years that followed. 

Not even sure what I want out of Gamcare, perhaps it's to be around people that understand addiction, how it works and what it does to you.  Perhaps to try and move on from my past? I am not sure.  Even in my mind now, I am thinking "I'm mad for posting this".  Scared of rejection and perhaps people rolling their eyes because I am GF at the moment.  Then I feel bad for writing that line.  I am just sorry for everything.  I hate myself.

Sorry if I have babbled on.

Kylie.

 

 

 

Posted by: @kylie66

↑

Hello,

My name is Kylie, which is actually my longterm nickname.  I am not sure if I should be here as I have been GF for a  long time and have no urges to return, at the moment.  However, saying this my addictions, just now manifest in different ways now. 

Gambling has wrecked everything for me, I was once the heart of my wonderful family but in secret I was someone else entirely different - always have been.  My husband found out by coming across a note book, where I had written  down all the money I owed.  It was shocking amounts.  Long story short, he stayed within the family unit for two years, however he had lost all his love and respect for me, he didn't trust me at all (rightly so - he payed off over the two years the debts I had accumulated) and decided to leave, he explained this was the reason why.  I was devastated.  Life after that has become very difficult and lonely, just full of further, different addictions. 

I am a dishonest person, who has spent so many years lying, deceiving and pretending to be someone who people 'may' like. I truly do not know who I am and never have done.  I just put on a mask daily.  I would be hugely embarrassed to tell you some of the things I have done.  It's almost unbelievable.  I should be locked up.

But deep down, real deep down, I know I am kind and compassionate. I love animals and would do anything to help them.  I have animals that visit daily for food - birds, squirrels, hedgehogs, stray cats and a fox at night.  So I know that I have some goodness in me.

I am just exhausted with my life, my lies, deceit and the thoughts of how I ruined it, in the pursuit of a 'happy life'.  Why did I gamble,  when we had plenty of money, not sure what I was hoping to get from it? 

My memories of my life, haunt me, I let down my children so so badly.  I wasn't a great single Mother, though I have done my best to make up for that over the years that followed. 

Not even sure what I want out of Gamcare, perhaps it's to be around people that understand addiction, how it works and what it does to you.  Perhaps to try and move on from my past? I am not sure.  Even in my mind now, I am thinking "I'm mad for posting this".  Scared of rejection and perhaps people rolling their eyes because I am GF at the moment.  Then I feel bad for writing that line.  I am just sorry for everything.  I hate myself.

Sorry if I have babbled on.

Kylie.

 

Learn to love yourself again. Reach out and let people help you. Look at your journey and how far you have came. Believe in yourself again and have faith Faith 

Learn to love yourself again. Reach out and let people help you. Look at your journey and how far you have came. Believe in yourself again and have faith Faith 

Learn to love yourself again. Reach out and let people help you. Look at your journey and how far you have came. Believe in yourself again and have faith Faith ❤️ 

Thank you Strength, I appreciate your reply. 🙏