The heavy decline

Hello everyone, thought I would share this. It's a story about a gambler (me) and how this year alone I have gone through almost £20,000 in gambling this year.

I have been gambling for years, getting worse as the years pass. It started with a quick go on fruit machines 15 years ago and ended up with gambling online. I know what I need to do to recover, but I wanted to share this to show how gambling can ruin someone. I was just typing this up for the dwp in case they ask where my money has gone as I am on disability benefits, but I decided to add a bit more to it and post it here.

I started 2016 with around £1500 in the bank and a good few months without a gamble. My mum suddenly became seriously ill in hospital and I really couldn't cope. Like an old friend who brings comfort, gambling seemed there for me. It allowed me some time just to not be as upset and to take my mind off things. Heavy losses were incurred totalling £3500, maxing my overdraft of £2000.

Mum sadly died and I can't explain how that felt. She was my last living parent and I couldn't deal with the loss well. Another family member offered to clear my overdraft while we were waiting for the inheritance to come through....Yep.... £2000 paid in.... within a week its £2000 out to Mr online slots.

The inheritance came through and it didn't bring any closure for me. I lost control big time and less than 8 hours after the inheritance of £20,000 went in, I gambled and lost £7000 of it.

I tried to protect the remainder as best I could by taking as much out as possible to store at home, but another £3000 became victim trying to chase losses before I could take a good chunk of money out.

So that's, £15,500 gone.

At the start of May, I still held on to wanting to pull it back and lost another £1000 trying.

It was about a week later where I tried to kill myself. The gambling loss, mums death and the isolation in life were all enough to make me feel I had to end things. That attempt failed but while I was in hospital it allowed me time to forget about chasing losses and just accept the money lost is gone for good.

I did very well then, almost 5 months until October without gambling a penny. Then it started again.

By this point after paying bills every month out of the inheritance I was down to my final £1000. I hit another low point in my life and after being spammed with gambling texts and emails I caved in. Lost that £1000 and another £500. So £17,000 down for the year. The same family member who lent me £2000 earlier in the year lent me a further £1000.

In the space of the week I blew that £1000 and the last of the money I had stored at home (£500). So another £1,500 down.

I then concocted an elaborate lie to that person to borrow another £1000 off them to clear my overdraft and give me a bit to live on. They gave me that money and for around 2 weeks, I settled and didn't gamble.

Then again, out of nowhere. A moment of self loathing and low's threw me back in. £500 down. £19,000 total loss.

I asked this family member 1 more time if I could borrow anything else to clear my overdraft for once and for all. I was given a final £400 and they said they won't lend me anymore money.

Another few weeks gamble free before calculating my money and realising that in January, it is game over regardless.

I'm only on the assessment rate of ESA now (£73 a week). My ESA assessment is in January where I know I will be told i'm fit enough to work and will have my money stopped. I do not have enough money in my bank or overdraft to cover February's bills.

So, the other day, bill day, bills came out taking me back into my overdraft. Knowing the above and that it's game over no matter what, I turned to a gamble, because if I lost, it makes no difference. If I won, then I might just be able to cover bills in February.

As it happens, this was probably the worst slots session I have ever experienced. No good wins, nothing... Just loss after loss until another £170 was lost leaving me overdrawn by £490.

So for this year... drumroll please....

£19,170 lost on gambling alone. Plus I owe the family member who lent me money £4400 (£8000 if we include the funeral cost which they paid and i'm supposed to pay them back out of the inheritance).

It is devestating on so many levels, but, what can I do? I look back and know it's 1 hell of an amount of cash but I do take some comfort in knowing that due to how bad this year has been, if I was a big drinker, I would probably have drunk myself to death. If I was a drug user, I would have probably overdosed, but as it happens, I was (fingers crossed) a gambler and blew that money gambling.

I did speak to a few people as well who although were shocked at the amount, have given me comfort by saying honestly (and not just to cushion the blow), if they had been through and seen some of the things I saw this year, they would not have been able to handle it.

So there it is, 2016, my year of ultimate losses. I would say I lost more this year alone than in all 14 of the other years I have been gambling for.

I have a plan at least. I can hope and pray the ESA assessment staff do the right thing in January and declare me as unfit to work (which I genuinely am) so I can stay put here, while building myself back up how mum would have wanted me to. If they don't then it's time to sell everything I own here, move into the family members home (who lent me the money) and spend next year paying them back by selling mum's belongings while i'm there.