Evening everyone,
I've been a long time lurker on here; signed up in 2012 and have gambled pretty consistently since then.
I've never gotten into money troubles yet as a result of gambling but lately (past 6 months) there has been a pattern of self destructive gambling in which I lose control of myself. Start with the aim of a nice few easy hands of blackjack, win some extra money and then withdraw.
As with most people who struggle with addiction, the issue comes when the losing begins. The aim suddenly becomes chasing back to where you started. That exhaustive, sad state of attempting to get back to where you would have been if you hadn't even placed that opening bet. Last night I did the same cycle; after little internal discussion I put ВЈ20 into one of the few sites I've currently got active (normal service is sign up to a new site, play a few times and then exclude) and did have a few wins which would have left me with a nice sum. But then you just don't stop. I'm an escapist gambler and can get into a trance until you then realise it's 4am and you've lost £150.
Woke up today tired on many levels and decided to take action. Told my wife (who is so supportive and an excellent person in my life) and put in place K9 on my PC. Looking to get it on my phone as well tomorrow (or a similar product) so I can break the link of being able to gamble.
I'm happy in many areas of my life now, gambling can always give me a route back to depression and despair and I've decided to take the reins rather than continuing to be a passenger.
My reasons for making a post on here is cathartic and to set a strong milestone for myself moving forwards. That anguished feeling upon waking up, the guilt and embarrassment of the losses is something I no longer want to frame any days of my future.
I'm taken the step of acknowledging that it's a problem and want to take remedial action and changes to my lifestyle in order to stop it from becoming catastrophic.
Hi ReSpinner,
Welcome to the Forum!
You sound very motivated to make changes and you describe having made a good start with blocking your computer and talking to your partner about your problem. You also sound very reflected. You know that gambling has worked as an escape for you for a while but that it now functions as a trigger for depression and despair, for feeling low about yourself.
Taking actions is an excellent beginning to recovery and you will need much strength to persevere. It is good to hear that you feel supported by your partner and I hope that you will find support here on this Forum, too. Our Helpline services are open from 8 am to midnight every day in addition to the Forum, which is accessible around the clock.
Helpline 0808 80 20 133
Netline http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline
Let us know how you are getting on in your recovery.
Kind wishes
Gabriele
Good decision gambling since 2012 on a consist basis will have done some serious amounts of money even if you do a tenner a week, over 5 years it soons mounts up. I have mainly stopped for 3 months and had a relspase and stopped again like today I lost 200 in the bookies and I feel annoyed I have money but I am not going back as it is very bad.
Thanks for the comments.
SMK I know the feeling. When I've been stuck in a cycle in the past I almost know for every waking minute of the day how much I'm up or down. Funny thing is its just a number when you're up that bears little financial meaning; when you're down the impact becomes real and tangible then the guilt and despair kick in.
My last binge caused me to lose £200; the feeling of how much that hurt isn't something I want to return to... it was the loss of control more than anything that hit me hard.
Since stopping I've read 'Tails I Lose' (amazingly I was embattled trying to justify spending £5 on it despite rinsing 20 times that the night before) and it was a excellent insight into the mind and reform of someone else who has trodden a journey of loss and recovery (albeit on a greater scale than my own).
The difference between my decision to stop this time conpaed to prior half baked attempts is that this time I want to stop; previously I thought I should. Feeling good so far and I hope you can take strength from your previous three month success and build on from your blip.
Haven't logged on here for a while but up to 57 days now according to my tracker. This is the longest I haven't gambled online or placed a bet probably for about 15 years! It feels good to be where I am now but I know that I'm going to need to continue to be vigilant and keep things in perspective.
It's amazing that when you take a step back, you begin to see everything a bit more clearly. I've become very aware of the absolute bombardment of advertising that wears away at you on a daily basis through tv, radio and internet. I felt awful after my first post back in mid March but time and a day by day approach have improved my state of mind and my finances massively.
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